Page name: PTSD-Traumatised-By-Stalking-Bullying [Exported view] [RSS]
2019-09-13 07:16:57
Last author: Faith.Hope.Love
Owner: Faith.Hope.Love
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Thank you Mr. I Spy for destroying my ability as an artist and all those who are helping
you to continue to do what you do best, invade the privacy of another. Doing nothing
is the same as enabling and helping the wrongdoer.

I've answered many questions I've been asked here, particularly 'how' did or 'why' did the stalking and privacy invasion begin. So this explains it, except God only knows why this crazed lunatic insists on prying into and messing with my life and then why there are people just like him, who support and enable such vile behaviour. Those who are simply turning their heads and/or directly helping this creep are just as bad as he is.

..And then many think I should just 'ignore' having my privacy invaded or I should just forget it, put it behind me or chock it all up as a loss and move on. How can I move on, put it behind me, forget it? It continues every day of my life! He has ROBBED me of my artistic ability!!! Those who think this is no big deal? Well, let him rob you of something vital to who you are, let him invade your privacy, steal your work, slander your name... and then see if you'd still say the same thing.

..And not only has he messed with my life for nearing 8 years, but he has stripped me of what's at the very core of my being, which is being creative, an artist. This lunatic has cost me DEARLY, PROFOUNDLY my health, a considerable amount of money which I have so little of, and has taken away from me my ability as an artist.

Then to have the audacity to STEAL my work and slander my name besides AND USE MY NAME for "his benefit"!! There is no title to give him that describes what a low-life he is! I'm so tired of being told, expected to do this, do that... I must jump through hoop after hoop to try and get away from this creep. He is the criminal! He is the perpetrator! Which means he needs to be stopped! :/

Most people won't likely read this because what I've written here is lengthy. I have PTSD and why, what brought it to fruition is explained, with the continued stress from being stalked, bullied, and the person stalking me invading my privacy, a horrific situation I've been forced to battle for nearing 8 years now. 8 years of torment cannot be explained in a few words, the accounting of and how/why it all began.

I have the person stalking me to thank for ultimately costing me my ability to be an artist in the traditional mediums such as with drawing and painting, as I do explain. Stress, especially when forced to deal with it and what causes it for a long time, does eventually cause damage to the body as well as a person's emotional well being.

The link I'm sharing with this is a great article and correct, most associate PTSD with our service men and women in the military and rightly so. God bless and protect all those who serve and sacrifice. Amen.

Great article and correct, most associate PTSD with our service men and women in the military and rightly so. God bless and protect all those who serve and sacrifice. Amen.

With this said, so as not to minimise or disrespect our service people's service and sacrifice, PTSD can and does affect others who have experienced trauma through some means and when suffered especially during the childhood, most formidable years, therefore establishing an emotional prerequisite or precursor for any additional traumatic events/experiences that may present themselves later on in life, can then be the catalyst that brings PTSD into play, full blown mode.

So many don't realise the damage stress can cause to the body, especially stress accumulated and prolonged and when past trauma, thought to be dealt with and no longer effective, combines with new trauma, the host is double whammied. If the person is re-subjected to that which is similar to what they've thought to be left behind them, the repeating of, compounds the stress factor greatly.

For the purpose of example, in my case I was subjected to extreme humiliation and bullying at school by both teachers (male) and other students, subjected to physical and demoralising, emotional abuse by my stepfather, and sexually molested by an older brother, which established a complete lack of trust in those of the male gender, more specifically I should have been able to 'trust'.

Since it was driven home with me that "I" was ugly, "I" was stupid, "I" was retarded, "I" was wasted space, "I" was a freak of nature, etc., etc., all this culminated into being the ground work for one abusive relationship after another, leaving me believing that in order to be accepted and Loved, I had to prove my self, my worthiness to be, which made me an easy target and a completely submissive candidate for the abusers, with each situation depleting my trust more and more, forcing me to seek complete independence, complete self reliance, but as well isolation. As one can likely imagine, the factor of stress was always present, in reality, played a big role in my life.

