"This Grudge" - A beautiful song by Alanis Morissette

Fourteen years
Thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I've
Held this grudge

Eleven songs
Four full journals
Thoughts of punishment
I've expended

Not in contact
Not a letter
Such communication
Telepathic
You've been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece
Of every record

But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house
Dusty covered
Furniture
Still intact
If I visit it now
Will I simply re-live it
Somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
Much determined
Ever ill-equipped
To draw this curtain
How this has entertained
Validated
And has served me well
Ever the victim

But who's done whining now?
Who's ready to put down
This load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.

Like everybody knows, you have classes in school. Our school has also divided the classes into 3 groups. Every groups has to work on a bunch of assignments. At the and of the semester you have to sit down with your group and reflect on the weeks you worked together.
Me and my groups did a game. It's called the quality game. The game consist out of cards. Each card has a quality. Good and bad. The cards I received:

- Cheerful
- Alive
- Respectful
- independent
- Knows how to convince
- able to put things into perspective
- use tact in dealing with something
- enthusiastic
- Intelligent
- playful
- interested

I was like...WHAT o.O
Oh well...it's just new proof that I'm an amazing actress. I'm just too good in hiding things. In telling lies. In making people see what they want to see. This is just proof.

*raises one eyebrow*

I wonder to what kind of family I belong. I mean...I don't really have a home. My family sort of hates me...I feel more at home at my best friends house, even though I don't really belong there either. Her mother is cool though... She makes me feel like I'm really her daughter. She gets angry with me, hugs me...makes me feel at home.
But I know I don't belong there.

My mom is just a freaking weirdo. One day she is supersweet, but the day after she acts like she's gonna blow your brains out. My dad...well...he's my father....enough said there *whispers: Asshole* My brother can be pretty sweet, but he acts too much like me. Being insecure, trying to hide it. And it's also weird seeing stacie. Like a fucking mini-me. Damn that little brad. Why does she want to look like me? The only thing I can say is that her life will not get any better when she really becomes me.

And so I still wonder. To what family do I belong. Do I really have a family? Are my friends my family? The people I work with? Or maybe I'm just all by my self....

I wonder...

My bruised arm...How come, you ask? Well, let's see...The floor was slippery at work so I slipped...this is the result ><