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[Mister Creazil]
A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed, coming towards him, one of his 85-year-old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm. He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him. When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "Well Doc. I took your advice and look at me." Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was.
"You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," he replied.
"Oh no. I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful."
o___O
Today, several monks were arrested outside of the playboy mansion for selling flowers illegally on private property, until mansion owner Hugh Hefner alerted the authorities. When a reporter asked one monk to comment, the monk simply stated "We would have gotten away with it, but unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
"Honey," a man says to his wife, "I invited a friend over for dinner." "Are you crazy?" she screams. "The house is a mess, the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking!"
"I lnow all of that," he replies.
"Why invite him, then?" she asks.
The man answers,"The poor fool is thinking about getting married!"
[pumpkin king]
After a long time, two friends encountered once more.
Friend1: Hey! remember the time when we found a two bag and we take them to our houses?
Friend2: How could i forget that!
Friend1: Did you know what was inside mine? It was full of money about a hundred million dollars(!). so, I spent it good; bought a new house, a sport car, and trip around the world.
Friend2: Well, good for you. *sob* Mine was full of IOU notes about a hundred million dollars.... and I'm still paying them. *cries*
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Here is the full joke [~Neo Angel~]
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his cacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to the pleasent weather and a nice time together....
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. Her tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the ariline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the nest day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a msessage that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly set his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address.
His message therefore was sent to the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day previous. When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at it, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead of shock. Her family rushed to the room where the message was displayed upon the monitor:
Dearest Wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some gonfusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here!
A man traveled from Chicago to Florida in order to prepare for a vacation with his wife. He arrives at the hotel and decides to send an e-mail to his wife's office, but didn't write down the address. Remembering as best he could he sent the message. He missed by one letter and sent the message to a preacher's wife who had just lost her husband. She glances at the e-mail, reads it and drops dead. The message says:
"Dear Honey, Everything is being prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Hope to see you soon. Your Loving Husband.
P.S. It sure is hot down here."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1.Sip the vodka; don't gulp. [Avrora_Black], [Nekhbeth] [Lraina] Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. [Chriz] There is a guy named Sipho and his friend has been shot in the chest during a drive-by shooting. Sipho calls 911 and says: "Help me please! My friend has been shot! U have to come quick!!!" Operator: "Alright calm down. Where are u now?" Sipho: "I'm standing in Mississippi Drive." Operator: "Ok, can u spell that for me?" *There's a long pause...* Sipho: "How about i just drag him to Gold Street and u pick him up there?" A chlorine atom walks into a bar and sees a sodium atom sitting at a table. He goes over and beats the guy up. He gets arrested for a salt. 1)A man woke up in a hospital after a serious 2)"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green 3)Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says 4)A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt 5)Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a 6)Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and 7) I went to a seafood disco last week...and 8)What do you call a fish with no eyes? A 9)An invisible man marries an invisible woman. 10)And finally, there was the person who sent Whales Revenge...... One summer day two whales decided to go for a swim. So the whales go over to the boat and start blowing bubbles under it. The whales got so into it that water was going everywhere and the boat was broken up...... First whale:...Hey, now you wanna eat all of the saliors that where on the boat?....... Second whale:....Hey! Not Your Everyday Blond There was a blond and a businessman on a trans-continen Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought that the second man would have seen it coming. [WolvesRage] [Ril] The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female. And he got his wish. The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet. And he got his wish. The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females. And he got his wish. It was the rabbits turn, and he said, I wish that bear was gay. [Emo skater] 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Huntin". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter". [WolvesRage] [skullhead]: A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn’t take crap off anybody!" They're boasting about race records Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog." Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. [BlindGuardian] [Shaneyphoo] So, Saddasm hussein, osama bin laden, and george bush are all out for a walk and they see a genie lamp and all rub it at the same time. The genie pops out and says "Thanks for letting me out, you can each have one wish". Osama just says "I want a bag of money" POOF! he has a big sack of cash. Saddam says "I want a wall around so city, so deep underground that no one can get under it, and so high no one can climb over it" POOF! he gets a massive wall around his city. George bush looks over to hussein and asks, "can you tell me about your wall again?" "Sure, its so high no one can climb over it and so deep no one can dig under it" Bush replies "Fantastic! fill that full of water for me!" For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." [your enigma] "Definitely not," was the preacher's answer. "Are you absolutely certain?" "Yes, my son, absolutely." "Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?" [The Awesomeless!] "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second woman the same question, "What is Easter?" She replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second woman, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third woman and asks, "What is Easter?" The third woman smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third woman continues, "Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." There are three nuns in a car who are speeding down a highway in the rain. Mother Superior is driving as fast as she can when she looses control of the car and slams into oncomming traffic. This kills all three of the nuns. They all go straight up to Heaven. before they can enter the gates of Heaven, St. Peter says they must answer three biblical questions. Mother Superior goes first. St. Peter asks her "Who Parted the Red Sea?" she replies simply, "Moses". He nods his head and she passes through the gates and waits on the other side for her fellow nuns. Next is Sister Mary, who is asked "What is another name/phrase used for naming God?" She says plainly "I AM." He nods to her as she too passes through the gates to the other side. Last but not least, is Sister Katherine, who is asked "What is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam in the Garden of Eden?" She pauses for about five minutes, and while still pondering says "Ooh.....that' [Monster Master]: Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." [SilentScream] - [Nevan] - [Lady of Lore] [Undercover Runner] The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed. The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7… The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!” The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.” [Chainer] Two hunters are walking in a forest, hopelessly lost. One of them says to the other, "Hey, fire three