My saving grace, however, as a child and throughout my life, is my Gift of Creativity for even though I, myself, was otherwise revered as worthless, my artistic skills were greatly admired. It is through my Gift I survived, for I could find within myself some value, hence, hope, courage, strength to push forward.

In the 90's after ending yet another abusive relationship, I decided not to bother having any relationship anymore of the romantic type. I concentrated on putting all my energy and Love into raising my daughter, helping others, helping animals/pets in need, building my business, and pursuing my creative side, adding becoming a musician as part of my creative agenda. Through all this, I built my self esteem, self confidence, and learned myself, as myself, who I was and I learned my value, my attributes, as a person and I became comfortable with and accepted myself.

In 2005, I joined a website (, then another (, both owned by the same person, fell in Love with them, being on them, and became dedicated to them, PROFOUNDLY so. I spent MEGA amounts of time on them, day in, day out, and for years, doing everything I could for them, to promote them, and even donated a considerable amount of money for Elftown.

Near the beginning of 2007, possibly even before in 2006, and unbeknown to me, the owner developed some sort of interest in me, which the then vice mayor became aware of as early as near the beginning of 2007 and I would much later be provided documentation showing her dislike of the owner's interest in me for which she began an agenda to try and get me removed from, banned from Elftown.

Nearing the end of 2007, the owner began messing around with my Elftown account. I was experiencing all sorts of bizarre incidents and situations, which other members were not experiencing, nor could anyone on the site, including staff, explain why I was. When it became evident to me the owner was reading my personal, secret diaries, by his statements and actions revealing he knew more than he should, I went to a person on the site who helped him program the site and asked exactly what all could the owner of the server be privy to. I was told, "Everything can be viewed from the database. The owner/operator of the server has access to EVERYTHING on that server, including anything deemed to be 'private'."

Piecing everything together, the bizarre incidents along with the owner displaying tell-tale behaviour that he was reading my personal, secret diaries and then having it confirmed, the owner had access to everything on the site/server, and loving the site so much, I knew the issue had to be addressed. I asked myself if the owner was spying on me, playing with me, because perhaps of an interest in me he had developed, but at the same time I didn't think it to be possible. Because he owned Elftown, the site I loved so much, I harboured a great deal of respect and admiration for him, even though for me to communicate with him made me very nervous.

I decided to write to him in the very beginning of 2008. It was an agonising task. It took all the courage and strength I could muster to write to him and even more to actually show it to him. I didn't want to accuse him of anything but if there was an issue, I wanted to discuss it with him, thinking we could then work out between us whatever it was that was going on. ..And if he was harbouring an interest in me, I was willing to get to know him better to see where it may lead. After all I loved his sites. Therefore, I thought it could be possible that I could become interested in him as well.

His response was to place his and my images side by side on the start page of another of his sites, CatHug, and then to give me a digital rose in a reply from him in a forum, which he had NEVER done before. These were signs of something but without any tangible response, I was left with even more unanswered questions.

The then vice mayor claimed she knew the owner well. So my option #2 was to go to her to see what was up with the owner. But what I didn't know still and at the time, was the agenda she had in the works to get rid of me since near the beginning of 2007.

At first, she and I talked on Elftown and everything was or seemed civil and friendly. Then she suggested we take our conversation off of Elftown and over to MSN. She sent to me her MSN address. At first, all seemed friendly and like on Elftown. But then she told me the owner was reading all my private stuff, like private messages, for example. Then she told me I shouldn't try to please the owner, I shouldn't agree with him, I should walk away from moderating his project (ECM) for she had and had told him to shove it up his behind. She went on to tell me that the owner was only interested when things would serve his purpose and then she tacked on that the owner and I would not go well together, which at the time, I didn't understand why she said the last thing particularly to me.

During her telling me all this, there came into the conversation, 5 consecutive blocks of text in black, bold type and of a different font than she was otherwise using. THIS text however was completely contradictory of the rest of what she was telling me. In the black, bold text, I was being reprimanded for disagreeing with the owner about a diary entry he had written about people who didn't provide their real name and private information were like then, nameless pieces of meat.

