Laptops, Elfpack, my Life, and School

Well first of all I am on the laptop at school, explains the title a bit, and I will be talking about my all important life. ^_^

So here's what is going on. MEGAN IS IN CALIFORNIA. Okay then, moving on, Nick and I seem to be doing just fine now, a little rough around the edges, but whatever, if you care to argue: KISS MY ASS! Okay so we've been going out for 2 months, 4 days. So I am happy.

Anyway..I'm boring the death out of my friend Amanda, whom is sitting right next to me, begging the all mighty Jesus, ME, to change the site to something she wants to see....so then moving on because I am selfish today.

ON TO THE SUBJECT OF ALEX:

Okay so here's what's going on with him. His girlfriends' names are Krissy and D. Well okay then, I asked him if he cared about me more than them and he told me I come first in his heart. Wow I wonder if he wishes that he would come first in mine, probably does. But to be honest, between Alex and Nick, I think Nick comes first. So yeah, Alex, sorry for your luck. I guess if he hadn't of dumped me then he would still be the number one person in my life.

Anyway...moving on. I am going to meet Nick's family Christmas Eve and possibly Christmas Day.. So who knows how that is going to go. I guess I have to act very, very preppy and nice and innocent. (Although is there a girl who is innocent, sweet, nice, and preppy who has a boyfriend with a lip ring and tongue piercing? No.) And yes, now he has his tongue pierced. It's funny, he talks wierd since he got it done on the 3rd.

You should all go to http://illwillpress.com and http://missmab.com

Well I just found out that the school commputer will let me on Elftown, like it's not supposed to. SO THE ALMIGHTY GODDESS CALLED JESUS IS OFF TO ELFTOWN. Bye I love you.

BLAH!

Okay so here's what is going on now in my little wierd ass life that no one really cares about anytway! Nick is suspended because he got into a fight with Megan. He is grounded cause he got suspended. So yeah that is annoying.

MEGAN IS MOVING TO CALIFORNIA!! W00T!

[L V F] is being an asshole. He keeps threatening to kill himself. Which is so stupid. So if you know him, slap him for me! Oh yes and by the way Dawn, he says he isn't good enough for you, that he annoys you too much.

Hmm my grades are like in the fucking toillet right now. I have a D+, D-, and a F. So there is a good possibility that in 6 weeks I will be gone for 3 weeks until I get another midterm.

Okay then moving on.

NICK AND I HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A MONTH AND 6 DAYS!!

Alex seems to be settled in with his new girlfriends. I forget their names, but whatever. I was suprised he didn't yell at me for going out with Nick. But I guess that shows how scared I was about his disapointment at the time.

OH WELL MOVING ON, AWAY FROM ALEX!!

I can't think of anything else to say.


I LOVE NICK....goodnight.

Coming Out

I'm done acting like something I don't want to be. So here I am going to state very clearly exactly what I believe and what I am.

1) I am bisexual
2) I am Pagan
3) I am a Neo-Nazi, take it or leave it
4) I HATE EMO FUCKS!! All of you are pathedic, learn diversity and individuality.
5) I HATE BUSH!

Thank you very much....you may now move on with your day.

What Seems like Forever

It's been nearly three weeks of chaos with Megan. She still won't back down..she still thinks Nick will go back out with her. He clearly said, "I'm so tired of this. I'm about to go up to her during Culinary and slit her throat."
So you can tell, it's getting old.

Anyway, tommorow (Saturday) it will be 2 weeks with Nick. It feels like it's been forever....goddess I'm just so happy it's going good so far.

Making it Known

I'm withdrawing myself from [L V F] right now. So you know waht ever. I am with Nick, and if I am not with Nick, I will be with Alex. So you can all get off your high fucking horses.

Displaying Depression

I call [L V F] and what does he say, "I'm sorry can I call you back?" No, of course not. And he says "You never call me and your always on the phone. You know what ever... I give up.

The Boy

"And here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, but, my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles. Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it." -Breathe (2 A.M.) Anna Nalick

It reminds me of Nick.

Confused

I have no clue how to say to Alex that I have a serious boyfriend now. I really don't. I am so happy with Nick, but you know that sick loyalty for someone doesn't just go away so quickly. And so I am constantly wondering how to tell Alex when I next talk to him.

Hope for the Future

Nick went back to her, but she hurt him physically the first day they were back together. Nick and Megan got into it. And she scratched him on the neck and made him bleed. So Nick and I are back together. We had a great day yesterday. We were together from 11:50 am till 10:45 pm...Like 11 hours basically. We went to the mall and Scent of Sage. And we hung out and read at Books-A-Million. I am so happy with him. And tommorow I am meeting his mother!

"If love is a labor I will slave till the end" -Swing Life Away By Rise Against.

I love him and we don't really have any plans for the future, yet. Except for the possibility of going to prom together next month. That is if he has enough money. ^^ So I may be buying a prom dress soon! ^^ Anyway..That is what's going on. Love you All!