shots into the air, maybe someone will notice." His friend obliges and fires three times into the air, but nothing happens and the two continue on their way. A little later, the first hunter tells the second to again fire three shots into the air, in the hope that someone might notice. Alas, no one does, and the two continue on. A little bit later, the first says to the second. "Alright buddy, do it again, three shots in the air." The second hunter fires three times, then turns to the first and says, "I hope someone notices this time. Those were our last three arrows." [Firenze] God appears to a man and tells him he'll have to quit cigarettes, drink and sex if he wants to get into heaven. A week later God re-appears and asks the man how it is going. The man replies "The cigs and the drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take some meat out of a freezer, I couldn't resist giving her one there and then!" [Jasdero] His father looks at it. "Those are condoms, son." "Oh, what do they do." "It's a method of safe sex." "What's the three pack for?" "That's for high schoolers; one for friday, one for saturday, one for sunday." "What about the six pack." "Those are for collage kids, two for friday, two fpr saturday, two for sunday. "What's the 12 pack for?" "That's for married couples, one for january, one for febuary, one for march...." 3 guys stuck on an island and a fairy comes and says il grant you 1 wish each,first man says "i want to be with my family" abd the fairy poofs him to his family. second guy says "i want to be with my family" so the fairy poofs him to his family. so the third guy says"i wish my friends were back" and the two guys come back......haha Life is like a deck of cards.... you need a heart to love, a diamond to marry, a club to beat with, and a spade to bury him/her with. A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes." The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done. The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." *poof* It's done. The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle. There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour." The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said "Well we just got off route 125!!" [The Epitaph Of Necrosis, Decase And Zeal] [Skadia] Joe and John were identical twins. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the Dear Husband Letter I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Signed--Rich As Hell, Bitch! [Ringbearer]: Tarzan is talking to Jane about the world outside the jungle, and they end up talking about sex. Curious, Jane asks how he did it all the time. Shrugging, he mentions a hole in a tree. Jane actually feels sorry for him and decdides he needs to learn how it is done properly. So she strips naked and lays willingly on the grass. "So, Tarzan, try this for a change..." After which tarzan gives her a hard kick in the side. Furious, she asks why he did that. "To see if there are no squirrels inside," he replies. [Chriz] A man is tired of always failing in life.. anyway... one day he comes across a building that says "The Road to Success." A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs and asks the barman "Can i have a beer please?". The barman gets the mans beer and gives it to the man. the barman then looks at the man strangely and asks the man "Do you know you have got a steering wheel between your legs?" The man replies " yes its driving me nuts!" [Necavi] A little boy is walking down the sidewalk, dragging his dead pet frog along behind him. He goes to a whore house, and immediately asks for a girl with an STD. Afterward, they ask him on his way out, [DrUmMeR of ShAdOwS] [psychosis] [Nevan] - A man is walking past a bar when he notices a sign on the door saying ‘Win £1000 instantly! See inside for details…’ Little Mary sat in class one day, listening to a religion teacher's lecture. Mary had a bad habit of falling asleep in class, and indeed she was. Then, the teacher turned to Mary and asked, "Mary, who is our lord and creator?" When Mary gave no answer, mischievous little Johnny who sat behind her jabbed her ear with a pin. Mary jumped up and shouted, "God Almighty!!!" The teacher said, "Correct," and then Mary went back to sleep. A few minutes later, the teacher gave Mary another question: "Mary, can you tell me who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" When Mary gave no answer, Johnny again jabbed her ear with the pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she shouted, the teacher replied, "Correct," and Mary went back to sleep. Towards the end of the lecture, the teacher posed a final question to Mary. "Mary, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after they had their twenty-sixth child?" Johnny again jabbed Mary's ear. This time, Mary jumped out of her seat, spun to face Johnny, and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!!" The teacher fainted. 1st Nun-Father, I have sinned 2nd Nun-Father, I have sinned 3rd Nun-Father, I too have sinned Man walk up to a girl: can you do me a favor? [James Von Fugger, King of the Zombies!] A man walked into a bar, and at the bar was a horse that was just completely depressed, and he was bringing the rest of the bar down with him. Underneath the horse, was a pot of gold, and he asked the bartender about it, and was told that anyone who could make the horse laugh could keep the gold, and he agreed. He took the horse outside, and five minutes later, he brought the horse back in, and he was just bauling his eyes out with laughter. The man took his gold and left. A month later, he came back, and the same horse was still laughing, just annoying everyone, and there was another pot of gold under it. He asked the bartender, and this time it was for anyone who could stop the horse's laughing, he agreed, and took the horse outside. Five minutes later, he brought the horse back in, and it was bauling its eyes out. He picked up his gold, and started walking out, but was caught by the bartender, 'hey, you're the same guy from before, how did you get him to start laughing, and start crying?' he inquired. "First, I told him my dick was bigger, then I proved it" [Pavi Largo]: A man dies and he goes to Hell. Satan goes up to him and says, "Now, now, don't be afraid; Hell isn't as bad as people on Earth make it out to be. Hey, when you were alive, did you drink?" There was a Shepard in Italy who stumbled across some riches, so he hired an Architect to design and build a magnificent house for him. He only had a few things to go over with the Architect before he designed the house. Shepard: I am very pleased that you have come to design house for me good sir. Architect: It's nothing! Shepard: I just would like to set the limits of where and where not to build. Architect: Alright then. Shepard: The only thing I would like you to spare is that tree right over there by the edge of my shack, for that is where I had the first and best sex of my life. Architect: Oh! How sentimental sir! I will spare your tree. Shepard: You know, I think I would also like you to save that fountain a few feet away from the tree, because that is where my lover's mother stood while she watched us have our first sex. Architect: She just stood there and watched?!?!? Shepard: Yes. Architect: Well, what did she say? Shepard: 'baaaaaaaaaaaa One Day, a preganant mother with triplets was walking down the street and was shot in the stomach 3 times. it was one day when they were all 13...two girls and boy Daughter-MOM! I GOT MY PERIOD AND I FOUND A BULLET! Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special. Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it! Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish. Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish. Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish? Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now." A teenage girl goes to her aunts' house in Kansas during the summer to visit. While being there, the girl decides to see a gift shop to bring back some souvenirs for her friends and family. She buys a few special colored rocks, and her aunt walks up and says,"Now... You know, if you're really lucky, you can teach those rocks to sit and stay." And the girl turns around and asks, "Cool! Really?!" [yoyo895] Making an offcier submitted by [Lights of Lisbon] The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" [FireGypsy] When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples." Two cows are eating in a field. One says to the other, Billy was in class one day when his teacher called on him. She asked him, "Billy, if you have 10 cookies, and I ask you for 4, how many cookies will you have left?" A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying. The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?" The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant." The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?" The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups." [Viperess] A knight had to go away for a long time for a battle and stared at his beautiful wife. He knew she was never going to be faithful to him so he told her: "My fair lady...I am going away for a war, so I decided to lock you with a virginity belt" She looked at him with her big green eyes and remained silent for a few minutes. He started walking away towards the door and then she screamed: "But...but...H one day a woman was shopping (as usual) and stumbled upon a shop claiming to supply perfect husbands. