[pumpkin king]'s diary
i have been back and forth from hell and earth for several times. but the worst thing of it all was it's when that time i decided to live and to love..... even not having the love back from the one i love.... death tried to taek me away. only my heart decided to stay alive even if it was suffering in pain and excitement.
last December 31, 2005 i almost die. it was my own irresponsibili
imagine, working 4 jobs and sleeping for 2 hours a day. smoking almost a couple of packs of sigarettes never saying anything to anybody that i have a physical problem. that was the biggest mistake that i've ever done.
i dont know how long will i be here but i'll try to be in any cost to live and love for somebody taht i always treasure since the very start that i met her.
i made some songs, and writting something to remember all the best days that i cherished with her presence in my life.
hush now my love.
you dont have to worry about anything.
i'll make things for the better.
you can count on me.
<3
Written about Thursday 2005-12-22
Written: (6696 days ago)
i just need to sleep.
a long one.
where i can put my mind to rest.
where i can find serenity.
where i can feel
where i can see
i just need to sleep and mustn't be disturbed.
Written about Wednesday 2005-12-21
Written: (6697 days ago)
hb
a shock.... like it hit the electrodes in my head. a feeling similar to a cold chill that gives you goosebumps, ...like a sandpaper passes by my whole body. a sense of oppression... like my heart is being compressed by bare hands. .....and in that moment.....
the time for me has stopped.
i can not stop thinking about that woman. my love my life my fantasies
i was talking to my "broken-hearte
after that, i was awake all night writting this one. linking all those things he said like "drowning"
left
the harder i try to swim away
the deeper i sink the faster i drown
the more i try not to think of you
the more you haunt me even in my sleep
i'm buried up my neck
i'm running out of air
i know you can hear me
i know you can see
she flew far away
not wanting to look back
dying to forget
killing what is left while i'm...
here (still)
lying on the sand (still)
waiting for my time (still)
with you floating in my mind...
here buried in the sand
waiting for your hand...
she denied me again such
happiness at my expense
she traded me for pride
i'm living the consequence and i'm...
here (still)
lying on the sand (still)
waiting for my time (still)
with you floating in my mind...
here buried in the sand waiting for your hand...
tired and thirsty of the journey through the desert
we dived into it as if it was oasis
but was just a vague mirage
a shaded portion of a big collage
another sabotage by life
so i pawned some of my joys
so i could pay for some of my debts
that haunt me everyday
not realizing that pawning is
synonymous to strapping a ball n' chain on to my leg
while swimming away from sharks
i once got out but now i guess i'm stuck
i'm here to dwell, waiting to be one with the sand...
the harder i try to swim away,
the deeper i sink the faster i drown
the more i try not to think of you,
the more you haunt me even in my sleep
i'm buried up my neck
i'm running out of air
you know you can save me,
but why did you leave?
here (still)
lying on the sand (still)
waiting for my time (still)
with you floating in my mind...
here buried in the sand waiting for your hand...
trapped in a room filled with silence.
the only thing i hear is my pencil, and pen running through this white piece of paper.
every line i make, recalls a memory. a memory of happy things. things that happened not long ago.
those're the most wonderful day of my life.
i made this image of her.... although not identical to her physical aspect, she is her the way i see her that night.
calm and serene
Written about Saturday 2005-12-10
Written: (6708 days ago)
once more, i was counting the ants passing by. the last time i did that was.... like 10 years ago. i know, seems like a looney or something.
well, every person have their own way of expressing their lonelyness in some way.
i wonder. i always wonder why?
maybe because i was alone all the time.
i was searching everywhere.
i was running away from something i am really afraid of.....
....but keep on searching for it.
now, that i found it. i decided to accept it with arms wide open. then feel the truth that it is there all the time that i will never run anymore and will never leave.
it was LOVE i am looking for. the one that i love, miles away from me, over the seas, and mountains, and desert, and cities.
only time can tell when we can be together.
hope almost abandoned me...... again. it was like hanging on the tip of it's finger struggling to return within me and tell that "it will be okay, Jon".
my promises. this things that i will NEVER ever break.
happiness, the thing i want to share with the only woman that i love.
and all the love that i will give and share with her forevermore.
