In the past month or so I have been doing a lot of soul searching, a lot of trying to find me. I found me and I think once I can be me I will happy. I'm gay, I'm glad just wish I could share it with everyone. In about two or three years I will be able too. Until then I will have to keep in hidden, for now. The other thing that I've realized, come to peace with, and am quite happy with. Is the fact that I'm a cross-dresser. I guess deep down I always have been, because I have always dressed up like a girl givin any excuse. The part that is going to be hard for me is to finally tell my family about who I really am. It's gonna be a hard time in my life, I'm just hoping that when the time comes I will have someone there beside me for support. 

I know what I really really want to do once I am out of the military. I'm going to persue my acting career. Acting has been one of the few things that have brought peace into my life. I guess just the whole getting to be someone else has always excited me. It's my passion, and soon enough it will become my life. No matter what I have to do I'm going to make it big. I want to be able to shove it in every persons face who told me that I could never do it. Who told me that I will never do anything with my life. It's to say FUCK YOU to everyone who never believed and to say thank you to those who did. 

Well I really am out of something to rant about, I mean there is more but I just can't put it into words at this time.

I'm in such a depressed mood and I don't know why. I just really hate being alone, I miss holding someone close or having someone hold me close. I just want someone there to cuddle with and have those deep meaningful talks with. I got left behind, I don't really mind that so much I'm not much for watching sports. Unless of course it's tennis, then I can watch it all day and never get tired of it. I'm so tired of all the Army bullshit that I have to put up with on a daily basis. I only have a little less than three years left though. I'm such a loser sitting here pouring out how I'm feeling when I should be out with friends right now. I need to go find someone to cuddle with. Au Revior.

Well I finally did it, I finally broke up with my girlfriend. I feel so awfull about it but it had to be done. Her and I grew so far apart since I have joined the Army. I don't know why I started dating her again when I know I shouldn't even try to fight my sexuality. It just seems like for so long I wanted the hurtfull things that people had to say about me to go away that I started to try and be straight. No more though will I ever get into that predicament again. I have so many friends right now that love me and accept me for who I truly am. That is so awesome too. Now there is like the last big step to take as soon as my last years in the military are over with. Coming out to my family. I feel as though they truly deserve to know that I'm gay but I can't do it while I'm in the military, unless of course they change the policy. Maybe one day they will, hopefully. I've only got 3 years left to deal with having to keep myself locked inside this horribly dark closet. Oh so I'm in Korea. Which definitly sucks but I found this really great gay bar. I havn't been yet, I'm waiting for my good buddy Ben to get back from the states so that he and I and probablly some straight people will go to. I think it will be so awesome and I heard that there were a lot of cute guys who go there. Pray for the best. Well I'm gonna go. Bye.

Hello to all who might be reading this entry. Wow there is so much to say to many different people, but I never seem to be able to say it. My girlfriend, who I love I don't thing gets who I am. There's a huge part of me that wants to stay with her forever, but I'm so afraid of commitment. That is probably my worst habit. For as long as I can remember no matter how great the person that I was dating at the time is I always seem to find some reason to end it with them. Why, Well even I can't answer that one. I don't know maybe it has something to do with spending the rest of your life with just one person. I know believe me I know you're probably sitting there reading this going what a fucking douchebag. He is there with a great girlfriend and he wants to find some reason to end it because he is afraid of commitment. Oh not to mention since I have joined the Army about a year ago noone knew about me being bisexual. Then I come here to Korea and get totally plastered one night and spill my deepest darkest secrets to well my bestfriends and probably half the other people stuck here in hell with me. The people that I care about though are cool with it. They don't love me any different than when I told them. Which believe me you is so awesome to know that no matter what lifestyle I chose that they will still be there for me. I just don't know how to tell my current girlfriend that I'm gay. You see we were together for the first part of my military career then she kinda broke up with me. Went home on leave and I still had really strong feelings for her, so me being who I am started to date her again. How can I just break it off now. I know there are people from back home that know and have said things to her and I just can't bare to tell her that it's true. Well I guess that's about all for now. Bye.

