My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a essess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, PRINCESS!"

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Thanks to [雛労　チャン] for submitting this joke; hope it got a laugh out of you! Submit your own to Elfpack Jokes, and they could appear on mainstuff.

Thanks [Endings Start] for submitting this joke.


For eleven long years, the former sea captain had remained, stranded on the deserted island his boat had sunk nearby. And for eleven years, he had walked the same beach, looking for a distant ship, a distant hope.
One day, as he walked the beach, he looked up in shock, as there stood the most amazingly beautiful woman he'd ever seen, wearing only a trenchcoat!
He ran up to her, and said, "Ma'am, why are you here?"
She replied, "God has felt pity upon you and your trials, and has send me to reward you. Would you like a drink, Captain?"
The man thought for a minute. "Well, it has been eleven years.. a drink would really hit the spot.."
So the lady opened a coat pocket, pulled out a bottle of scotch, and handed it over to the man, who drank with more satisfaction than any man should get from a stiff drink. Then she said, "Would you like a smoke, Captain?"
The man thought for a minute. "Well, it has been eleven years.. a good smoke would be great.."
So the lady opened a coat pocket, pulled out a huge cigar, lit it up and passed it to the man, and he puffed on it with wonderous happiness. The woman then said with a smile, "Would you like to play around?"
The man was thoughtful, taking his time. "That would be great, ma'am!"
She smiled and slowly began to unzip the overcoat."
The man was amazed, and said! "You mean you got a set of golf clubs in there too?"

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Thanks [Deg] for this featured joke:


Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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Props to [HeAVenShallBuRN] for submitting this joke.


Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don't we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whiskey in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"

Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. "Here, you have some!"

Mike passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the police get here."

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