To say I was confused would be a gross understatement. "On" Elftown, she didn't say anything negative about the owner. Then once off and on MSN, her whole tune changed. Then also her appearing to me as being contradictory to herself, I wound up telling her she didn't seem like herself. She said she probably was just tired.

Then the first thing the very next day, I was sent from her MSN account a link. It was a HAHA.exe file which turned out to be, according to her statement, a virus sent to all of her contacts. I did not click on the link though because I don't click on links sent to me, not even from friends. Being already baffled with her behaviour as it was appearing to me, I really was then befuddled and there was anger mixed in because of her change of attitude from on Elftown to off, towards the owner as well.

Then to be told about a virus? I didn't know what to think or believe. Was she mad at me? Did she send the virus to me? Or was it sent to all her contacts? Why was she badmouthing the owner, her supposedly friend? Why on MSN had she changed her tune? What did she mean by saying the owner and I would not go well together? How does she know? Why did she say one thing and then say just the opposite?

I didn't think trying to reason with her was a good idea with all and the types of questions I had. So I decided to go to another person, whom I thought was my friend, that knew both her and the owner better than I. We discussed the situation and she suggested I go to the owner of the site with my concerns related to the vice mayor and the virus sending. So I did and the owner then became extremely belligerent and abusive towards me, defending the vice mayor.

Needless to say, things just blew up. The vice mayor projected herself as doing nothing at all wrong and made me out to be the most awful person on earth, when in fact she had an agenda going on of her own to try and have me removed from Elftown, which of course, she kept hush-hush about. What she was doing behind the scenes was not to become common knowledge because then she would have been exposed as not being such a perfect angel after all.

I was to be perceived by everyone as the bad person, the villain, not she and as long as I was on everyone's sh** list, then no one would even consider that what I was trying to convey about the owner's extra curricular activities, his spying on me was in fact very much real and true. So this gave him the green light to continue to spy on me and invade my privacy with no opposition whatsoever. She was well aware of his interest in me and apparently an obsessive interest, but THIS she didn't want anyone to think or believe that the owner could possibly be interested in anyone except her. Whereas if she has stood up and told the truth in regards to knowing about what was driving the owner, this would have exposed what was driving the owner to infringe upon my privacy which would have been the catalyst along with the data I had collected to force him to stop what he was doing. Instead, she laughed and poked fun at me along with others any time I suggested the owner could be interested in me and this could have been what was driving him to spy on me.

With all the animosity going around, others told me about their bad experiences with the vice mayor as well, like how she had made them feel like they weren't wanted, their contributions and ideas weren't worth anything, her condescending attitude, her manipulating tactics making them feel like they were wrong and she was always right, her obvious acts of jealousy, etc.. There were many others who were more than willing to share their bad experiences with her with me but yet I was the only one perceived to be saying bad things about her. I had plenty of voluntary help and ammunition provided to me.

So, it was beginning to make sense to me then why she wanted to take our conversations off of Elftown, where the owner couldn't know what she had up her sleeve and this was, if she couldn't get me forced off the site because she knew the owner liked me too much, then she saw it as an opportunity for a plan B to put into motion and this was to see if she couldn't turn me against the owner and then maybe I'd leave on my own, hence solving and achieving her goal albeit in a different way.

I sensed she had it in for me at some point when I was putting the pieces together, between her attitude and what others also disclosed about her to me and it all told me her jealousy towards me was not my imagination. THIS made me even more furious with her for trying to get me to think badly of the owner and so, I ultimately became sympathetic with and defensive for him, even though he was spying on me. In so doing I made countless excuses for him and his behaviour. So I did tell things I had discovered and was piecing together about her which just added fuel to the fire. Looking back now, I should have handled things better and differently in regards to her but trying to deal with everything I was trying to deal with was NOT easy. It was HELL. She would also have her friends help her with harassing me on my own private wiki pages and the owner, watching the page, wouldn't say boo.

I was criticised every which way but loose. I found myself constantly in a situation where I had to defend myself against her and all her loyal staff buddies. It was just a horrific and agonising situation for me. I did at one point contemplate leaving the site after a crew member attacked me and accused me of playing games when all I was doing was what the owner had asked to be done many times and this was to place the titles of the official wiki-pages at the top and as the first thing on the wiki-page. I was complying with his request but yet I was accused of playing games.

