Well diary. I'm falling apart.
My life feels like tangled fishing wire. If your fishing wire has ever been tangled then you would know how I feel. But this is the only fishing line I have and this is the only life I have so I just have to sit down and work on the tedious work of picking it out of the endless knot.
I don't know what to do.
I never know what to do.
Alright diary. He snapped at me over something stupid and he realized his mistake. He apologized but then he decided we really cant be together. But the good thing is that after he snapped at me I came to my senses and I know now that I don't want to be with him. Buuuuuut we are still bickering like an old married couple and driving everyone insane along with ourselves so we're going to talk on Wednesday.
What led up to this talk business was something that he heard from someone and he confronted me about it. See, he doesn't know that I don't want to be with him anymore at this point. He thinks I'm just crazy and mean. Anyway. He heard from someone that I said I didn't want to be with him right now becuase he's unstable. Because he is! And he knows it! But he still exploded on me and started bringing up personal things he heard about me and one of my ex's and it was embarrassing and it hurt me so I lashed out. What the heck else was I supposed to do. He's a jackass when he's mad. So yelled at me for lashing out. (Ok listen here. I'm not always going to be level headed when in an arguement that concerns something that he should know nothing about, that NO ONE should know about). Yeah. He just brought it up and figured I would be fine talking about it with him. He's an asshole.
Yeah so he was talking over me and trying to get his point out but my phone had already died once and it was threatening to die again, and I needed to tell him something very important. And what he was saying wasn't as important becuase he was just arguing and being annoying. Ok yeah so I yelled over him and said something I've been wanting to say for a long time, "Shut up for once!" And he did. It was great. And I told him calmly that I didn't want to be with him. Right now. And we can't very well be friends becuase he is insane.
He got really quiet for a second and refused to answer me when I said his name. Then I yelled his name and he told me really quietly that he wanted to be with me but he knew that we both needed a break. A long break.
So basically I broke him. I yelled in his ear that I didn't want to be with him. And he wants to be with me. But he needs to get his fucking shit together if he wants me back. Because I'm not taking the abuse I've been getting from him for the past few weeks.
Then the next morning I was so angry becuase after we did all that he texted me and said he never wanted to talk to me or see me again. Which is a bunch of bullshit. He's said that so many times before. But I said it back. And I meant it.
But that was a waste becuase we will most definitely see each other and talk to each other again becuase that's just how we are. Fucking suicidal maniacs.
Anyway. In the morning I woke up really early and couldn't get back to sleep becuase the fight was still eating away at me. And I was so angry that I was losing sleep over him (for the third time this week) becuase of a dumb fight. So I texted him something horrible and mean with every intention to hurt him. Becuase I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. Which is quite insane and I really should get to therapy. But it's how I felt.
So I told him that it felt like he had stopped loving me a few days before he broke up with me and that now he's been lying and saying that he loves me becuase he can't bare to be on someone's bad side. Then he texted me back and told me. 'You know that's not true.' And I do. Which is the worst part. Then I told him that he's been using me for some kind of toy or something. That's when he called me. I didn't really expect or want it. But he was in a rage. He was yelling and telling me that I was wrong and that he wasn't all the things I was saying he was. But in the back of my mind I still think that.
Eventually he calmed down and we were talking normally. Then I hung up. Feeling better.
Later on he texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out and talk on Wednesday. I said yes. He told me we could do anything I wanted to do. But after that he kept texting me and giving me suggestions and all that and I told him that I just hadn't thought of anything yet. Then I asked him why he was rushing me and why he kept saying we should do stuf early in the morning. Then, of course, he told me that a member of his band was coming back from vacation that day and he wanted to be there so they could jam.
The same old thing. I mean so little in the big picture. Especially to him. I'm his chore that he has to complete before he can have any fun.
Hearing that made me feel like I should just cancel the whole thing all together becuase he obviously didn't want to do it anymore.
But no, I didn't. Becuase I wanted to take up as much of time as possible. Maybe as a punishment. Or maybe because I miss him. I don't know.
All the day he kept texting me. Everything and anything he could think of. And it was really starting to annoy me. I loved the attention but I was doing things and I didn't want to be thinking about him all day.
So I decided him and I could go to breakfast at my aunt's house. It's a calming environment and she wouldn't bother us if I said we needed to talk. Plus I wanted to stay the night out there and I needed a ride. (I'm being a bitch. I know)
So I told him. But he shot it down becuase he wanted to stay in town for his band member. (That hurt). But I told him that he said that we could do what I wanted. And that's what I wanted. So he gave in. Then he called me and he sounded all weird. We talked about going to my aunt's and he was wondering if it would be weird with him there and I know it won't. But I was doing things and I had to leave. But I interrupted him saying something and he reluctantly hung up. i told him that I would call him later but he said no.
