Description:
I am not on here very much anymore.
If you wish to send me a message, then please feel free to do so, but I will not be able to reply for some time.
Please excuse any delays.
Also...
While I'm here, I want to point out, that I am married.
Happily married.
Which means I will not go out with you, no I will not cyber with you, and no I don't want to see your mutilated genitals.
Any reference to me perhaps wanting such attention in my profile is purely humorous, well thought out, witty, hilarious, and not in any way arrogant intelligence generated by my superior class of being to create a profile worth reading.
So please, don't try and convince me this is a good idea.
Thank you for your precious time, Elfpackers.
R.I.P Will Newman, my good friend. I shall avenge you if it kills me.
[One More Worthless Fallen Angel]
This part of my 'house' is in memory of one of my best friends, who was taken from us on 5th October 2007, at only 17 years old. He was a caring, considerate man, a good , loyal friend, an honest guy, and one who will be sorely missed. He was a good father before he even was one... and now he may be in peace with his daughter, as he always wanted; to be able to look after and protect her.
Will, I love you. I know I hardly ever said it. But I do. I will not sleep until you are given justice. You didn't deserve this. And I intent to correct it.
R.I.P my friend, we shall meet again.
Why hello there. *Sniffs finger* My name is Dave... But I changed my name to Kruschev. Welcome to my profile! It is shit! Read on.
I am a tall woman with long blonde hair and full breasts looking for hot, dirty-dirty sexy sex with tinfoil and rollerblades. DO ME RIGHT HERE ON THE TABLE LIKE A BEAST, YOU BULGING SACK OF SCROTUM FILTH!
Introvert and geeky, I try ever so much to seem like I'm hard, but I really don't have bad bone in my body. (Except for my right ulna, but that's a long story involving the riot police, an entire bucket of poison-tip nails, a hammer and a herd of rabid goats).
I will never link you to this page.
Should I ever point you towards this page claiming to be the person in those photos, do not believe me, for I am actually STALIN!! And Stalin was a communist, ergo, he was EVIL.
Furthermore, do not attempt to expose your titties/pissflaps/willyparts to me on your web-cam even if I beg for you to do so.
Needless to say, avoid even the most minimal banter with myself for there is an entire certainty that you're talking to a 100% psychopath...
If you were here right now I’d wag my finger at you vigorously and lecture you on social ethics. I hope it comes out fluorescent green and splatters all over your face the next time you masturbate.
If you're under 15 and full of bullshit will you please stop psychoanalysin
g me please? Like there's enough material here to know and call me conceited/big-headed/arrogant/cocky/plastic nappyrash. Go tell your bloody mother that she's conceited for crust's sake!
Like it's not obvious that my profile is both satirical and a mockery... How can I explain? Tongue-in-cheek, don't take opinions too seriously / read between the lines. You're not always a smart guy when you're being cynical. Now watch this, I'm going to type something conceited.
GOD I LOVE MYSELF, I AM SO HAWT AND SMARTER THAN YOU. I AM THE BEST AND I AM GOING TO SKULLFUCK YOU. Just kidding, but I bet that made you pop a boner. I'm about as hoity-toity as you are. At least I don't go pushing my fingers right up your nose.
A surprising amount of people tell me that I should cheer up on here... I really don't like stating the obvious but... Whatchu' talkin' 'bout foo'? I'm going to go and join some elitist cults now, just to piss you off. HAH.
By the way: I sell crack to little kids.
FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
Q: I noticed the necklace you’re wearing. Are you pagan/wiccan/circus folk?
A: I don’t base my life on anyone’s beliefs or theories apart from my own. One day I’ll take off the necklace and use it as a mould to make play-doh figures. Yes, I suck. And no, I’ve never partaken in a circus-like entertainment extravaganza.
Q: Who took/edited your photos?
A: I paid a photographer thousands of pounds to take and manipulate those crap images of myself. I don’t remember his name right now, but I think it was Juan-Jesús Jose María Martín Gonzalez Roberto Manuel-Gomez Perez…
Q: Could you tell me about the story involving the rabid goats… etc?
A: It’s a long story and I haven’t the time.
Q: Do you have an E-Mail address I can contact you with?
A: No E-Mails for me thankyee, I am Amish.
Q: What brand of eyeliner do you use? What product do you use in your hair?
A: Poo-poo.
Q: Did you really pay some guy to take your photos?
A: Come back when you're able to figure out what blatant sarcasm is.
Q: Hello, how are you?
A: I'm absolutely terrible I'm afraid. You see, I've been cutting myself constantly with the edge of a Mars Bar wrapper. The stress of everyday life has vanquished my thirst for living. Like for example - the other day I was walking down the street and I saw a Friends DVD I really wanted, but I did not have enough money in my wallet. I felt like running into some oncoming traffic. I then phoned up my mother to send me some money but she told me Friends is a load of dingy scrotum. Life isn't fair - I'm going to go top myself now.
Q: Do you speak spanish?
A: Of course I speak spanish. I am spanish. AAAAAAAAH READ TEH PROFILE!!!1oneonetwo. *seizure*
Q: Hello stranger, will you chat with me and be my ‘bestest’ friend?
A: Don't ask that of me... How many times have you asked a person for a friendly commitment like that and been successful?
Hi wil u b my frend!???
LOL, YEH!!!!!!11111 LAWLAWL!!!!!!!!
It just doesn’t happen…
Q: Oh wow, you're from Spain [how exotic]. What's it like over there?