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the "You're going to die," she replied. [Viperess] One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. [Viperess] Three men were sitting together bragging about how The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. The Hit and Run Case A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!" A young lady came home and told her Mother that her "Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two Plane crash Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Abe answers, "They'll find us!" The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days [Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ] Jeff thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Dave Jeff responds, "Dave! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Jeff," whispers Dave's ghost. Jeff, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Dave, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Jeff. Dave says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Jeff says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to Dave sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." [kimpink] One day a man came home late from work and his wife's birthday was the next day, so he figured he would give her an early birthday present. So he went up stairs and seen her laying there and he jumped on top of her and went at it. Well they got finished and he said, "baby i'm gonna go down stairs and get something to eat". Well when he got down stairs he seen his wife sitting on he couch and he said, " baby how did u get here so fast"? she said, " shhhhhhh ur moma is upstairs in our bed sleeping". The president of Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the Then the bartender asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask "Naaaah," replies Guinness. "If you guys aren't going to Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, He then takes her hand and says..."Second A pig walked into a bar and asked the barman for 2 pints of beer. the bar man pores the pints and the pig drinks them and runs to the toilet. An older couple had a son, who was still living with his The parents were a little worried, as the son was still The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?" "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!" [ShortButSweet.♥] College Grad's Starting Salary Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources [Wally] The Purina Diet I used to have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog (duh?). On an impulse, I told her that no, I was starting "The Purina Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't,beca I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been Poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy in front of us was going to cry. A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died." [24HAT] ..... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. [dont panic your in control] [shinobi14] A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!" A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to [chugnut] A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!" [*The Devil Made Me Do It*] Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew. "Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered. The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do." Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?" "Nope." "Why not?" The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!" A man with a black eye boards a plane. As he sits down he notices the man next to him also has a black eye. Intrigued he asks 'Hey Mate, how did u get that corker?' 2nd Man says, 'I went to the ticket counter earlier and instead of asking the big-breasted lady at the counter for two tickets to Pittsberg, I asked for two pickets to Tittsberg. She wasnt happy... How About You?' 'Well I was at the breakfast table the other morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast. See now my reply was similar to yours, because instead of asking for cereal, I said, You have ruined my life you evil f*ckin c**t!' Enjoy! Aurevoir! [Kink Bop.Ox] 1)A hotair ballonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled, "Exuse me, can you tell me where I am?" 2)A drunk walked into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for ten minutes, he sauntered over and kissed her. she jusped up and slapped him sill. "Ugh. Get away fro me, you worthless, insuferable, no-good drunk!" she yelled 3) A biker guy is sitting at a bar, sipping his beer. When along came this guy and sat next to him and said. "Are you a reallllllllll biker?" In reply the biker says " All day I work on my bike. I ride with the guys. We do toys for tots run. So yes I think I am." They sat there alone for a while. When the other man left another one sat down and asked the same question and got the same answer. Then this chick comes and sits next to him and asks him the same question. He tells her the sames answer and she said. "Well I'm a lesbain. All day I think about women. When I eat I think about women. When I sleep I dream about women. When I shower I think about women. All day long, everything is about women." He didnt say anything so after a while she gets up and leaves and a guys comes and sits in her spot and says "are you a real biker?" In reply the guy goes " I thought I did...but I just found out I'm a lesbian." I was at the cash machine and the little old lady in front of me was having problems. She turned to me and asked if I would check her balance, so I gave her a push and she fell over. "Its not very good" I said! A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures. That sailor notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." Virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night Magic Mirror.. A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home, As she wondered arund the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in. She said she was looking for a mirror. He showed her a couple of mirrors then told her he had a special magic mirror in the back. She laughed, and said, "Yeah, right!" He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is "Mirror mirror on the door" then ask for anything. she gave it a try. "Mirror mirror on the door---make my breast a 44." KABOOM She had some huge breasts She ran down the street to her house to show her husband. He seen her and said "Damn what the hell happened?" She told him of the magic morrio on the corner. He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. the clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said... "Mirror mirror on the door---make my penis touch the floor." KABOOM His legs fell off. So I guess we better take that saying, "be careful what you wish for." seriously, huh? For everything Elses There's MasterCard It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manilla envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their Inside each manilla envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a Then he turned to his bride and said, "F!?# you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...maki This guy has balls the size of church bells. Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends....... Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...... Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.......... The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........P There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD. A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?" Wiki filled. Jokes continued to Story jokes 2
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
8.David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
9.When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub
14.There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An Elf and an Orc talking to each other. The Elf says:
"Why are you orcs so dirty!?"