When I got home I asked him what was wrong and he refused to tell. So I annoyed him until he gave in. He said something was bothering him and he wanted to talk about it. So he called me. Turns out the whole day he had been worrying about us. He had been thinking about what I had said that morning and he wanted to know if it was true. If I really thought those things. I do. But I told him I didn't becuase I know that it would only hurt him. And would potentially lead to him getting mad and not taking me to my aunt's. He said that he had been checking his phone all day to see if I had texted him or called him and whenever he texted me (even if it was something he knew I wouldn't reply to) he sat eagerly awaiting my reply.
It was weird hearing those tings from him. That he would make himself that vulnerable and then tell me about it. I didn't know what to say.
But I love him. Even if I don't want to be with him.
Ok diary. This one is crazy.
Aaron and i are close. Really close. And even in our breakup we were still really affectionate. I've been asked by so many people why we arent together. It baffles them. It baffles me too. Because him and i are 100% in love. So here's the story.
After a lot of drama that almost caused Kathy and Dan to breakup, Aaron and I bonded. We walked around and talked and remembered how much we miss each other. After things settled down with Kathy and Dan and they were still together, Aaron and I started feeling those warm fuzzy feelings about each other. Later on he told me that those feelngs had never went away.
So last night I wetn over to Kathy's to hang out. Aaron and Dan came over and we talked and watched youtube videos for hours. The four of us get along so well, it feels like a family. But the whole time, Aaron was all over me. He was constantly touching me, either in a hug or holding my hand or kissing my cheek as he passed me. And I loved it. He was always like this when we were together only it was a little steamier. But I could definitely feel the lava breaking apart inside of me and threatening to boil over.
So Kathy and Dan were watching a video that Aaron or I suggested and we were laying on the bed behind them. His arms were wrapped tightly around me and our faces were so close I could feel his breath on my cheeck. Then he looked at me and mouthes 'I miss you'. I could have died right there. I mouthed back 'I miss you too'. And he kissed me right on the lips. It wasn't a long kiss but it was enough to rattle me to the point where i would look at him a little too long after speaking to him.
He wanted to spend the night with me. And don't get him wrong, he's a good clean guy, he had no ill intentions, he just wanted to sleep in the same bed as me. "So I can hold you till I fall asleep", he said. And I wanted that. Bad. So I was talking to Kathy and she told me that we could just go back to Aaron's house so her and Dan could stay the night together too. When I told Aaron he smiled (a real smile, haven't seen one of those in a long time) and he said that was perfect. Everyone in his house was working except for him today.
So when his tired-hyper satge wore off I decided we better go. In the car we talked A LOT. He said that he thought the problem of our relationship before was that we were taking it too fast emotionally and it was wearing on both of us. He told me that he wanted to be with me. I told him I wanted that too but didn't know if it was the right time. I was still hurting over all the things he did to hurt me and he lack of trust. But he said that wasn't a problem anymore. He felt just as comfortable with me than he would ever be.
So when we got to his house there was a lot of sneaking around until we got to the basement (his room) (very cold). We got all ready for bed and wrapped around each other in the blankets until we were right where we could be to whisper. We talked some more and we kissed a lot more. It was just like the first time all over again. I lost everything in him and he was all I had to hold on to in that kiss. I love that. I missed it.
He told me that he had always been mine, there was no question. He couldn't be with anyone else. And he kissed me again. I told him the same thing. He kissed me again. He said that he wanted to be together. I told him I wanted that too. He kissed me again. Then he said that him and I could start slow, slower than we did before, and work our way to where we were. I kissed him this time and he pulled away with a smile. Another real one. Than I asked if him and I could be officially together and he kisseed me all over my face and said "I'm yours". I whispered it back to him and smiled. "You done done me," I said. "You bet I felt it," he quoted back. "I tried to be chill..." i trailed off. And he pulled me closer, "But you're so hot that I melted." And it was perfect.
Good afternoon diary. Aaron came over today to drop off my necklace and various other things i wanted back. When I saw him I melted. It happens every time these days. I didn't know what to say because I plain out couldn't speak. He handed me my things and stood there a second longer. Neither of us looked at each other. Then I told him to sit down and hug me and he did. Well he pretty much fell in my arms. We hugged for a really long time. Halfway through he started crying and he squeazed me tighter, burying his face in my shoulder.
After that I told him he should stay and hang out. I was watching some mindless movie and I just wanted to be with him. We got nice and comfortable on the chair and he rested his head on my chest and continued to quietly cry. It's hard seeing him cry. It rips me apart. He's always been the strong one. But I've seen him cry so many times these past weeks.
But occasionally he would put his hand to close to a commitment zone and we would be too close in general and I would have to abck us off. He told me right then that he didn't want to use me. And I know exactly what was going on in his head. He's confused as hell. He told me. He wants to be with me but there was a good reason we broke up. We just can't do it right now.
