Wrote a new poem about a week ago, I was in a dark place at the time. I take it hard when my friends don't talk to me. I start to think they no longer like me and then I fall into a slump of saddness filled with self hate. I blame myself for the lost of my friendships, even though half the time I did nothing wrong to cause that lose. I go around in a sort of daze, but no one even notices. I guess I have become so good at hiding my feelings from those that I love that I forget to tell them when I am feeling down. I am so use to being alone, that I find it hard to tell them how I feel. Something that I really must work hard on, remembering that I have someone that I can turn to and count on when I am down.

   My house is full of sadness. I can't stop my tears from flowing, they seem to have taken a life of there own. My head feels hallow, my eyes are red and blotchy, my nose is stuffed and my heart aches. When will it all end, this sorrow that fills my soul. I am so tired.

   Came on to discover that my very good and dear friend [pumpkin king] passed away on sunday January 15, 2006. Jon, his given name, was 29 years old. He had a bad heart, it finally gave out. He was a musican and a very good one. He could draw and he could write, he was gifted in many ways. He was kind and loving and was a good and true friend to me. I will never forget him for as long as I live. 
   Its weird to me that he is gone, cause I spoke to him last on Sunday. He told me of his new band and how he was happy to play. We kidded about it being a punk band, when he was a Rocker, but he said it was music and all music is good. I agreed with him and wished him luck. We spoke about one day him coming here and visiting. 
   Jon, I hope that wherever you are, you are happy and hopefully playing your music. I look forward to meeting you again in our next life. 

  Missing you already. With all my love, Shay

   They buried my Mom today, next to Dad at the Vet's Cemetery in New Jersey. I pray that she is at peace and happy. 
   Mom, we sang and we danced for you, just like you wanted. From our living room here, we reached out to you and were with you spiritually. I know that you are in a better place and that you are no longer in pain. I hope you are with your one true love, even though you are far away. With all my Love, Now and Forever, Rest In Peace Josie.

   Don't understand my sister's, thats my Oldest sister and my younger sister, both fighting for the little possision that once belonged to my mom. I never knew what greed was until I heard the things they did. God how aweful, how sad that they came to this. What is sad is not that they took her stuff, but that they did it while she laid in her death bed. I am ashamed to call them my sister's, they have no honor.

   My mom is at peace now, she passed at 1:55 pm. She did not wake back up this time. Love you Mom.

7:35 am, so far no news. Going to get some sleep.

  6:20 AM, so far not a word from My kid sister. Thats good, means my Mom is still alive. They say no news is good news, hope it is true.

My Mom's alive, she started breathing on her own.

   Mom passed at 2:12 AM

   Mom's heart stopped twice, they revived her, but its not good. The decision not to revive her if she goes under again is being made. Mom always said that if she had to live her life attached to tubes that she would prefer if we let her go. It is sad, but letting her go will stop her pain and agony.

   She has gotten worst, my kid sister says she doesn't look like our mom any more. She says that she is swollen. She said that mom fought, she didn't want them to do that to her. They are going to clean her blood, but her heart is weak so they keep trying to stabilize her. They had to put her on a resperatior, and they tied her down. How sad is that, they should just let her go out with some dignity. Thats the least she is owed for the life she lived. I believe there is nothing the doctors can do for her. I believe her life is in God's hands. Let it be his will. 
   I love you mom, I am sorry I live so far away from you. I am sorry I do not have the courage to see you in your death bed. I am sorry for all the times I did not say I love you, when I could have. I am sorry that you are dying.
   I love you mom. I am glad that you were my mother, even though we had a rocky start. I am glad that you loved me unconditianly. I am proud to have been your daughter. I am proude to have called you mom.
   I hope you make it through this. I hope we can spend another Thanksgiving together. I love you MOM.
 

My mom is dying. Her kidney's are failing and she needs a liver transplant. My kid sister is beside herself, my brother has choosen to wait until he knows for sure. Me I am waiting too. I hope she doesn't suffer. I pray that it is quick for her. I don't want her to hurt.

I'm not used to writing what I feel for the public to read, but sometimes strangers are the only ones who listen. I get up everyday, look around and wonder why am I here. I'm a long way from where I was a year ago and yet it seems that true happiness eludes me. I close my eyes and wish it away, but when I open them again, nothing has changed. My room is still the same, the girl in the mirror staring back at me is still me. I want to wipe her tears away, I reach out but all I touch is cold glass and the tears they just keep falling. I want to run away, but where do I run when there is no place to escape my own mind. I feel trapped in this shell that houses my soul, wondering if I will ever be truly free to soar and become all that I can truly be.