When I decided to send the owner an email disclosing what I was contemplating, he banned me (first time) from the site, punished me for thinking about leaving the site, saying that I was going to run amok and delete all my stuff. However, nothing can be deleted from his server unless he, himself, does so at the server. So he knew full well I could do no such thing and so did the crew. Even so, the crew believed what he said even though it was clear he was buffaloing them. Then he went to the MC page and stated he wanted the titles on the top of the pages but not once did he say that I was simply doing as he had asked to be done nor that I was the ONLY one who was.

Many of the site's staff were loyal to her and it became a war zone and I became the center, the bull's eye of all their vicious attacks, their combined bullying, cruel and demoralising, humiliating character assassination. They took turns at mocking me and joined forces against me, mocking and belittling me in the forums, on wiki-pages, in diaries and guestbooks, and would send me also the same intimidating and attacking messages. The owner was more than willing to chime in with those mocking me and all the while he was behind the scenes invading my privacy and playing his sick games, toying with my emotions and reveling in doing so.

Meanwhile, I was also being subjected to more pranks linked to the owner being behind them. I would provide accountings of the incidents and the staff especially would minimise them and use them to belittle me more and accuse me of being crazy, imagining everything, including my daughter, sister, and best friend, that I was a lunatic, a liar, a drama queen, etc.. I saved data depicting the things I was experiencing and began to bring this data out to prove I wasn't lying or making anything up but then the owner threatened me, telling me that if I continued to do so, he would ban me from the site AND he would have me thrown off the Internet.

So basically, I had to keep putting up with all the site's owner was doing to me and if I said anything about it, then I was ostracised by him and the staff running the site. Knowing he had nothing standing in his way, he would then broaden his spying and unwanted surveillance to my other online accounts, such as my email, and then gained access to/hacked into my computer and also would gain access to my phone to eavesdrop on all my conversations on it.

All this in itself was bad enough to try and deal with, the abuse I was being subjected to on two fronts, both the site owner spying on me AND those in a position to listen and help, chose to ostracise me instead, leaving me with no recourse, no help, and feeling completely isolated, which is exactly the position a stalker wants their victim to be in. Having been through so much of the same or similar when I was a child and then throughout my earlier adult life, I was battling in the present as I was also battling the past resurfacing. Slowly but surely, all the work I had done with and on/for myself to get past and rise above what I received as a child and after and its harmful, residual effects, was unraveling and I felt helpless to stop the progression of the unraveling.

Having such a problem with no where to be able to turn for help, I became increasingly frustrated and aggravated. I felt hopeless and helpless in my situation. I became as well increasingly depressed and feeling like I had no recourse to get it stopped, I began thinking that if I couldn't get it stopped, I could end the torment by taking myself out of the equation, which translated means, I began thinking and planning ways to end my life because if I was no longer in this world, then he could no longer stalk me, torment me, and intrude upon my life. 'Twould be impossible to stalk a person who is dead became my rationale.

One of the members on the site who reveled in belittling me, said to me to 'cease and desist' and his remark almost became a reality for me because in my desperate state, he was validating and advising me to do exactly what I was already planning in my mind. I had moments when I just couldn't stand it any more and my emotions would erupt, including what I was contemplating. Well, then I was mocked and humiliated some more because I wrote about ending my life. Instead of the person trying to reach me, he belittled and criticised me. No one except God knows how desperate I get sometimes and so close to simply giving up completely.

For years now, I haven't been able to have ANY privacy with my communication devices because he continues to hack into my life. Not only does he invade my privacy, but he then shares with others what is said via my private communications. All totaled, he has been stalking me, spying on me, and invading my privacy for nearing 8 years.

He also demonstrates and has demonstrated an extreme amount of jealousy. One on my best friends he sent a nasty email to, telling him that I was a crazy lunatic and that if he supported and/or believed me, then he, my friend is as crazy as I am. Not long after this email was sent to my friend, his email account was deleted. There have been several instances where when a 'male' person and I become what he perceives as being too friendly, then unexplainable events occur having to do with the particular male's accounts, devices, and so forth. He has also exhibited retaliatory actions against a best friend of mine who is a female but it's mostly males he has a problem with when he thinks they and I are getting too chummy for his liking.

