[Help Desk 101]'s diary

119522  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2008-11-29
Written: (5118 days ago)

Notebook Entry: #1
Date: 11/29/2008
Time Begin: 1:04AM

Tonight I feel like utter shit. I am fucking tired of my dad. Sometimes I do wish my parents were divorced like many of my other friends' parents are. My dad would never see me again. On another note, I wish I were the kid that never got my hopes up. I wouldn't be hurt so much. There's many nights where I am sad and some of those all I do is cry myself to sleep. I'm starting to be sad 24/7...What's the point of all this? Nothing good lasts forever. It's just common fact. Sad thing is, I make illusions for myself to be happy, but when I find out they're not real and just false beliefs, I break down, virtually lose it, lose myself. Maybe it's better to be in perpetual sadness, than be on the roller coaster and be happy one moment and insane the next. Yeah, maybe it's better to be at stable sadness than the chaotic unknown insanity that I can be driven into. At least then I won't feel the rock bottom insaneness. Like my heart and soul has been ripped out and shredded...Or maybe I'm sick and enjoy that? It's what it seems like. I've done that to myself plenty of times, what with the false beliefs and illusions I create myself all for the sake of a taste of happiness...So why do I still do that? Maybe I won't anymore. Who's to say. I know what I want but it never stays when I get it. So should I pursue it anyways? Is happiness worth getting hurt afterwards? And what about a partner? Are girls worth the trouble? Doesn't seem like it. They all leave me feeling dead when they're done with me. They all leave me. What is wrong with them? What is wrong with Me? Are they worth it? Am I worth them? Are any so as worthy to stay with me til I die? Am I worthy of someone being with me til I die? If yes let me know.

Time End: 1:32 AM

118730  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2008-10-18
Written: (5161 days ago)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDqzzZxMpjk
PULSE OF THE MAGGOTS - SLIPKNOT
This is the year where hope fails you
The test subjects run the experiment
And the bastards you know is the hero you hate
But cohesion is possible if we try
There's no reason, there's no lesson, no time like the present
Tell me right now, what have you got to lose?
What have you got to lose, except your soul?
Who's with us?!

(I fight) for the unconventional
(My right) and its unconditional
(I can only) be as real as I can
The disadvantage is I never knew the plan
(This isn't) just a way to be a martyr
(I can't) walk alone any longer
(I fight) for the ones who can't fight
And if I lose, at least I tried!

(We) We are the new diabolic
(We) We are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life, you can have it
(We) We are the pulse of the maggots

(I won't) be the inconsequential
(I won't) be the wasted potential
I can make it as severe as I can
Until you realize you'll never take a stand
(It isn't) just a one-sided version
(we've dealt) with the manic subversion
(I won't) let the truth be perverted
And I won't leave another victim deserted

(We) We are the new diabolic
(We) We are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life, you can have it
(We) We are the pulse of the maggots

(Do you understand?) Yes (x4)

Say it again, say it again
(We won't die) (x8)

(We fight) 'til no one can fight us
(We live) and no one can stop us
(We pull) when we're pushed too far
And the advantage is, the bottom line is
(We never) had to fight in the first place
(We only) had to spit back in their face
(We won't) walk alone any longer
What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger

(We) We are the new diabolic
(We) We are the bitter bucolic
If I have to give my life, you can have it
(We) We are the pulse of the maggots

(Do you understand?) Yes (x4)

Say it again, say it again
(We won't die) (x4)

118642  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2008-10-12
Written: (5166 days ago)

These slipknot songs are awesome =D




Slipknot - Everything Ends

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING
I haven't slept since I woke up
And found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING

Shallow skin, I can paint with pain
I mark the trails on my arms with your disdain
Everyday it's the same - I LOVE, YOU HATE
But I guess I don't care any more...
Fix my problems with the blade
While my eyes turn from blue to gray
God, the worst thing happened to me today
But I guess I don't care anymore...

You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING
I haven't slept since I woke up
And found my whole life was a lie, motherfucker
This is the end of EVERYTHING
You are the end of EVERYTHING

My flaws are the only thing left that's pure
Can't really live, can't really endure
Everything I see reminds me of her
God I wish I didn't care anymore
The more I touch, the less I feel
I'm lying to myself that it's not real
Why is everybody making such a big fucking deal?
I'm never gonna care anymore

What the hell am I doing?
Is there anyone left in my life?
What the fuck was I thinking?
Anybody want to tell me I'm fine?
Where the hell am I going?
Do I even need a reason to hide?
I am only betrayed
I am only conditioned to die



Slipknot-Duality

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, all I do is live with so much hate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!