A: Well, what can I say? Spain is a country - in Spain one may find houses, roads and trees. Our national dish is fried chicken liver. We feast upon the earlobes of the elderly. If you look right, you'll always see a turquoise scarf floating beside you. Potatoes run free throughout the country-side and one must watch out for their loincloths, for they will wrap it around your face and suffocate you. Once in Spain, if you look up you will see a thing I like to call "sky" or "clouds" or even a mixture of both. If you see neither it's probably because you're wearing the wrong type of hat which disables you from looking upwards. If you're not wearing a hat and you can't see the sky it probably means that you're gay or have cancer - or genital herpes. If you do in fact have genital herpes I am genuinely sorry for you, but I'd rather you'd not smother your genitals into my face. In spain we specialise in selling "Ñ" buttons for the keyboard, we don't export kiwi juice and it is forbidden to bear the name "Harrold" on one of your white t-shirts.
And that my friends, is what Spain is all about.
Q: Hello, R U in a band lol?
A: No, I'm not *that* cool. I do smoke though. Smoking is cool. Don't believe me? Go get hooked on smoking. I guarantee that your coolness shall increase by 800% the instant you light up that cigarette. You don't want to look uncool in front of your friends, do you?
Q: I sent you a message but you haven't replied, are you ignoring me?
A: Two things:
1- Look at the time... What time is it? I thought so. Go to sleep now. :)
2- We probably live in a different time zone.
Okay, I am not the sort to be all lovey-dovey gooey yucky *pukes* about the one I'm with. But fuck it. I have to do SOMETHING for my gorgeous financee.
So here goes *clears throat*
Lana, [Echoes in the moonlight], I love you. I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. There is no one else in the world I would ever ask to marry me, and I am so happy that I did.
Being with you has made me want to be a better person. Anyone can confirm that I have been a much nicer person since being with you. You have helped me believe that happiness is possible. You helped me believe I wasn't worthless. You helped me believe in myself. You helped me live again.
You are the best thing in my life, and I don't ever want to have to lose you.
But most of all, I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for being with me, for standing by me when I make mistakes, for getting me another beer when I've finished mine (which I might add, is very much appreciated :) ) and thank you for being the most amazing person I have ever met.
I love you.
EDIT NOTE: If anyone comments on this message to my future wife with something they believe is witty I shall really turn into the Hulk. I'm dead serious. I don't do this stuff often. So be happy that I am nice. Sometimes.
Dave Likes...
People!
So, I was on my way to the bus station the one night minding my own business. On the other side of the street walked a balding middle-aged man wearing a suit and tie, he carried a small briefcase. Not 10 feet from him stood a small dog. He casually walked up to it and studied the mutt carefully. Before I even came close to him he dropped his briefcase and took hold of the dog in his arms. "MY DOG," he screamed at me, his face red with fury. Even though I couldn't see his face clearly due to the poorly lit avenue I could imagine the veins protruding from his forehead, his eyes meeting mine whilst emitting signals strong with spite and a feeling of intense hatred. As I stood still he ran off into an alley with the dog leaving his briefcase behind. I wanted nothing more to do with the situation.
I carefully picked at the many stitches sewn into my head, courtesy from the butt-end of the gun that nice fellow was carrying on him as he repeatedly pummelled me into a bloody mess. How rude of me it was to decline his request for me to hand over my bike keys. After all, he probably only wanted my bike to then sell it and use the money he so rightfully would have earned on a cocaine-fix for the night. How he begged me to not chase him down the street in and bleed on him before I cracked him a few more times over the face with my helmet. This was all in self-defence mind you, a wise thing to do considering he had a gun. I must have tried reasoning with him for over an hour before he decided to take the action he found necessary to perform in broad daylight. Eventually I pulled the stitches out one by one, so there was no need to remove them after a long wait at the clinic queue.
Still, I have faith in people, yet I'm just another conceited stereotypical Goth. (Edit-note: I'm not telling anyone I'm conceited, it's supposed to mean I'm perceived as such at face value, but who am I to know anyway...)
Dave Dislikes...
Ronald McDonald. Agh.
I hate how rude my dog is when he performs oral on himself everytime I have guests over. I hate the traffic in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening. It really pisses me off when I'm making/eating food and I get blank stares from various household pets.
I hate it when people try and make me feel guilty for stupid reasons - for example when I kill puppies. Nothing wrong with that I tell you...
The one thing I truly despise here which I can be serious about is how the majority of you assume that I think I'm too good for you and how I haven't the time for anyone. Some of you go straight to prejudice and tell me that I'm shallow, regardless of how much you know me. Else, you'll talk to me and make it seem as if you're not worthy, and as if by doing so - I'll grant you mercy and I might accept you. You lower yourselves in front of me. Cut that shit out. It's insulting.
- You just send me on an all-around guilt trip everytime I see one of You say these things.
Probably because I want to believe this. Boo-fucking-hoo. Woe is me.
[Mr. Oogie Boogie]
After much of his "pleaseee's" and "D:'s" I agreed to own Jack.
Unlike most owners I shall not use him for sexual pleasure.
Only when it comes down to fruit fetishes shall he be required sexually.
No, I shall use my ownership wisely.
He is a whorefaced bitch.
And I own him.
This should be interesting... *evil grin*
Parting note...
I still get people asking me if I really did pay some guy to take my photos... Jesus tampon-wearing Christ, I'll set this straight I guess. No, I did not pay anyone a ridiculous amount of money for the photos. I did them myself and they're CRAP - Over and out.
And the Lord said 'Twisted Purgatory, just give up for fuck's sake you're 18 already.' Amen.