I LOVE YOU
Written about Wednesday 2005-12-07
Written: (6711 days ago)
1,2 all i got is a semi-automatic smile
oh shit i gotta get high
act now if you know who you are
you'll be lookin' at the picture
just to see you're a star
the invisible! the great! the incredible!
you talk too much
you talk about unspeakable
stop the lies, never act surprised, "what?!"
you run away never pay the price
so, you pull me down to get you high
'cause the sun won't shine for you to fly
'cause i don't know now so don't you try
so, hide yourself and you deny
come on, got to get it on
i'm steppin' on the zone, i don't want to be alone
and i exercise my right to not give up the fight
tonight is the night i wanna bring you to the light
so speaking kinda easy
losing your mind, you're goin' crazy
i'm bringing it back, holding it back
all you need is to react
do you really wanna feel me
everytime you try to hurt me
i'm walking away, flying away
find myself another day
so, tell me what you feel
tell me what is real
tell me what's the deal
with the pain you try to heal
so, do you really care?
is this really fair?
better beware
throw your hands in the air
One! maybe you can shine like the sun
Two! take everything that is for you
Three! open your eyes if you wanna see
Four! check the mic and check the score
Five! use your heart and try to survive
Six! do you wanna die with crucifix
Seven! your sins will be unforgiven
even if you know how to stop from breathing
3,4 i better get some more
my house is your house, never shut the door
and all the people in the place
who really want to rock with me
we will never ever stop until the next century
i'm free, and don't you wanna stay with me
i'll be the worst thing that you'll ever see
so, let it be, and let me see the real me
i will try to take you if you wanna bounce with me
you crucify and then you lie
'cause you don't see the crime, you testify
i talk to you, you don't reply
stop dreaming now, open your eyes
i never wanna take it, all i wanna do is break it
i'm so sick of you, all i wanna do is fake it
so, forget it, i never wanna think about it
i spit. i quit. i never wanna hear it.
i
prefer
a shotgun
straight
in
the
head
or i might do that myself
i feel like the arrow is wearing off.
Written about Monday 2005-11-28
Written: (6720 days ago)
depression makes it worst... but inspiring at the same time.
just wrote another song and maybe after teaching tonight i'll just hop by the studio to do some recordings.
yes! i'll make it another song for the homogoblins.
gotta see if all of them can attend to the jam session.
right now, i'm preapring all the music notes and the drum beat so that we can finish it as soon as possible.
let's hope it will not take long like the You Are My Bliss song.
let's hope for a good result.
i'm not feeling well.
it's been about a week that i have this frickin head-ache.
the medication (i HATE meds) taht my doctor gave doesn't work anymore.
i need an axe to open up this skull to figure out what's wrong...or cutting it should be the best idea.
*hits head on the keyboard* there it goes again. >.<
i can't stand it. gotta kill the pain!
is it unfair
would you be aware
if i might
catch you in a stare
now tell me if it's okay
if i walk past your door today
i'm runnin out of happy things to say
but i don't need a funny line
'coz nobody laughs at a castle
that's crawling down
with ev'ry word you
ev'ry game you
ev'ry hate
come on now tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down?
you got your coat and tie
and you're lookin so cool
in front of the tv camera
all that just to tell us we'll be gone
now tell me is it all okay
if i tell you you're fuckin gay
don't anyone have a happy thing to say
but i don't need a funny line
'coz nobody laughs at a castle
that's crumbling down
with ev'ry word you
ev'ry game you
ev'ry hate
come on now tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down?
kill me a little
kill me a little every day
is it unfair (is it unfair)
to be aware (come on kill me)
if i might ever catch you in a stare
but i don't need a funny line
'coz nobody laughs at my castle
that crumbles down
with ev'ry word you
ev'ry game you
ev'ry hate
come on now tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down
why don't you tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down