Slipknot - Wait and Bleed

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander over where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Goodbye!

I wipe it off on tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is 3D blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can't control my shakes
How the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong...
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander over where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Get outta my head cuz I don't need this
Why I didn't I see this?
I'm a victim - Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just
Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander over where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Goodbye!

You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
My flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

And it waits for you!




Slipknot - Snuff lyrics

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camaflouge for what resembles rage again

So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I cant destroy what isn't there
To live with me into my fate
If Im alone I cannot hate
I dont deserve to have you
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me, saver every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight

So save your breath I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
My hope was bannished long ago
It took attempt before to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I wont listen to your shame
You ran away your all the same
Angels lie to keep control
My love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know

If you still care don't ever let me know
117893  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2008-09-03
Written: (5206 days ago)
Next in thread: 117942




I am tired of people who get in my face telling me that I am racist because I am white! This bulletin is what I have to say back at them, and those that take offense can knock me off their list!

And if posting this is racist, then so be it!

So

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans,
Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You Call me "White boy," "Gringo", "Cracker," "Honkey,"
"Whitey," "Caveman" .. And that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger,
Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink ... You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you,
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King
Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You
Have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP.
You have BET.

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) .. We'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day .. You would call us racists.

If we had White History Month . We'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives ..
We'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of
Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships
... You know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed
Black Colleges in the US , yet if there were "White colleges" ..
THAT would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching
For your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,
You would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're
Not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride ..
You call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer
Shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running
From the law and posing a threat to society .. You call him a racist.

I am proud.
But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

Now watch Im gonna be racist and click Post.

If you ar proud of your white heritage, then repost this!
112400  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2008-03-05
Written: (5388 days ago)

Subject: 50 years should be enough!

Copyright in sound recordings currently lasts for 50 years. An independent review (the "Gowers review") commissioned and endorsed by the UK government says it should remain at 50 years. Yet the recording industry continues to demand that this term be extended. But term extension would be an injustice to European musicians and musical culture, and may harm our economy.

Major record labels want to keep control of sound recordings well beyond the current 50 year term so that they can continue to make marginal profits from the few recordings that are still commercially viable half a century after they were laid down. Yet if the balance of copyright tips in their favour, it will damage the music industry as a whole, and also individual artists, libraries, academics, businesses and the public.

If you agree that copyright term on sound recordings should not be extended past 50 years, please, sign this petition today:
www.soundcopyright.eu
Together, we can defeat copyright term extension.

111223  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2008-02-01
Written: (5421 days ago)

on this bed i lay
holding back the demon
inside of me...
i tried through all the day
but tonight the barrier is broken...
opening things of the recent past
bleeding out from the wound...
releasing the demons from within
escaping only to return again
i try so hard but then...
it's wrong...
all wrong
all wrong...


crying...slowly dying...
bleeding...silently weeping...
cursed...rotten flesh bag...
unworthy...damned screwup...

i try oh so hard
but my dreams get smashed
everything i do or say
is never enough, always wrong
i feel that nothing matters

i'm falling, falling
but no one's there to catch me
i'm alone and drowning in my
river of plagues, so cursed
and this dismal feeling is worse

i'm losing my hope
holding on to a thread
and it is unraveling
and i am falling into
the dark abyss of my
ever growing self-destruction

everyone i know, i bring harm
and everything i've tried
it is nothing but wrong
alone i am meant to be
i only make things worse
that's all i've ever done

it was a dream but then
reality hit me
i've lost it all
everything i once knew
is no longer what it seems
don't know what to do
or what to say
don't know who to trust

existence in of itself
is a blessing, but for me
it's never been anything
but a curse
i'm tired of desperation
i'm tired of being tired

i looked in the mirror today
what i saw wasn't me
that's not what i am
it's not who i want to be
it can't be
it'll never be me

i'm losing myself in
all of my thoughts
cause i lost my human side
so long ago
nobody ever knew

my soul is bleeding
feeling the torment
hating the pain
wish it could end

i reap what i sow
all i receive is pain
i'm decaying in this shell
the demons in me have
deserted me.

everyone i thought i knew
they're all leaving me
shutting me out
nobody cares that i'm bleeding
and all i can feel is the sting
i'm worried and i'm crying

i can't go on
living this way
i'm losing my sight
my mind...
wish somebody could say
that i'm alright

this sweet despair
feeding my disease
my river of plagues
over and over it
breaks my heart
but i live on

i pick up the pieces
i repair myself again
like i have so many
times before

time and time again
it makes me want to go away
never to be found
so i can't hurt anyone else
i won't let it happen again
i'll never let it happen again...