"We're not dirty! We wash every day!" answers the Orc." On the first day we wash our left hands. On the second day we wash our right hands. On the third day we wash our left leg. On the forth day we wash our right legs. On the fifth day we wash our faces. On the sixth day we wash our asses. And of the seventh day we change the water!"
Lipstick at School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't
feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one
for the road."
salted.
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.
pulled a mussel.
fsh.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
ten different puns to his friends, with the
hope that at least five of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
By: [Souls of Hated Loved?]
First whale:....Hey!
Second whale: Yeah i do...what do you have in mind?
First whale: Well, since there is absolutly nothing else to do, You wanna go blow bubbles and make the boat capsize?...
Second whale:...Sure that sounds like fun right now......
There were two girls talking giving each other questions. Girl number one realizes girl number two isn't that smart, so she askes her a question, "What do you think is farther, France or the moon?" She askes. Girl number two looks at her funny and says, "DUH! Can you see France from here?"
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I want a motercycle helmet. And he got his wish.
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
~Golf Joke~
So a guy and some of his buddys go golfing one day. The man comes home looking kinda blue. His wife askes, "Whats wrong honey?" And the man looks up at her and said, "Charley had a heart attack on the third hole." He said. His wife gasps and says, "How terrible!" Her husband looks at her and says, "Your telling me! All day it was hit the ball, drag Charley!"
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
A man tells to a woman who's looking after her little kid:
-Ma'am, could you tell your son to stop mimicking me?
And the woman looks at her kid and tells him:
-Boy, I told you a hundred times not to behave like an idiot!
a guy is walking down the street when he see's a cannible crying, next to the cannible there is big piece of poop. Wondering wat the problim was he asked the cannible and the cannible said, "im sorry man but i just dumped my girlfriend"
1. "Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a man asked his preacher at church one day.
Three women died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first woman, "What is Easter?" The woman replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
Sister Katherin says "Ooh.....that'
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
A man was driving his car down the road and it broke down infront of an old Monk Temple. He uses his cellphone to call the repair man and the repair man says it will take a few days. So now the man needs a place to stay. He goes up to the door and asks the monk at the front, "My car just broke down. Can i stay until the repair man fixes it?" The monk happily says yes and shows him to a room. That night he can't sleep because there is this really annoying sound throughout the temple. So the next day he asks the monk, "what was that sound?" The monk says, "I can't tell you because you're not a monk." So this continues until the car is fixed and just before the man leaves he asks, "What do i have to do to become a monk?" The monk smiles. "You need to know how many blades of grass and grains of sand their are in the world." So the man says the next time he comes to that temple, he will be a monk. So he travels for seven years and then his car breaks down infront of that very same temple. So he goes up and says,"Ok. I'm a monk. There are 3,750,374,749,
A duck walked into a bar. Once inside he asked the barman “Got any Bread?”
“Sorry, no bread here” Replied the barman. A few seconds later, the duck asked once again “Got any bread?”
“No, I just told you we haven’t got any!” Said the barman, beginning to get annoyed.
“Got any bread?” the duck repeated.
“Listen buster,” Said the barman, leaning over the bar at the duck “Ask one more time about that darn bread and I’ll nail your tail to the floor!”
To which the duck replied- “Got any nails?”
The barman sighed “No..”
The duck piped up once more “Hmm….Got any bread??”
A man walks into a bar. "Ow!"
Next Joke:
Three bats are competeing to be named the best blood sucker by Dracula. He tells them that who ever drinks the most blood will be named the winner.
The first bat goes out and comes back, a little blood on his lips. Dracula asks him "So where did you go?" The bat answers "Do you see that bell tower there? Well past that is a village and I drank the blood of ten people in the bar." Dracula says "Alright, not bad."
