http://elftown.lysator.liu.se/_Dela's%20Book%20Sale < GO THERE NOW!!!

Girl Friend 1.0

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflict and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, its software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade!

YEP! I'm trailer thash. My family in red.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

[Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."]

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

[Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"]

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

[You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."]

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

[You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.]

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced: "The feud is back on!"

Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

*The Poopie List*

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

I found this pretty funny :)


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my woman and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to
think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a
loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Is it a sin to tell a nun "I hope you get hit by a bus"?

{When I first saw you it took my breath away.
When I talked to you I was scared to fall for you.
When I talked to you I fell for you.
Now I'm scared to lose you! I }

-To every girl that dresses cute not skanky

-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.

-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.

-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead.

-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.

-To every girl that wont settle for the jerk.

-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.

-To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.

-To every girl that wont get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.

-To every girl that just wants to HOLD HANDS.

-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.

-To every girl who just wishes he cared.

-To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.

-To every girl who just wants him to call

- to every girl who wastes her day waiting by the phone.

-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.

-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.

-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times or so badly.

-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.

-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.

-To every girl that believes in her dreams.

-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve those dreams.

-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.

-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.

-To every girl that has been cheated on cuz shes not a whore who gives it up to any guy.

-To every girl that doesnt want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.

-To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.

- To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.

**To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face.**

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.

The difference between friends and best friends.

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.


FRIENDS: Calls your parents by Mr. and Mrs.
BEST FRIENDS: Calls your parents DAD and MOM


FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin
"We fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"


FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.


FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."


FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...


FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.


FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"


FRIENDS: Are only through highschool.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don't waste."


FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this shit

~ great joke~

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, so the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% !


and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

As I've Matured... (Me Mature? That's a laugh)

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in... < You can stalk people are you want it is really fun. Some try to play game's with you like having the cop's tell you to leave them alone, But that just show's how much they really want you.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. < Are you a blanket thieth? I know I am.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. < I have been a jackass to a very close friend. And I'm sorry Sarah.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. < I know I'm more screwed up then any of you are.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. < I don't do depression. All I have is anger.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. < Can I take off what you'r wearing?

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. < Is that true? I would'nt know...

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. < Everyone know's that.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. < Yes I do. Do you suffer from it or enjoy it?

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. < Why is that true?

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. < That's me down to the letter.