107311  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-24
Written: (5521 days ago)

Teenage Heartbreak



Waiting in this suspenseful pain

I cry hidden tears in the rain

Wishing it was what it once had been

I thought I had it all but then...


Falling, breaking, shattering

Calling, painstaking, splattering


The blood of my soul floods from my eyes

Leaving my pillow wet with sobbing cries

It hurts to know that you're with him

My life suddenly seems so terribly grim


But I must keep on living my life

Suppress all of the sadness and strife

Keep family thinking that I'm alright

When in reality I hurt unfathomably at night


Bleeding, Crying, Hoping

Pleading, Trying, Moping


Plans of the future hanging on by a thread

Contemplating if I should move on instead

It brings my emotions to a win-lose conflict

Either way there is possible pain to inflict


I ponder if I should keep holding on

Or should I just leave at the break of dawn

My options are slowly seeping over the house fences

Hoping a night's sleep will bring me to my senses


Dreaming, Needing, Wanting

Screaming, Heeding, Haunting


Wake me up from this nightmare

I only wish that you would care

You and your actions hurt me

If you could just only see


Falling, Shattering, Crying

Calling, Clattering, Dying...


Chapters in life begin and end

And sometimes hearts are rend

Right out of a young man's chest

Sometimes he must learn to rest
106550  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-10-05
Written: (5540 days ago)

Heartbeat

Enshrouded in the darkness
The crimson runs down my face
I look around but find nothingness
Lost in a void of pure darkness
With only a light beaming down upon me
Moving with me everywhere I walk

Words echo into the empty continuum
FALLING! My hair rushes upward
Forever falling in this vast darkness
Calm comes over me, yet I still fall.
Suddenly I stop falling and am standing

A crimson light glows weakly in the blankness
I seemingly glide toward it as a vampire.
Each foot closer a heartbeat grows louder
Louder and louder in my mind it beats
I phase through the portal and find myself

Thud-thud
Thud-thud

Evergrowing is that beat that I hear
In the lushness of this forest I seek it
I run towards the sound that I desire
UMPH! Falling, rolling, tripped down a hill
Slowly I regain footing and I see the source

Thud-thud
Thud-thud

The heartbeat I hear made visible
I see her as she stands in the field
Beauty in mine eyes I have seen
My presence brings her eyes to mine
We approach each other, heartbeats distinct

We tell each other our journey we've done
We both heard each other's heartbeat
The beating of life within one another
Soon we shall know what is to come

106519  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-10-04
Written: (5541 days ago)

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''


When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.


A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.


Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''


The Teacher fainted.

106510  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-10-04
Written: (5541 days ago)
Next in thread: 106511, 106525, 106541

Love

Love
Sometimes It's all you want
To be loved
To have some to call yours

Such defiance it can cause
Ignores all logic
Causes irrational behavior
And may end friendships

The emotion it conjures
Makes you feel so good
Like it's the best thing ever
And you never want it to end

Love
Sometimes it's so terrible
You despise it
And end up losing hope

Such brokenness it can cause
Hurt beyond measure
Sometimes it's so bad
Lives end up being killed

It is a double-blade sword
Making compromise and taking risks
Even though it may not last
It is a chance you should take

Nothing compares to it
With it, much happiness arises
Loss of it, great sorrow is wrought
But it is a chance I'm willing to take.

106483  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-03
Written: (5542 days ago)

'Lost' Child

You think yourself right,
Yet you avoid me.
Run away at my sight.
What do you see?
Is it strange?
Are you scared?
Feelings beyond your range?
Emotionally Impaired?
Confused?
Feeling used, abused?
Desperately defused
before the love xplosion.
Detatched before
you're overrun with emotion.
You dislike what you don't understand.
You fear what you can't comprehend.
You avoid what is no longer known.
Suppress your conflicting thoughts
and emotions.
Hide them and forget them.
They'll only affect you later on.
The subcounscious will catch up
to you.

99770  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-05-23
Written: (5675 days ago)

"Nice guys finish last."

To every guy that regrets hurting or losing her.

To every guy who knows which girl he wants.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful." (instead of Damn ur hot!)

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that cried in front of her.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.

To every guy that would give his seat up.

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that gave his heart.

To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there...

If you are a nice guy repost this with "Nice guys finish last."

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to acomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left"

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