As the hours went on he would say that he should go and make no move to leave. Then I would say that I wanted him to stay and he would be fine with it. I missed him. More than even I realized.
He tried to kiss me. Our faces were too close and he moved in automatically for a kiss. I moved away. It upset him. Most likely becuase he realized he was about to use me. Or that I rejected him. But he's smarter than that.
He held me like I've been needing to be held.
He told me I looked pretty today.
Then he really did kiss me. I didn't want it but I did. I wanted it so bad. But without a tie to him it meant nothing and that hurt. He was kissing me meaninglessly and it was killing me. I pushed away a couple times but i wanted it too bad to not have it. I want him to want to be with me. But he didn't and I was well aware of that.
After a little of that I pushed him away and turned my face from his. There was a long silence then he moved up closer to me and asked me if I would kiss him. I turned my face away more so he wouldn't see me tearing up and said no. He wasn't trying to use me. He didn't want that.
But I ended up kissing him again anyway. Then he rolled over on top of me and I almost died. These were all the things I've been wanting. But they meant nothing.
I pushed him off of me and looked him in the eyes. I asked him what he wanted. His eyes welled up and he looked down and said he didn't know. That's when I really started crying becuase that was not the right answer.
He moved away from me and stood up. He said he had to go and he went and put his shoes on and left. Without saying goodbye. Without saying he loved me. Without hugging me and telling me we could still be friends.
I rolled up in a ball in the chair and cried. He must have seen me as he walked by the window but I didn't care. I wanted him to know.
He texted me after I heard his car leave the driveway. He said he was sorry. Then he said he couldn't see me again. I've heard him say that so many times. But it still hurts just the same.
Well diary, yesterday was hell. I went and spent the day and night with my grandmother on Tuesday and I forgot my charger so I just let my phone die. No one texts me anyway. So when I got home I plugged it in and went on my merry way. When I came back to it though...I had 6 texts from various people all asking me if I was dating one of my guyfriends. I would have just brushed it off if Aaron, my most recent and still painful ex, hadn't texted me as well. He was really freaking out. He thought that I had started liking this guyfriend of mine while him and I were still together. And that hurt. Because Aaron was my whole world. I still can't get him out of my head long enough to even consider dating another guy. But he was saying all these hurtful things and there was nothing I could do. I tried calling him to get it straightened out but he never answers his phone when he's mad. So I just texted him telling him it wasn't true and that I would never go out my that guyfriend. I had just been hanging out with him because I missed him when he was away at boot camp.
I asked Aaron where he had heard the ridiculous rumor and he said that he heard it from a close friend of mine. I asked my cousin, Kathy, where he had heard it and she said that her boyfriend had told him. But he had heard it from someone else that heard it from someone else! So everyone is going around and spreading this warped rumor that does nothing but push the one person I love the most farther and farther away.
I started crying of course. That he would believe known liars over me. He used to trust me with his life. But now he can't even trust that I'm not lying to him about something crazy. I was at my breaking point. My true breaking point. Because all the times before I thought I had been pushed to human capacity, I was wrong. I broke down and just laid there on my bed trying to find ways to convince him that he should believe me. I don't want him to hurt.
Luckily my best friend, Ashley, was there. She took my phone and calmed Aaron down. Because of course he would believe her over me. Sigh. They talked for a while and things cooled down.
After a long time he texted me instead of Ashley. He didn't apologize, which is what he should have done, he continued to be suspicious and accusatory. I kept my cool though. Which is a surprise. Becuase he's usually the one to be calm and I'm the one freaking out. Anyway. I talked him through and he said that he was hurt by what he heard. I said I was sorry. Which is silly becuase I didn't do anything wrong but hang out with a guyfriend and let my phone die at the wrong time. He calmed down after a long while of talking with me. I wanted to call him becuase I really hate texting about things that important but I knew he wouldn't answer.
Then, towards the end, I told him that I was willing to be his friend even if he wasn't willing to be mine. I expected that to be the end of it and he wouldn't text me back but he did. He said he wanted badly to be friends but he was still a little leary about the whole me-dating-rand
Shortly after that I got a text from my cousin's boyfriend, the mess maker. He apologized for ruining my day and hurting Aaron. He asked me if I wanted him to try to talk Aaron down but I declined. I figured he would be fine for then. But my cousin's boyfriend, Dan, told me that right before he had told Aaron about the Kyle (my guyfriend) rumor that Aaron was talking about how he had cooled down a lot since he had talked to me last and that he really hoped that we could be back together soon. That was paiful to hear. And Dan said that he thought that Aaron still really liked me. It hurt. So I denied it. I told him that I didn't think that becuase Aaron has told me many times that he either doesn't want to see me again, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't ever want to be with me, those kind of things. He said that he never wanted to be with me again in the first text he sent me about the Kyle thing. It sounds like he's confused about it. I'm just not going to say anything. He can figure it out on his own. But I'm tired of him saying these things to me over and over whenever we have a disagreement. Because I am aware that he feels that way. I don't want him to rub it in my face every time. I feels like I'm losing him all over again. It just makes it hurt more.
