[Jnenebug]'s diary

114290  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2008-05-04
Written: (5923 days ago)

What are we left with when all the things we thought defined us are stripped away? True self? I don't like my true self,shes ugly and deformed and full of nothing but pain.

113999  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2008-04-24
Written: (5932 days ago)
Next in thread: 114073

So the bf I had for like a week isn't mine anymore. I knew from the first time he talked about his best friend/ex gf that he still loved her. She cheated on him and hurt him so bad. He did forgive her but i think he had trouble trusting her again. She was over at his house one night and we were talking on im,she got on and talked to me. 5 secs in she was a total bitch to me telling me basiclly I wasn't good enough for him and I took him away right when he was about to get back with her. She also said she was going to try to get him to cheat on me with her. I was so pissed off. I told Hunter everything she said and he was like damn but didn't say a damn thing to her. If my ex ever did that shit to him I woulda told him off. So the next night she came over again to sleep over with her friend emily. I talked to Emily and she was cool and funny and nice! She kept telling me everything that them two were doing. She said they were acting crazy chasing each other and the bitch started playing Girlfriend and singing it! Oh and shaking her ass. I was so pissed! Em left to get a drink and the bitch started talking to me again. She was of course bragging about Hunter staring at her and crap. Then I was like,Why are you being like this? She told me because she still loved him and needed him. Hes the only one who made her feel like that. I asked her if she told him all that? She was like no i'll sound stupid and I was like would you rather feel stupid a lil while or wake up one day and realize that you didn't do everything to get him back. She asked why I was helping her when I had him and I told her that I knew he still loved her and she would always be number 1. I deserve better than to be number 2 forever. So she took my advise and told him. He came back on and said he loved her. I told him to be with her. Hes happy and thats what I wanted. and i'm way too fucking nice and prob a total idiot but I know I did the right thing.

113677  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2008-04-14
Written: (5942 days ago)

Is anyone actually happy? I have spurts of happiness sometimes. Little pockets of peace that never last long enough. I can honestly only remember one day I have ever been completely happy. I wish I could remember what it felt like. All I want is to just be happy. That's all but its not so simple when your mind tortures you over and over and you can't forget no matter how many distractions you have you eventually run out. I want the pain to stop,I just want it over. Everything hurts and I am fucking tired of caring about everyone when no one seems to care enough to look beyond my fake smile and happy attitude to see the twisted disgusting person underneath.

113639  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2008-04-14
Written: (5943 days ago)

ok lets see my dad hasn't worked in 2 months,hes in the hospital now cause his heart had two blockages,they put stints in and now he can't work for 12 weeks. All our bills are way way late,cable/phone getting turned off 2morrow,I got let go,can't find a frickin job anywhere,no ones hiring 16 year olds with no ged,my only pair of glasses broke, my bf broke up with me cause i didn't want to have sex and now hes going out with TWO other girls! then i started liking this other guy who said he liked me but hasn't called or picked up in two days,oh and this morning my fucking car stopped working! Just make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like i'm drowning fighting so hard to breathe but I just keep going under

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