My friend wrote this in my website's guestbook just before hurricane Irene was to strike on my area and he wrote it to let me know how much I meant to him, should something happen to either of us because of the storm's looming danger it was bringing with it. He wrote this to me: "What would I do without you in my life? You complete me.."

Within minutes after I put his entry through, the site owner banned me from Elftown, writing a banner over my profile, broadcasting across the Internet that I am a liar, that I make up conspiracy theories, and I harass other members AND is now denying me access to all my THOUSANDS of pieces of work, both art and written. Thus, he is stealing my work and his staff is allowing others to use my work as they wish. Within minutes proves just how closely the owner monitors my life and what I'm doing.

I have tried many ways to rid him from my life. I purchased a new computer and changed my ISP. Within just a very short amount of time, my new computer was displaying behaviour just like my old one did and I would come to learn that the owner had gained access to my new computer as well. I am diligent with my computer's security with several programs tried and in place to guard against intrusions and through the advice and help of several techs but to no avail. The owner is a computer programmer with an equivalent to a Masters in Computer Science making me, an average computer user only, no match for his invasive skills.

He has been reported to the authorities, including the FBI and the FCC. My phone company and Internet Service Provider is well aware of the problem. In fact, several of their personnel have witnessed first hand the unexplainable and bizarre behaviour of my phone, as did the FCC Agent I reported to while I was reporting, with the agent saying that it sounded to him like someone was trying to cut off our conversation when he asked me to give him the name and information of the 'person of interest'.

The person invading my privacy and who is stalking me, lives in Sweden, a foreign country, which makes bringing him to justice difficult and involves a lot of red tape. But we all know now the capabilities, the resources, both the FBI and the NSA have and with borders not being a problem for either. The one stalking me has even publicly stated that he won't come to the US unless he can get 'diplomatic immunity' because as he put it, he's just one crazy sheriff away from being thrown into jail in the US over some American moralist laws. Well, the invasion of privacy through communication devices would certainly fall under 'moralist laws', not to mention Internationally a crime is being committed on a number of counts.

But here I am still being forced into putting up with this atrocity, the constant, continual, personified stress, day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year. It has taken a huge toll on my health. In 2010 I realised I was losing the feeling in my feet first, then in my fingers and my eczema began escalating tremendously. I began experiencing unexplainable pain in various places, particularly in my back and joints but also muscle aches and pains. Not being able to alleviate the cause of my stress, damage was eminent and I now have lost my ability to draw, paint, write, or anything that requires fine motor skills. I am now classified as disabled.

What makes all this worse is trying to get people to see, to understand, how devastating it is having this intrusion in my life, never being able to escape it unless I give up both my computer and my phone. Since the computer has become my only way to be creative and since I need to be able to have communication to the outside world, neither option is doable. Besides, I am not the criminal, he is. He should be made to stop his illegal, intrusive activity. The victim shouldn't be the one made to jump through hoops to escape a sickly motivated and selfishly driven predator.

So stress IS a very serious condition. PTSD is devastating and debilitating, regardless of how it manifests itself, whether through a single traumatic event or being subjected to trauma over a period of time. I can thank the person stalking me and invading my privacy, not only for reducing the quality of my life but also for taking away from me my ability as an artist with the traditional mediums which I've had from birth, like drawing and painting. I can no longer sew, do needlepoint, crochet, knit, or countless other things that require fine motor skills and gripping ability.

I can still do art and writing through the use of a mouse because a mouse is something I can hold onto easily and control. Things small, tiny, or thin I can't. ..And like taking away my ability as an artist wasn't enough, the site owner has to continue to torment me through the only means I am now left with and all thanks to him ..and thanks as well to all those who helped him and continue to help and support him to have clear sailing to pursue his wicked agenda and choose to ostracise me rather than listen and/or try to help me. May God have Mercy on their souls for not only doing nothing to help me but also for being willing contributors to make my situation way much worse.

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