But he hasn't texted me today so either he hasn't thought up a time to hang out or he just won't talk to me again. Either way will be hard.
So diary...After all that with my ex just a couple days ago, he texted me yesterday. Well I'm sorry to admit that I texted him first. But it was for a good reason. He has my favorite necklace at his house and he keeps forgetting to give it back. I'm afraid that he's going to throw it away. And i forget to mention it when we were talking on the phone. So I texted him asking for it back. He never answered, of course. Because he's an asshole. But a couple hours after that he sent me this text going on about the lead guitarist from my favorite band. And I thought it might have been someone that had the wrong number because I deleted his number out of my phone but i matched it up to the number I called when I talked to him. Then I thought, maybe he just sent it to the wrong person. But that's pretty much impossible becuase I was the one the introduced him to that band and I doubt he's shared it with anyone. He's not like that. So I really have no idea. Maybe he forgot he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again and just texted me like he used to.
I don't know. But it's driving me carzy thinking about it. He doesn't just go back on his word. He said e never wanted to speak with me again. Why would he text me?
Good evening diary. My emotions have been on the fritz for the past few days. But I think I'm starting to come to terms with all of this.
Love is pain. And sometimes guys push me to wish that I was gay. But, unfortunately, I'm not that lucky.
I ran into my recent ex at the battle of the bands yesterday after breaking the no talking/textin
So anyway. I saw him. He was happy to see me because he's just like that. But it definitely ruined my good time.
After a while Ashley, him, and I (Ashley is my best friend by the way) went off to talk. Because I hadn't talked to him in a while I had all these things I wanted to say. He was not amused and he asked me why thse things were relevant to anything. He's been getting mean lately. Then he said that him and I should start seeing other people.
Ok listen here diary, breaking up usually means seeing other people. So he just tried the goddamn knife. And it really was the last thing I wanted to hear.
So I shut down. I was also a little embarassed that he would put me in a corner like that in front of Ashley.
He got mad that I wouldn't talk about it and stormed off. He didn't come back. I cried. We left. End of story.
Or is it.
I called him today to get things straightened out. I needed an end to my suffering in silence. (Poetic, I thought) Anyway. He was angry when he answered the phone. I was super chill for some reason (that never happens. I'm usuall the one bawling and blubbering and yelling) but he was just cutting me down at every curve. It's frustrating talking to someone who's acting like that.
But I told him that I apologized for the way I've been acting. He accepted. But he was still mad. I told him how recent things he said made me feel. It just made him angrier becuase, I know this now, that he really doesn't love me anymore.
It's hard to admit that. Even to you diary. But that's how it is.
I will never talk to him again. Well I might exchange pleasantries later in life. But I can't be with someone who doesn't want me. We'll never be together again and I understand that. And we certainly can't be friends. And that's the worst of all. Because he's beautiful. And just...well...
Hello diary. My supposed true love just broke up with me. But we decided to do the traditionally stupid thing and be friends. Because face it. I love him. More than he could ever imagine. And I know for a fact that he loves me too. We care for each other and need each other just as much as we did before, when we were together.
We walked for a long time last night (he broke up with me yesterday) and got out everything we've been needing to say. Really the only reason we broke up was because we both need to get our shit together. I just wish that we could have done it as a team like we do everything else.
He says that he is my life and he doesn't want it to be that way. He wants me to be more independent. He listed off all these things I need to do for myself. Like get a job and a car and be 18. All things that I CAN"T DO. It gets me really angry that all those things are the reason I'm alone right now.
I've been looking for a job since I finally got my permit a month or more ago. But becuase I live in the one state in the country with the shittiest economy and the least jobs available, I'm jobless. And poor. Which killed me when him and I were together becuase he always had to pay for things. When I did have money I spent it all on him. It was worth it. Worth his happiness.
But it wasn't enough. It will never be enough, I swear it won't.
I need to get out of this soul crushing house and live on my own. Even if it's in a cockroach infested apartment that may or may not have e coli growing in the darkest corners. I just need to get away.
I need so many things. A job. A car to get to said job. Money saved. A place of my own. All these things that are just out of reach.
It's so hard to keep a straight face and to deal with all this without anyone knowing I'm starting to sweat. All yesterday I had to struggle not to break down and scream and sob becuase I was just dumped by "the one".
And it's not like I'm one of those stupid teenage girl that thinks she found the one. I know I did. You just know these things. Him and I even talked about it. Though it was never said out loud, we both knew.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I really don't.