So...
How do you know when a guy may or may not want to stay with you?
Well, I guess when they say over the past couple of weeks they've seen you more as a friend than a girlfriend. But then, after this profession they get all over you and hang out like you did when he thought of you as more?? Our relationship seemed to change for a while but now it's getting back to flirty possibly. I'm a bit confused and the coming break from college isn't going to help because we'll be apart a whole month. This could be bad and It's really upsetting me even though I told myself I wouldn't get that attached. I never have good relationships that last long and I always have really long bad relationships...It's gotta be me then. I don't know what else it would be since the one factor that doesn't change is me. I'm that constant variable. Paradoxical isn't it? Constant variable...maybe that's not the term I'm looking for then, but I'm the constant, the others are the variable.

All right, maybe I'm just playing the emo card...but that's what this diary is for; the bitching I can't do to others. Even though it's public, I'm sure no one is really reading it and I have to spill so- I cut again. Not my wrists, I didn't want others around me to know. It's not for them. It's not for attention. It's for the adrenaline rush that gets me through a tough part of the day in a high state of positive emotion. That seems so odd, that hurting myself creates such a great feeling. I know that if I hadn't done it, I would have flipped out on people because everyone was fighting and I have to play mediator to it all. But the cutting, I mean I didn't go that deep. I was testing a new area to do it where people wouldn't see and it felt amazing. I hate that part of me that is addicted to it, but I can't seem to do without lately. I hadn't done it in so long and the rush it gave me felt amazing. Simply wonderful. That's sick right? I should see someone...

Rooming, as well. That has me a little stressed. I'm used to being very clean and put together but this roommate I have is far from that and I pick up habits. I am not liking myself lately and I think that could be a part of the messing up of Tony and I. He and I are both Empaths, we pick up emotions like our own, or energies in the world and take them on. He knows how to keep them away more than I but I'm very strong emotional output I think. He could be picking up on my self-hate as of late. That could be it. And the more he's away the more I feel that. It's a bad circle and I really need to fix things. I'm going to over break where I have the space and time to get back into a good body and state of mind.

Anyway, I have so much to catch up on...still. I have a feeling I won't be getting much sleep this week. But I'll get my work done and have a long break! I have to practice Japanese over break but that's okay.

So...It's December already. This semester is going by sooo quickly. I really should be doing a lot of homework but I'm exhausted. I might just take a nap and get up and do more homework...That would be a good idea.

Mmm...my roommate is driving me up a wall as of late. I'm trying not to get upset, but she's rude to my friend and she's dirty as all fucking get out. I'm the only one to clean the room. She never showers. Well she does, but not frequently. And she doesn't change her pants ever. Laundry needs to be done, dishes...I get my shit done every day.

Anyway, I'm off to shower and bed so I can get up and do homework.

I think I need a new place to blog because there are people who have access to my Yahoo blog that I don't want reading some of this. Isn't that odd that I'm more open for strangers to read what I have to write than people close to me? I guess it sort of makes sense, all a stranger can do is judge over the internet, maybe write to me about how much I suck. That's easily tossed aside and forgotten. If someone I know reads it then problems can occur, like has already happened. I lost a best friend because I kept blog about my college life.

I was finally starting to like school and had some friends, hell I even picked up a boyfriend. So I wrote about it and she was able to see. She is going to college too but staying at home while she does so, therefore she's finding it hard to make friends because those she had are off at school (like me) and those she could make are not staying at home like she is. She doesn't get the close campus experience that her friends are and that makes it hard on her. I didn't mean for her to read the things and think that I was rubbing it in that I had friends while she was stuck at home studying. I just wanted to get my good feelings out there and plus, my roommate loved to read my blog and my thoughts on everything that was happening at school. I enjoyed writing about the fun that I was finally having after entering my third year at school. I didn't mean for this to be a source of conflict.

I'm still very confused at where things went wrong because I tried very hard to talk to my friend and make sure that she felt included. I mentioned bringing my school friends home so that she could meet them and have something fun to do over the weekend with more than just her mother or cousins. I thought it would be something she would appreciate. But no, she pushed me away and told me I was doing something wrong. She never told me, until today, that it was because I had friends and it made her jealous. She merely said I did something wrong and she would get over it. That's not going to solve anything though, so stupidly I pushed. and pushed. That resulted in her telling me that I was wrong in our friendship, that I was selfish and stupid for pushing her aside. She wouldn't wait for me to have time for her which I couldn't help being two hours away. I made the attempt to talk but I can't believe what I did today.

I never meant to lose my temper, I had planned on working things out. I really wanted to as she was my best friend but I guess that wasn't the way things were supposed to go. Now, I don't believe that anything happens for a reason, I believe we humans give it the best we got and we go from there. If something turned out one way it's because we made it turn out that way. So my losing my temper and calling her two faced probably helped this friendship end.

I said it because I listened for years to her talk about her frustrations, her family, her personal problems with friends and work, everything PERSONAL and she had the gall to tell me today that my personal life was my own problem and had no place in her life, that I had no right to tell her about my new friends and boyfriend that it isn't a friend's place to hear about these things. I can't be friends with someone like that because I spill my heart to everyone I know, especially my best friends who spill their hearts back. I can't believe I listened to her heart and she couldn't do the same for me. Well, if that makes me selfish, then fine. But that makes her, in my mind, two faced. So I felt empowered when I told her to "Fuck off" and then immediately bad. I can't change that though I can't feel regret. There is no point because I can't take it back and at the time, I meant it. No point in regretting something I meant.

Anyway, I guess I'll blog about my life in my nifty online journal to a bunch of people I don't really know :D That's good enough for me.