The next bat goes out. He comes back with blood dribbling out of his mouth. Dracula asks him the same question. This bat answers "Well do you see that bell tower there? Well passed that is a village and at the center is a school. I drank the blood of all of the school kids, their teachers, and the cat." Dracula says "That's really good, let's see if the last bat can beat that."
The last bat goes out. When he comes back he's absolutely covered in blood, its all over his face and fur. Dracula is very impressed and asks him the same question. The bat answers "Do you see that bell tower there? Well I didn't."
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
God explains "They don't like that sort of thing in heaven..." The man replies "They don't like it in ASDA either..."
A dad and his son were in a store. The son sees a weird looking object, and asks his dad, "Hey, dad, what are those?"
Well 3 kids come in late for school and the teacher ask the first on "why are you late" the kids says "i was blowing bubbles", "ok" said the teacher she turned to the next kid and said "why are u late" the kid responded "i was blowing bubbles" the teacher said "ok... go sit down" then she turned to the final kid and said "why are u late let me guess u where blowing bubbles?" the kid responded "nope i am bubbles"
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up
sinking it.
He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken
vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence
grocery.
A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her."
"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."
"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."
"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty
big hole in the front too."
"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four
guys looking for a good time."
"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they
wanted her anyway."
"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up
the middle."
The old woman fainted
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
The man think "ok, let me just check this out." He walks into the building and sees a long stairway going up to a room. At the bottom of the stairs there is a sign that says "The Road to Success" with an arrow pointing up the stairs. The man walks up the long stairs and enter's the first room. The room gives off a white glow.. it takes the man a while for his eyes to adjust.. but when they do.. he sees this hot chick standing there. Despite his urge to.. well ye :P.. he climbs the next stairway to another room also glowing white.. there stands and even hotter chick. The man climbs the staircase again and in the room there is an exremely hot chick. He catches on.. he climbs the staircase again and again.. each time encounter a hotter chick. He climbs again and finds this UBERDUBERSUPER HOT CHICK! Now, this guy thinks "OMG imagine the next chick!" With the desire to see the next girl... he climbs the stairs with much excitement.. when he reaches the room there is a really fat guy sitting there.
He says "Hi, im Cess."
"Why did you want a girl with an STD?"
He stops, and his dead frog bumps gently against the counter.
"Well, I'm going to go home, and have sex with my baby sitter, so that she'll have the STD. Then, when my parents get home, my Da will drive her home, and they'll have sex on the way, and he'll get the STD. Then, when he gets home and I go to bed, my parents will have sex, and my Mum will get the STD. After my Da goes to work, and the milkman comes by, my Mum will have sex with him while I'm at school, and then he'll have the STD."
He holds up his dead pet frog slowly.
"And that's the damn bastard that ran over my frog!"
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of hair-caked soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 487. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
a nun and a vicar are playing golf, they line up to the first tee and the vicar takes an allmighty swing and misses the ball completely, "God damn it i missed!" he shouted. The nun says "vicar please refrain from using the lords name in vain". "sorry" says the vicar, "I wont do it again". So later on they make it to the ninth tee, the vicar lines up and takes another mighty swing and misses "God damn it i missed!", the nun very annoyed at this says "vicar if you use the lords name in vain again he will strike you down", so the vicar replies "sorry i wont do it again this time i promise". They finally reach the final hole the vicar lines up, swings and misses "God damn it i missed!" shouts the vicar all of a sudden the clouds turn black and a huge bolt of thunder crashes from the sky and the nun drops dead all the vicar heard then was "GOD DAMN IT I MISSED!"
Intrigued, the man goes into the bar and asks the barman about the money.
“Well, to get the money sir, you have to complete two tests. Should you do so, you can take the money” Says the barman
“Sounds easy enough” Replies the man. “What are these two tests?”
“Well,” Says the barman “First, you have to go downstairs, and take the canine tooth out of a rabid bulldog. Then, if you manage that, you have to go upstairs, and sleep with an eighty year old hooker. Let me tell you sir, nobody to this day has even tackled it.”
The man smiles. “Piece of cake, could do it with my eyes shut. Have the money ready for me!”
With that, the man heads of downstairs. Not long after, the barman hears ripping clothes. Convinced the man is done for, the barman hangs his head. But, to his surprise, half hour later the man walks back up the stairs, clothes torn and bloody.
“Right.” Says the man. “Where’s this old lady that needs a tooth out?”
Priest-What did you Do?
1st Nun-Well, I Have a Kid.
Preist-Be Covered by The Holy Spirit (sprinkles Holy Water On Her)
Priest- What have you done?
2nd Nun-I got Married
Preist-Be Covered by The Holy Spirit (sprinkles Holy Water On Her)
Preist-What is that You have done?
3rd Nun- I peed in the Holy Water.
Woman looks at him: Of course what is it?
Man: look down your shit
Woman: Looks down herr shirt "ok?"
Man: Are you god with spelling?
Woman: Yes
Man: while looking down you're shirt spell attic for me.
Women: Ok... A. T. T. I. C. *turns red*
Man: *walks away laughing*
The man says, "Yes, I did."
"Well," Satan smiles. "Monday's Drinking Day! You can drink all you want, and you'll never get liver problems because you're already dead. Hey, when you were alive, did you smoke?"
The man says, "Yes, I did."