Well it has been a while since I last wrote in my diary. News updates lets see, my girlfriend after a year and a half broke up with me because she couldn't deal with me being away from her for so long. Not only that but I also found out that she has been cheating on me. How great is that. Umm lets see, I graduated the school for my job in the Army. It was super hard, but I made it through. So I'm heading out to Arizona for 7 weeks then to Korea. I'm so confused right now with alot of things. It sometimes seems like so much to deal with. What with my parents being in and out of surgery so much and my grandma being sick. It all kinda sucks. I can't even go home to see how they are doing or anything. I kind of can't wait to get to Korea and be out of the states and into a new environment. I really enjoy being in the military, you meet so many people and go so many different places it's cool. Well yea thats about whats been going on in my life.

So things are going ok I guess except for the bitch I live with. If it wasn't for Sara I would probably kill myself. She is the greatest thing to come into my life ever. I don't have to cut anymore to release the pain, if I'm with her then I'm fine. Nothing can stop the love I have for her. 

These past few months have been really fucked up for me. They have been bad but also good. I got kicked out of where I was staying last year so this year I'm staying with some new ppl. I hate them they are christian bitches that like to piss me off. I've been so depressed lately I just don't have ppl to talk to cause my friends wouldn't understand. I have gone back to cutting burning and carving, the only thing keeping me from ending it all is my baby girl Sara I really do love her. My parents are getting a divorce not that I really care cause both of them are being asses right now. My sister is being a major bitch and about to get the fuck beat out of her. I smoke to damn much again. All of this shit gets to me and weighs down on me. Not to mention one of my best friends killed himself a couple weeks ago. I'm just ready to end it all and be in hell or wherever I will end up if there even is a heaven and hell. Who the fuck knows whats out there after death and shit like that. No one cause no one has come back from the dead and shit. Fuck.

I'm so fucking tired of this life sometimes. I have good days and i have horrible fucking days. Most of my days are horrible fucking ones. I hate the family I live with right now because they are so fucking christian. I hate doing things with them because everything has to do with christ. I'm ready to live wtih my real fucking parents who let me be me. The ones I live with now hate the way I am. The wont let me dress how I want have hair how I want. It pisses me the fuck off. They made me cut my hair short when they found out I was growing it out for a mohawk the bastards. It was so fucking long too.

Well it's been a while since I last wrote in my diary. Things have become so screwed up for me. I'm just so confused about shit. I was on vacation all last week in Kentucky for a christian thing called the Krabbfest. I felt something then I think it was the lord but I'm not sure. I mean I didn't think that God would have anything to do with me because I'm gay. Then Paul is still apparently in love with me so he says. He is going through a breakdown in which I'm trying to help him to get through. I think his life would have been great if he wasn't gay. He just can't seem to deal with being gay. He's such a nice sweet guy but he's not my type. He beat the shit out of his brother he just wasn't able to stop once he started beating him. I was scared when he told me this. I don't know whats going on with him. My parents found a paper with something pertaining to being gay is it a choice or not. They asked me about it my heart literally stopped so I had to tell them that it wasn't for me and that it was for someone else. I think they bought into it because they didn't mention it again. I was so fucking scared though. I froze up for a second. Well going to bed now.

So Sunday night I stayed at Paul's house. I was really nervous because I thought he would start asking me a lot of questions. Everything went great almost. We rode 4-wheelers and stuff like that( they are a redneck family.). Then the next morning as we're sitting on his bed I was playing a video game and all of the sudden he was like when do I get to see your dick. It shocked me so bad and I didn't know how to answer him back so I just sat there all quit. He said that he wanted to please me like I do him. I was shocked because I told him before that I like to please him but he doesn't get it. I want him to fuck my ass hard that's how he can please me. He just doesn't get that though. He is such a dumbass when it comes to things like that. Then like all night and shit he worried about wether or not I liked him. I just wanted to scream out you fuck face of course I kinda like you I mean I gave you a fucking blowjob when I didn't have to. I mean for Christ sake how many more fucking hints do you need. I realized though that I can't be with him because he would be the bitch in the relationship and that's not happening with me because I'm the bitch in a relationship. I mean he expects me to be the man of us and I can't do that because I'm not a manly guy. Why do people like him have to be so fucking stupid when it comes to love. I mean Jesus.