Say Hello to Change and Your Friends: Deppression and Insomnia

I feel empty inside. I have never felt the way I feel with Nick with anyone else. I love him, wouldn't leave him for Alex. If you read down further, you will undestand why this is truelly incredible. But he doesn't love me, he loves Megan, his ex-fiance. He says he knows she is the wrong choice, but he knows that if he doesn't leave me now for her, he will leave me later, and risk hurting me more.

Everytime she hurts him, I pick up the pieces. And it hurts to constantly know that if he goes back, he will be getting hurt again. And it hurts to know that he chooses her over me. And not because he knows she's better. Because he loves her. I understand it, but god when I see the tears in his eyes, and I know he's about to break down, I break down also and tears flow uncontrolabley. And I've cried for hours for him. I can't even cry anymore. I've drained myself and I'm sure I'm dehydrated now.

And if he goes back, I can't hardly do anything to help. And I'm afraid if he goes back to her, that we will fall further into this mess. And it's just kinda scarey cause I'm so depressed. I don't want to loose him. But I would understand if she was good for him, but she's not. I told him to do what was best for him and that I would support it, but I can't support him going back to get hurt. And I know his eyes will long for me from where ever he stands if I am around. And I'll have longing eyes, but I won't be able to do anything because he won't be mine. And I might never feel this way again...and I love him.

Friday Night Let Down

I have new girlfriend, Nikki. I don't think it will work out. I miss Alex, well the old Alex. But I settle with watching Nikki make out with everyone else.

" It seems like so long ago that he said he couldn't be with me. And if it seems so long ago, then shouldn't I be over it? They say that time heals all wounds, but I'm starting to think it only creates more."

And they say that you only have half the time of the relationship to get over the person who broke your heart.

Problems
Due to some recent problems in my life I am going to be going to the hospital for a while. I will be back within a week. Sorry for this, but I need to keep myself safe.

Sarcastic
Well I will be back in 4 days, hopefully. Gee, that's a LONG time between now and when I will officially be back, huh!? Anyway. I came on just for a little check in. I may be back on the 7th, or may not depending on if my mom remembers she's supposed to ground me. She tends to forget!

So if you miss me, WRITE ME! Or if you want, try to reach me on the astral plain, can't garantee you'll get to me because I've only reached it once. ^^ But if you don't do either of those two lovely ideas, try to intrude in on one of my dreams. My sleeping pattern has changed anyway, so good luck trying to catch me sleeping! Cause I now sleep usually between 1-10am.

Leaving Time
Well as you all know, today is the day I am leaving. So I am going to be with my Mama, and I am hoping my laundry gets done in time. I may be on a little, I am not sure, and if I am, I will probably be on for how ever long my Mama's work shift is. (probably between 3 and half hours to 4)

A Break
I will be gone from the 29th of July till the 7th of Augest. I doubt I will get on much in that time.

Phone Problems
My phone service is currently not working, for what reason I don't know. I should have this fixed by tommorow, but until then, I have no internet service at my house. So if I am on for a short time it is most likely because I am at the library in my town. So when every my phone service is working again, I will have my internet back up.

Love you All Lots!
[shardae le fae]

Sacrificial Religion

Sacrificial Religion

I’d look to the light,
But it’s tearing me apart,
Luminous rays cut my skin,
But only the eyes of the forgotten
Can see these wounds that bleed so perfectly,
They gather around and say they relate,
But the light turned them away
And chose me as it’s sacrifice,
So as I wish that by turning way,
that it’ll only go away,
I become lost in the bleeding,
And I know the shame
Of being sacrificed for a belief
That was never my own.

AJ and My Poetic Ability

Well here are two poems about Aj.

1. Untitled

Her emotions
for him, did not
meet the line of the pages,
she knew it was not love, not
this time, he was different, so was
she, nothing was the same, but the past,
so now she wishes she could turn back time
even for just an hour, to be held again by him in
the comfort of his arms, now she knows she would
feel alien within the arms of the one she once loved.

2. Untiltled

She drowned her feelings
for him
in the Nile on the other side
of the world.
She turned her back
and walked her way
back home.
She nearly forgot
all her memories of him.
She forgot one
realization to this world,
reincarnation.
so her feeling for him
crept back up
into her heart and soul,
but she knew
he would never feel
the same way about her
again.
for his emotions
died and
would stay that way.

Tell me what you think!

My Horrible, Fucking Birthday

My birthday has hardly started. I've been fifteen for seven hours and four minutes. It's only a day though, I guess. My whole birthday party and birthday was ruined. I had only two people come to it. One stay the night.

Then my lovely step-father leaves with the only phone we have for long distance. And comes home after possibly cheating on my mom and gets into this huge argument with her. And then apologizes for making me hear my mom's "problems with him" being yelled out between the two.

God.