"Well" Satan smiles. "Tuesday's Smoking Day! You can smoke all you want, and you'll never get lung problems because you're already dead. One last question."
The man says, "Yes?"
And Satan says, "When you were alive, were you gay?"
"No," The man replies.
"Well," Satan says. "Then you're gonna hate Wednesdays."
Surprisingly, she and the triplets survived.
so her mom explained what happened.
then her other daighter came down...
2ndDaughter-MO
so her mom explained it to her.
then her son came running down yelling,
"MOM! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"
[Nikolai]
[Kusu]
Judge: Mickey Mouse, you cannot divorce Minney on the account of...being silly.
Mickey: I never said she was silly! I said she was !@#$ing Goofy!
[DJ_Devil™]
just before her husband's funeral, the undertaker comes up to the very elderly widow and asks, "how old was your husband?"
"ninety-eight,
"so you're 96?" the undertaker comments.
she looks blank. "hardly worth going home, is it?"
(This must be spoken in an Italian Accent)
I will tell you a story when i was in the US.
First i whent to a hotel en whent to my room when i come in i see no shits!so i call the manager and tell him:I wanna shit!then the manager says:then go to the bathroom.and I say:No no you dont understand I wanna shit on my bed!then i dont know why but the manager says:You better not shit on the bed you sonna ma (censored) so then i slept with no shits and when i woke up i whent to the restaurant downstairs.i order my breakfast but i see no fock! so i call the waitress and say:i wanna fock!and she says:everbody wanna fock! no no you dont understand i wanna fock on the table.and i dont know why but she calls me a sonna ma (censored)so then im on my way to the airport trying to go back to Italia all the sudden i see a hippi he says:peace on you brother! then i get mad at him and say:Pis on you to you sonna ma (censored)!!!!
[Angel of Ice]
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink. Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small p ile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she mig ht be ill, or worse!
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," he replied reluctantly.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
[ninja penguin]
there was three blonds walking down the beach and the first blone found a lamp."wow this is dusty" *rubs lamp*,
POOF! a genie poped out.and seys "sence there is three of you each one can have one wish"."Okay!" excliams the first
blond "I'll go first!, I wish I was 1,000x smarter!"
POOF! her hair turns slightly darker and she goes off to be a brain sugon. the second blond wishes to be 100,000x smarter and her hair turns completly dark and she goes off to find the cure to aids. the third blond contimplates a minuet and seys "I want to be a 100,000x dumber!!"
the genie very puzzled grants her wish.......
and she turns into a guy!!!
no offense to all the guys on here!!! =)
An army Lieutenant was walking along and found a little kid playing with a pile poop. The lieutenant confused looked at him and said "Hey kid why are you playing with that pile of poop?" the kid responded "I'm making a enlisted soldier." The lieutenant laughed at this and went off to get his Company commander. "Hey captain you gotta see this sir!" the lieutenant said to the captain "What is it?" asked the captain "You just gotta see it sir." So the captain followed the Luietenant once arriveing where the little was the captain saw what the kid was doing and asked "Little boy why are you playing with that pile of poop?" "I'm making an enlisted soldier." The captain laughed and said "The first sergeant has to see this." So the captain and luietenant went and got the first sergeant. "Hey first sergeant come with me you gotta see this." The first sergeant curious agreed and followed the two officers to the little kid. Upon arriveing the first sergeant looked at the kid a moment and the asked "Little boy why are you playing with that pile of poop?" and again the little boy anwsered "I'm making an enlisted soldier." The first seregeant then laughed a little and asked "And why are you making an enlisted soldier?" The little boy stopped looked at the first sergeant and said "Because I don't have enough poop to make an officer." The first sergeant laughed really hard and then walked off.
[I Am The Firefly]
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin..... however, the only place
suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all
this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All
her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for
what he had done. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!"
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
[FireGypsy]
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
[i have left elfpack. see you.]
"So what do you think of this 'Mad cow Disease'?"
The other one replies, "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Billy replied, "10, ma'am."
[Andy8178]
A woman who has been recently widowed had decided to move on with her life. She had been grieving for six months and she was sick of feeling depressed. One day she put an ad in the newspaper that was looking for men. It said that she wanted an honest man, who doesn't steal, who's good in bed. Not too much to ask for right?
The first guy answered her ad in a matter of days, because this particular woman in her early thirties, is gorgeous, looking 12 years younger than her current age. The guy that answered her ad, was a playa, but he didn't need to tell her this, because they slept with eachother after the first date, and the girl thought that he was gorgeous AND good in bed. Well after a week, the guy was out drinking late and he brought home one of his girlfriends to the woman's house, so she forgot about this guy and kicked him out of her life.
She put the ad back up and in a matter of a day, she got a response, the day after she got the response, they were supposed to meet. The guy rang the doorbell, and as the woman was going to answer the door, she heard crying behind it. She wondered what was going on so she answered the door, and saw a bloody, beat up face. The woman gasped and nearly passed out. She became scared and thought the man was there to rob her, so she slammed the door in his face.
She's nearly lost all hope, crying on her bed for several days, then suddenly, she heard the doorbell ring. She went to the door, answered it and saw no one there. She closed the door, walked back to her room, when she heard it ring again. She walked to the door, slightly less than pleased, answered it angrily, and she heard a voice from the ground, and saw a man with no arms and no legs lying at her doorstep.