I had a pretty good day. I'm staying at my friends house. The one that I fooled around with. I'm kinda nervous because I dont wan't anything to happen. I know something might though. God why does life have to get so fucked up all the time. I just wish things would be simple for me. I just wish I could find a hot gut that would want to date me. I like Mario alot though of course I think he has a boyfriend already. I don't know. I wont even get to be in any classes with him next year beacause he's like a million times smarter than I am. I kinda wish he was going to be in drama next year becuase he makes it so damn fun. I have to get ahold of my drame teacher to see when were starting our next play. I know she wanted to start during the summer I just don't know when. I think I will try and call her on Monday. Hopefully I can get a hold of her at her house cause that's the only number I've got. I have it only because my x was her neice. My x Magan is taking drama next year if she gets really good parts and doesn't deserve them I'm going to say something. It would be bullshit if she did. I don't really think that she is responsible enough anyway. She doesn't like to act out in front of people anyway. She has stagefright except when she is with a group of her friends. Drama really is going to suck next year because it's pretty much going to be underclassmen who are really immature. I will be the experianced one in the whole class.

Well tonight was just fucked up. The town had it's annual festival street dance tonight. It was ok. Sme and this girl are kinda thinking about dating but Paul thinks that he loves me. I met up with him and her at the street dance and at the begining he said he had until 12:00. Then when I held her hand he was like well ummm I gotta go. It was fucked up. God life sucks nuts so fucking bad sometimes. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do I can't wait till after high school is over and shit.Then I won't have to put up with all this shit.

Well I come to find out that Paul thinks that he is in love with me. To bad I don't love him back. I have feelings for him I just don't see anything more than a little fling. I don't want to have feelings for him. I wish I lived somewhere else where there wasn't so much hatred against gay people. It pisses me off so damn much. Thats life though when you live in a small redneck town. I just wish I could admit to my parents that I'm gay. It would make things less complicated. They would hate me and probably crucify me right on the spot. Of course I'm not going to be able to hide it forever. I'm sure one day they will find out from someone if not from me. I go to church and shit but I know that I'm going to hell anyway. I'm not so much worried about that though. This world is so fucked anyway.

Well it's been a while since I last wrote in my journal. My internet has been down which has sucked major monkey ass. I'm so damn glad we got it back. So Paul says that he's in love with me. The stupid bastard I will never love you. I don't know why people are so fucking stupid about shit like that. I don't want to love you! Other than that my life has been just dandy. I just need to get out of this stupid ass redneck town. I hate rednecks they piss me off so damn much. They are ass fucking bastards and I hate them all. I need a hug. I need a life to but unfortunatly a person can't have one in a town like mine. We are having some stupid fastival all week long it sucks major ass. It is the biggest thing the town does all year long. They take credit for nothing other than this stupid ass festival. Well I'm done writing about my fucked up life.

I have another day at home. It's ok with me cause at least I don't have to go out and hunt for a job and have set hours of work that I have to do. Thats the one good thing about it. It gets really boring though but at least I have the computer or I would just die. I wonder if there is something bothering Lauren cause she doesn't seem herself around me anymore. We rarely talk anymore. I hate it when we don't talk cause I feel seperated from her. That's life I will just deal with it.

