[Shadow of a woman]'s diary

118897  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2008-10-26
Written: (5266 days ago)

I was 11 weeks when I lost my baby - just 9 days short of my scan.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I denied it to myself. I couldn't believe what I was seeing on the test. I did 20 in total and they all came back positive. I couldn't believe it, especially as I was taking the pill which is meant to be 99.9% effective.

When I did get my head around it, I was so happy. So was my ex-fiance Mike. He was away on training when I found out, so I took a picture of the test saying 'POSITIVE' and sent it too him saying, 'Hello Daddy'.

We both were excited and he wanted a girl, I wanted a boy. We chose the names - Scott & Tabbatha.

When I lost the baby I felt like Mike blamed me. I was right. He did. The pressure of knowing he blamed me and that I blamed myself was too much for us to handle and we split up.

Recently I went to a physcic who told me the baby was a girl. Tabbatha.

Mike and I never got to meet our beautifal baby girl, but I do know that she's being well looked after and is playing with all the other babies that didn't get too meet their mummies and daddies up in Heaven. This at least makes it easier knowing Tabbatha is happy.

His parents sent a beautifal card to me, apologizing for our loss and that they wouldn't ever forget our baby girl. Inside the card Mike's mum Denise had written:

It broke my heart to leave you
But you did not go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.

It meant so much too me, but not enough to bring Tabby back. I love and miss her more than ever with each day that passes and there's time I swear I have seen an angel floating by my window with chocalote brown eyes and a button nose and blonde curls. Just like her daddy. I believe with all my heart that this is Tabbatha checking that her mummy is ok.
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