[Help Desk 101]'s diary

111223  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2008-02-01
Written: (5900 days ago)

on this bed i lay
holding back the demon
inside of me...
i tried through all the day
but tonight the barrier is broken...
opening things of the recent past
bleeding out from the wound...
releasing the demons from within
escaping only to return again
i try so hard but then...
it's wrong...
all wrong
all wrong...


crying...slowly dying...
bleeding...silently weeping...
cursed...rotten flesh bag...
unworthy...damned screwup...

i try oh so hard
but my dreams get smashed
everything i do or say
is never enough, always wrong
i feel that nothing matters

i'm falling, falling
but no one's there to catch me
i'm alone and drowning in my
river of plagues, so cursed
and this dismal feeling is worse

i'm losing my hope
holding on to a thread
and it is unraveling
and i am falling into
the dark abyss of my
ever growing self-destruction

everyone i know, i bring harm
and everything i've tried
it is nothing but wrong
alone i am meant to be
i only make things worse
that's all i've ever done

it was a dream but then
reality hit me
i've lost it all
everything i once knew
is no longer what it seems
don't know what to do
or what to say
don't know who to trust

existence in of itself
is a blessing, but for me
it's never been anything
but a curse
i'm tired of desperation
i'm tired of being tired

i looked in the mirror today
what i saw wasn't me
that's not what i am
it's not who i want to be
it can't be
it'll never be me

i'm losing myself in
all of my thoughts
cause i lost my human side
so long ago
nobody ever knew

my soul is bleeding
feeling the torment
hating the pain
wish it could end

i reap what i sow
all i receive is pain
i'm decaying in this shell
the demons in me have
deserted me.

everyone i thought i knew
they're all leaving me
shutting me out
nobody cares that i'm bleeding
and all i can feel is the sting
i'm worried and i'm crying

i can't go on
living this way
i'm losing my sight
my mind...
wish somebody could say
that i'm alright

this sweet despair
feeding my disease
my river of plagues
over and over it
breaks my heart
but i live on

i pick up the pieces
i repair myself again
like i have so many
times before

time and time again
it makes me want to go away
never to be found
so i can't hurt anyone else
i won't let it happen again
i'll never let it happen again...

107311  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-24
Written: (6000 days ago)

Teenage Heartbreak



Waiting in this suspenseful pain

I cry hidden tears in the rain

Wishing it was what it once had been

I thought I had it all but then...


Falling, breaking, shattering

Calling, painstaking, splattering


The blood of my soul floods from my eyes

Leaving my pillow wet with sobbing cries

It hurts to know that you're with him

My life suddenly seems so terribly grim


But I must keep on living my life

Suppress all of the sadness and strife

Keep family thinking that I'm alright

When in reality I hurt unfathomably at night


Bleeding, Crying, Hoping

Pleading, Trying, Moping


Plans of the future hanging on by a thread

Contemplating if I should move on instead

It brings my emotions to a win-lose conflict

Either way there is possible pain to inflict


I ponder if I should keep holding on

Or should I just leave at the break of dawn

My options are slowly seeping over the house fences

Hoping a night's sleep will bring me to my senses


Dreaming, Needing, Wanting

Screaming, Heeding, Haunting


Wake me up from this nightmare

I only wish that you would care

You and your actions hurt me

If you could just only see


Falling, Shattering, Crying

Calling, Clattering, Dying...


Chapters in life begin and end

And sometimes hearts are rend

Right out of a young man's chest

Sometimes he must learn to rest
106550  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-10-05
Written: (6019 days ago)

Heartbeat

Enshrouded in the darkness
The crimson runs down my face
I look around but find nothingness
Lost in a void of pure darkness
With only a light beaming down upon me
Moving with me everywhere I walk

Words echo into the empty continuum
FALLING! My hair rushes upward
Forever falling in this vast darkness
Calm comes over me, yet I still fall.
Suddenly I stop falling and am standing

A crimson light glows weakly in the blankness
I seemingly glide toward it as a vampire.
Each foot closer a heartbeat grows louder
Louder and louder in my mind it beats
I phase through the portal and find myself

Thud-thud
Thud-thud

Evergrowing is that beat that I hear
In the lushness of this forest I seek it
I run towards the sound that I desire
UMPH! Falling, rolling, tripped down a hill
Slowly I regain footing and I see the source

Thud-thud
Thud-thud

The heartbeat I hear made visible
I see her as she stands in the field
Beauty in mine eyes I have seen
My presence brings her eyes to mine
We approach each other, heartbeats distinct

We tell each other our journey we've done
We both heard each other's heartbeat
The beating of life within one another
Soon we shall know what is to come

106519  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-10-04
Written: (6020 days ago)

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''


When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.


A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.


Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''


The Teacher fainted.

106510  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-10-04
Written: (6020 days ago)
Next in thread: 106511, 106525, 106541

Love

Love
Sometimes It's all you want
To be loved
To have some to call yours

Such defiance it can cause
Ignores all logic
Causes irrational behavior
And may end friendships

The emotion it conjures
Makes you feel so good
Like it's the best thing ever
And you never want it to end

Love
Sometimes it's so terrible
You despise it
And end up losing hope

Such brokenness it can cause
Hurt beyond measure
Sometimes it's so bad
Lives end up being killed

It is a double-blade sword
Making compromise and taking risks
Even though it may not last
It is a chance you should take

Nothing compares to it
With it, much happiness arises
Loss of it, great sorrow is wrought
But it is a chance I'm willing to take.

106483  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-03
Written: (6021 days ago)

'Lost' Child

You think yourself right,
Yet you avoid me.
Run away at my sight.
What do you see?
Is it strange?
Are you scared?
Feelings beyond your range?
Emotionally Impaired?
Confused?
Feeling used, abused?
Desperately defused
before the love xplosion.
Detatched before
you're overrun with emotion.
You dislike what you don't understand.
You fear what you can't comprehend.
You avoid what is no longer known.
Suppress your conflicting thoughts
and emotions.
Hide them and forget them.
They'll only affect you later on.
The subcounscious will catch up
to you.

99770  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-05-23
Written: (6154 days ago)

"Nice guys finish last."

To every guy that regrets hurting or losing her.

To every guy who knows which girl he wants.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful." (instead of Damn ur hot!)

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that cried in front of her.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.

To every guy that would give his seat up.

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that gave his heart.

To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there...

If you are a nice guy repost this with "Nice guys finish last."

If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to acomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left"

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