The woman asked, politely, "What the hell do you want?!"
The man replied, "I'm here for the ad you put in the paper."
The woman asked, "Okay, so explain yourself."
The man replied, "I have no arms, so I can't steal, and I have no legs, so I can't run off with another woman."
The woman asked the final question, "So how are you good in bed?"
The man responded, with another question and a wink, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" ;D
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
A man walks into a bar and reaches into his back pocket pulling out a 10 inch man. Next he reaches into his front pocket and pulls out a little piano. The little man sits down and begins to play Mozart.The bartender looks over and says "Where did you get that my man" The costomer smiles and replies "I found a small bottle and when I rubbed it a genie appeared offering me 10 wishes. I still have a couple left if you would like one." The bartender smiled "Yes please I would love to have a wish." The man reached back into his pocket and pulled out a bottle. When he rubbed the bottle a genie appeared. "This man would like to use one of my wishes." The bartender looked at the genie and said "I would like a million bucks." The genie replied "So be it." and went back into the bottle. About that time the door to the bar opened and in walked a million ducks. The bartender looked at the coustomer, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks." The costomer shook his head and asked, "Do you think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"
"sounds good to me" proclaimed the woman, and proceeded inside.
once in there, she saw a set of stairs and proceeded up them. as she reached the 1st floor she noticed a sign. it said: 'these husbands are kind. visitors: 27.'
"ok, thats a start" she said. "lets see whats on the next floor" and carried on up the stairs.
on reaching the second floor a sign read 'these husbands are kind and honest. visitors: 43.'
"better. whats next?"
on the third floor the sign read 'these husbands are kind, honest and true gentlemen. visitors: 64.'
"hey! it gets better! ok, 1 more" and carried on up.
4th floor 'these husbands are kind, honest, true gentlemen and very forgiving. visitors: 85.'
"sounds good, sounds good! whats next?"
5th floor reads 'these husbands are kind, honest, true gentlemen, very forgiving and fantastic lovers. visitors: 110.'
"now thats what im talkin about! but im sure there's better!" and carries on her journey.
eventually she reaches the 6th floor. on the sign it says 'these husbands are kind, honest, true gentlemen, very forgiving, fantastic lovers and have a sports car and a mansion. visitors: 136.'
"wow! thats impressive!" says the woman. "i wonder what the next floor is?" and walks up the next set of stairs.
floor 7. she sees the sign (as usual) and reads 'women are never satisfied! visitors: 193,483,612,03
[gothilectic]
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were
discussing when life begins.
when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own
decisions and must learn about sin."
graduated from college and moved out of the house."
]
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his
office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal
for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a
hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only
make his stress worse. And most importantly...
your husband several times a week and satisfy his every
whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely."
doctor say?"
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I’m reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.
The first man had married a woman from Tennessee . He bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning.
He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida . He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Louisiana . He
boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every
meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye -just enough to fix
himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and
telephone a landscaper
”We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the
door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately
grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a
policeman pulled up.
lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he
had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined
and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop
did to it.
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else."
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."
boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because
she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in
Heaven or Hell.
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over
the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the
odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live
on the island for the rest of our lives!"
safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife
and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check
yet?"
"Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
one, either."
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Panda There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his
reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast
wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a
while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get.
So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he
wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car
repainted for a small fee.
roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever
anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at
that S-car go!"
Two old guys, Dave and Jeff, are sitting on a park bench
feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do
every day. Dave turns to Jeff and says, "Do you think
there's baseball in heaven?"
let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell
you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you
do the same."
passes on. One day soon afterward, Jeff is sitting there
feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice
whisper, "Jeff... Jeff..."
ruin that!?"
he whispers, "not anymore".
[Jen-Bunny]
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a
conference, and at the end of the day, the presidents of all
the beer companies decide to have a drink together at a bar.
president of Miller orders a Miller, Adolph Coors orders a
Coors, and so on down the list.
drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea!
suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an
embarrassing secret.
drink beer, then neither will I."
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get started."
finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the
box, it's a rooster."
spread all over the table.
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster".
deep sigh ... "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the
box."
[pretty pink princess]
a second pig comes in and asks the bar man how many pints his brother had. the barman tells him 2 so the pig asks for 4 pints. the barman pours the 4 pints the pig drinks them and runs to the toilet.
then a third pig comes in walks up to the bar and asks thew bar man how many pints his brothers had the barman tells him 2 and 4 so this pig asks for 6 the bar man pours them and the pig drinks them and he to runs to the toilet.
a fourth pig comes in and asks the bar man how many pints his brothers have had the bar man tells him they have had 2, 4 and 6 so this pig asks for eight he drinks these pints and he too runs to the toilet.
finally a fifth pig walks in to the bar and asks the barman how many pints his brothers have had. the bar man tells him they have had 2, 4, 6 and 8. the pig says i'll have 10 then. the bar man pours the pints and the pig starts to drink them. after finishing his final pint he starts eating the nuts. the barman looks at him and asks are you not going to run to the toilet like the others?
the pig answers "have you not heard of me? .... this little pig went wee wee wee all the way home!"
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
parents.
unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do
a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a
bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and
hid, pretending they're not home.