So I went to a family get together today it was fun. I played horseshoes and lawndarts all day it was pretty fun I never lost. So my friend Paul called me I'm on the phone with him right now. He is pushing me really hard and it pisses me off! I should have never done that with him. I do regret doing what I did I realize now that it was wrong of me to do it. I have just led him on even more now. God I was getting so fucking pissed at him because he kept going on and on about what happened and I didn't want to hurt him so I didn't tell him to stop talking about it. He just made me so damn mad. I was so happy when he had to go. I think tomorrow when he calls I will have whoever answers the phone to tell him that I'm not here. I just don't want to talk about what happened. Though maybe I should it might be easier to get it out. He wrote a song for me it was so sweet but in it he said that he loved me. I don't love him and I will not tell him that I do or I will not tell him that I like him. I refuse to say it cause I dont feel that way about him. Maybe he will see that maybe he wont. Who knows. My sister got back from the beach today I'm so happy that she is cause I missed her so damn much. She is the coolest person ever and I can talk to her about anything and everything. I'm going to be so bored tomorrow cause I don't have a job and I dont have anything to do. I will just sit at this computer and be on this website all day long not that I mind or anything I just have to find things to do. I have a really short attention span. I do kind of miss my X-girlfriend it's so wierd to not be with her after 7 months. I had to break up with her though because all we did was argue and fight it was all bullshit. I wasn't ever happy with her. I felt really bad about having broke up with her like I did. It was kind of on our 7 month aniversary now that I think of it. I didn't know at the time but oh well it's over. She found a new boyfriend like 2 days after we broke up. I guess that goes to show that she never really did love me. I have been pretty depressed lately because of all the shit that goes on. I'm afraid to go and stay at Paul's house I'm afraid of what might could happen. I don't want to take that risk anymore than I already have but I cant avoid it all summer long. I'm so glad that I only have one year left of high school. I cant wait till I go off to college so that I dont have to see the same damn people everyday day after day. I get tired of all of the bullshit they pull. I want to go to the skatepark again I had so much fun there on Saturday that I want to do it again. Me and some friends are going to sleep at the skatepark and skate all night long can't wait to do that. It will be so fucking awesome.

Well it's Memorial Day gotta spend it with the family. I don't mind cause most of my family is pretty cool. I actually ate breakfast today it's a miracle. I couldn't fall asleep last night I don't know why but I couldn't. I got up pretty early too just couldn't sleep anymore. I hate when that happens cause now I'm going to be tired all day long. Oh well thats life. So I dont know wether I should call Paul or not it's going to be so wierd to be around him now after Saturday night. I feel kinda guilty about doing that with him. Like what if I get a boyfriend before we start anything or what if I dont feel the same way about him or I dont know. What if something happens. I don't even know if I actually like him in that way I think it was more of a lustful thing to do. He told me that he loved me I couldn't say it back because I dont. I hate when people do that. I don't want to love anybody right now. Things get to complicated when you think that you love someone. I hope I don't hurt him. I will try not to but if I do thats life and he will get over me sooner or later. Hopefully sooner rather than later. well ta ta for now.

I get so bored at night nowadays. There is noone to talk to on my yahoo buddy list. Most people don't tlak to me because I broke up with Magan my x girlfriend like a month ago. After I broke up with her I found out who all my real friends are. I went to the skatepark yesterday it was wicked awesome. I just started skateboarding cause I use to snowboard but anyway I finally was able to drop into the half-pipe without killing myself like the one other time before. I was so happy. I'm getting good can't to be as good as a friend of mine who was sponsored by sobe. He's awesome on the half-pipe but not to good at street, of course neither am I but I will learn eventually. I miss my sister who went to the beach this weekend I wish I could have gone. I have only been to the beach once for 5 minutes at the most. I will most likely go this summer with my family and sometime me and friends will go. As soon as we find someone with a liscence willing to take us for free. I'm so damn tired right now but I know that if I go to bed I wont be able to fall asleep any time soon. I hate it when I get like this which is usually every night. I hope I passed all of my classes this year cause I dont want to have to take any classes over my senior year. It is going to be so wicked awesome being a senior where everyone knows who you are. Of course everyone knows me anyway because of my past. My reputation of a badass has gotten so bad no one will say anything when I do say something that is really wrong. I had to take senior pictures the other day they are going to come out looking stupid as hell. I had to take pictures only because my parents were making me. Other than that I normally dont have pictures taken of me. well I am extremely tired so I'm going to go. Bye

Well hello to everyone who is reading this message. This is the first time I have made a diary entry to this site. I have just joined and already I have fallen in love with it. So Saturday night my friend Paul stayed at my house. At about 2:30 I went into the room he was staying in because I couldn't sleep. We got intiment into it straight it was so hot. I sucked his cock for 10 minutes. I felt wierd afterwards because he was the first guy I have messed with since I moved here. I don't exactly know if I like him but he is really sweet. I was the first guy to ever do anything to him. When I left his room I brushed my teeth and went to go to bed. I was sleeping in my sisters bed that night. He came in and was really scared he thought that he did something to me to make me leave right after I did that. I held him for a little bit and told him that he didnt do anything. He was so frail and scared it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I dont know how to act around him anymore and I feel like a slut. He was so big though.