*OH SO SAD*

Life is a bore, why is it so borining? I'm 21 I have stuff to complain about, Iactually have probelms and stress, unlike some ages I know.
Realationships are hard, I've only had one previously to the fiance' and he was a nice guy, but I swear I have more stress now than I had when I was that depressed teenager.

I was a depressed child... my mother was so scared of me being hurt that she kept me under lock and key. Which just hurt me in the end cause I was so fucking depressed and lonely, I couldn't enjoy anything. I hated going places, I hated being seen, I hated lookin at myself in the mirror. I mean no one other tahn my mother told me I was beautiful so I didn't thinK i was at all.

Fianlly I hit 18, and I decided to stay in town with my friend. (I went away for the summer.)
I moved in with my control best friend of 13 years,We partied a little, tried the best to enjoy our time together.
I was treated like shit, I was guilted into feeilng bad about whatever I did and whatever I said to her, or anyone else around me.
We partied with 'her' friends, and I worked a long hard day one day and was taking a nap, when she phoned me from the bar and said that I promised her I would party with her and her friends. I told her I had worked all night and need a rest, that I really did want to go out, but I had to work again the next day, My mom was there at our house. She saw how tired I was, I looked like shit. I was pale and I could barely keep my eyes open, but then... "your a bad friend, just stay there with your boyfriend and I'll party alone." Ah, yes the guilt trip, so after popping a few asprins for my headache, and saying I'd see my boyfriend when I was done partying, I trotted off likea good little friend,t o drink away my sorrows until I puked up my guts and got up to work the next day.

And then I met my man.Through her of course, she told me about him, saying he was hot and that I could totally have him. IF I got fatter, (I only weigh 105 pounds, I'm 5'8) and if I was good enough.
But I wasn't fatter, hell I looked like shit taht night, but I met him and I feel in love.

But he of course he wasn't the first choice. I had a little fling with my man's best friend. (before I met my man, I'm not a whore.)
Nothing happened, i found out the guy was a man whore.
Then my man showed up and I saw trust and love in him. I trust him so much, he was a good man, who wasn't a whore thank god.
Well to my friend I was stupid and didn't know anything abotu love and all he wanted was to get in my pants.
Fuck her she slept with my cousin who's 12 years older than her and lied about it. But alas she must be smarter and wiser than me.
So i kept on seeing him, and our care grew, and she guilted me into thinking I was a bad person, I was abandoning her and I was an evil friend. So every time I came home from a date with my boyfriend, (all my dates worked around her schedule so I didn't piss her off) that I puked everytime I came home.
I was always shaking and I was always scared. maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I should have told her to back off. But I was her friend, friends didn't do those things to friends. I was blinde and I was stupid.
I cried all the time, I hated myself so much.
Then she left me with rent and bills and a debt and married my cousin (she screwd at my family reunion) and is now giong to bear his child.
So I moved away to live with my honey, we got a nice apartment finally (after I had to endure 4 months of the whore best friend and his crack head friend.) and it was all nice.
I thought I would finally be happy. I had someone who loved me and who actually wanted to take care of me and wanted me to feel good about myself, i didn't have her to put me down, or my mom to lock me away. I felt fine for a while, but still why do I still lurk in the shadows of the past?
Why do i still hate myself? Why do I sit there hours at a time telling myself I am not good enough, that I'm merely just a girl with no where to go, and no one to become?

I had a horrible fucking day today. Wholy shit, I work at a gas sation, u would think that would be a pretty low stress job, but fuck. people can be so rude and stuckup.
I had this bitch come into the carwash (where I was working) and ask me if we took time off her carwash for her going through the front doors. I looked at her stupidly and was like "What how long does it take a person tog et through a door???"
Fucking people, pay ur goddamn 25 cents it cost for u to wash that piece of shit and get out of my face.
I am not a rude person. I'm civil and kind and I smile like a banshee, but when people strut into my workplace thinking their king shit, I feel like reachign across that fucking counter and slapping them. Think, u wouldn't like it if I came into ur job acting the way u do at mine...

Argh I gotta stop going through all these people on this thing.
I want to take half of them and take the other half and smash their heads together.
If ur within the age of 11-16... I'll strech the 16, you are NOT A SEX monster, you do not (could but most likely do not) have big boobs and a big ass. U are not old enough to even understand being sexy, or having sex for that matter, and your parents should know what the fuck your doing on this thing.
Do you want to be kidnapped and tortured? Cause seriously your leaving yourself wide open. So get a fucking clue and stop being stupid. I am only saying this because I see this happen all the time. Ur 12 years old, where's your barbies!!

I love my diary, it's not like anyone reads it.
So I want to start my own Bordelo, yes a BORDELO, I mean it would be a great business in the sleazy dirty town I live in and it would mean getting some hot, clean hookers in to town, instead of this ugly, dirty cracked ones.
It woudl be like Moulion Rouge, but without the diamonds.
I've given all my guy friends one free pass.
I would test all teh girls, and each girl would have her own bodyguard, (dont' want nobdy ruffing up my girls)
It would be so fun, I'd be a Madame and it would be grand!