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest
- but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son
will be a drunkard."
closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son
arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took
the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid
it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked
through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened
it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he
left for his room, carrying all the three items.
going to be a politician!"
[Mothyr Witch]
[Mothyr Witch]
[Mothyr Witch]
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
[Jen-Bunny]
terrible news?"
wait to hear the terrible news."
[emodudekid]
[Dirtydawg™]
a fat black guy finds a magic lamp... he rubs it and a genie came out and offered him 3 wishes... so the fat black guy wished to be skinny white and surrounded by pussy... "your wish is my comand" *POOF* the man became a tampon
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together
a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband
for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put
the Frosted Flakes back in the box.''.
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
If a train station is where the train stops and a bus
station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone
through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a
ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a
ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because
although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost
the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and
the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe"
replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton
and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells
the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or
stop" says the officer.
Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT,
"What starting salary were you thinking about?" The
Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said,
"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up
straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer
replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-s
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
A guy walk's into a bar and has a monkey on his shoulder, anyway's he sit's at the bar and asks for a dry martini the bartender gives the man his drink,but the monkey jumps off of his shoulder and starts messing everything up so the bartender said "did you see what your monkey just did? the guy says "yeah, he's alway's getting into trouble" the guy tells the bartender he will pay for everything and so he did. Then a week or so passes, the guy walks intot he same bar when he walk's in the monkey jump's off and starts to eat everything insight, he jumps onto the pool table and sticks a cue ball in his mouth and swallows it. the guy pays for everything and leaves. then a week or so later he walks in a third time the mokey jumps off and starts eating everthing insight once again, this time the monkey jumps on to the bar and get's in his owners dink and grabs the cherry and stick's it up his butt! the bartender said "did you see what your monkey just did?" the guy said "yeah, ever since he ate that damn cue ball he's been measuring everything first."
Funny Stuff
miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When
the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on
his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine
Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the
driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him
a ticket.
equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The
Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler
stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.
behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got
out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over
to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he
was doing.
jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test.
"yes," the guy said. "your in a balloon"
"You must work in I.T.." the ballonist said.
"how did you know?"
"What you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anone."
"And you must work in management" the man on the ground retorted.
"yup"
"Figures. You don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. And you're in the same position you were befor we met, but now its my fault."
" I'm sorry," he said. "I thought you were my wife. You look just like her."
"Wow, You even sound like her." He said.
"How did you end up with the peg leg?" He asks.
"I was swept overboard and into a school of sharks," The pirate replies, "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off my leg."
"Wow!" Cried the sailor, "What about your hook?"
"Arrgh! An enemy hacked off my hand during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull crapped in my eye."
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
[Blind Sniper]
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."
[ladynightengale]
[Wally]
envelope.
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F!?% you!".
guest wedding and reception and, best of all, trashing the bride's
and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
2007-06-28 [shinobi14]: *looks for you*
Heeeeereeee fisheh fisheh fisheh.... *whistles*
THERE YOU ARE!!! *pounces*
2007-06-28 [Mothyr Witch]: -screams- CIA! CIA! -smacks with haddock-
2007-07-16 [shinobi14]: :O
*sniffles* What ever happened to Harming None? *cries in corner, cuddling haddock*
2007-07-16 [Mothyr Witch]: That only applies to everyone but anyone consorting with the government...-
2007-07-24 [shinobi14]: *sniffles* No... >.<
And in the wise, wise words of Tenacious D (my favourite band) "The Government Totally Sucks".
2007-07-24 [Blinded Seraphim]: Im the devil i love metal!!! lol
2007-07-24 [DJ_Devil™]: *appears* ..did someone call?
2007-07-24 [Mothyr Witch]: -gives Danny a huge basket of fudge and returns le haddock- Then you may have your fish back. ^_^ And I agree. XD -grabs a block of fudge and nibbles it-
2007-07-24 [shinobi14]: "Check this riff, its f***ing tasty!!"
O_O FUDGE!!! *dives into the basket and gets out a piece, nibbling on it* ^-^ Thankies, Witchy.
2007-07-24 [Mothyr Witch]: ^_^ Everybody loves fudge (like ice cream!). Anyone else want some?
2007-08-05 [kittykittykitty]: Mememememe! *pounces* Plox <3 Sowwee... got a bit crazy there...I have sugar cravings... O_O;
2007-08-05 [shinobi14]: ¬____¬|||
That looked like it hurt. =]
2007-08-06 [Mothyr Witch]: -offers Kitty all the fudge in the world if she'll just get her knee off her bladder-
2007-08-06 [shinobi14]: Haha!! ^___^
Awwww... Kitty wouldn't want to hurt a fly, though! >.<
2007-08-06 [Mothyr Witch]: Not intentionally. -cringes-
2007-08-11 [I Am The Firefly]: hello every1*devious
2007-08-15 [Andy8178]: Damn... I'm still awhile away after being gone for three months ARGHHH!!
2007-11-03 [sillicon valley]: An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At luncH time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversatio with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.
2007-12-19 [Andy8178]: rofl the mastercard
2007-12-19 [shinobi14]: Tell me about it. ;) That one is damn funny. :D
2008-05-29 [*Suicidal Cupcake*]: Hahaha, the mastercard one. xD
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