Yeah, wonderful thanksgiving so far. I went to bed late last night and started crying. I had found the homecoming picture of Mark and I. Why do I miss him so much? It's over ,I know it is but I can't get him out of my head. It's not fair. I don't know what else to do. And again I ask you, as well as him, where do I go from here?

ICONS FOR TODAY

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SONG OF THE DAY
98 degrees' My Everything
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SAYING OF THE DAY
"I'll keep you my dirty little secrets,
don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret"

okay, no more. I have lost faith. There is no such thing as love for me anymore. This guy asked me out and I said no. Not becauseI didnt like him but because he didnt match up to Mark. I can't believe I let myself get so attached to someone. I fucked myself over big time. And now where do I go from here?

ICONS FOR TODAY

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SONG OF THE DAY
Simple Plan's Untitled
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SAYING OF THE DAY
"I'm sorry I can't be perfect..."

yes yes yes I have changed my name on here... It's one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite Green Day songs, Minority! Likes it everyone??

Well my birthday just passed last monday and I am now LEGAL! XD XD XD
yes thats right I'm 16! I am so happy, I gots my ears peirced and a new look for my room and a new hair do! w00t-tang mothafucka! HAHA

This is too hard... how can I keep this up? I can't pretend I don't love Mark, but I kind of have to... I can't walk past him at school without having to run to the bathroom and cry. I was late for 2 classes today because I was crying and couldnt go... This hurts too much. I love him, I'll admit it. I think this is the worst feeling, is when you love someone and know they don't love you, and the reason they don't is because you fucked up. I don't want this feeling. It is too much. But I'm not doing anything stupid. All my buds on here know so I feel safe saying that I am getting a "doctor" ((as my mum puts it)) so I can stop the cutting. I haven't since that one day last week and I am working on a more constructive outlet. I hope this will show Mark that I love him and I will do or stop doing anything for him. I can't see myself going out with anyone else right now or for a long while. I just want him... simple as that...

ICONS FOR TODAY!
 
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SONG OF THE DAY
Simple Plan's Untitled
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SAYING OF THE DAY
"I'm sorry I can't be perfect..."

Well, I guess if Mark won't give me another chance as a girl friend... I'll just have to be his friend. We have said it would be cool if we were friends and I promised that I wouldn't try anything funny. It's going to be hard once he gets a new girl... It's going to hurt everytime I see him with her, but I have to accept that he is happy and that's all I ever wanted for him. I know there is a very VERY slim chance that me and him would ever go out again but maybe I could prove that I can change and that what I did is over...But I'm not going to force or pressure him... I'll just hope he gives out second chances once he sees changes... but like I said, no matter what, I still love him. My mom asked me who my next b/f is going to be and I told her point blank, I don't want to go out with anyone else, and when she asked why, I said "Because, after Mark, no one will match up. I don't want to be with another ass hole who wants sex... I want someone... like Mark. But there is only one of him, and that is himself. I am not giving up."

And I just got informed last night at like midnight, that I now work on sundays, which sucks. Sundays are recovery day! LoL no I'm just messin, I dont drink anymore, but still....SUNDAYS? My rents are doing real bad with money problems that they have to open on sundays and bring me in to work for free...guess what... I don't do free! LoL

I'm actually real hyper today and after work I am so going over to Dan's house. I got him addicted to Tony Hawk Under Ground 2! SHWEET! ^_^

ICONS FOR TODAY!

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SONG OF THE DAY
Grand theift autumn  by: Fall Out Boy
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SAYING OF THE DAY
"Stab my back it's better when I bleed for you..."

I have made a new wiki in light of recent events
hopeless romantics
it seems to fit me at the moment...
T_T

song for the day:::::::

He left... Mark's gone and I can't fix it... I still love him... But he left. T_T




I don't care what happens, Mark--

I dont know what to do about this. Me and Mark are really distant lately. He has been avoiding me in school it seems like and he never talks to me longer than like 2 minutes. He nevers calls and when I call him to see if he wants to hang out, he is either hanging out with other people or not wanting to talk at all. How am I supposed to see whats wrong and how to fix it if he doesnt talk to me. It is scaring me...it seems like he doesnt want to go out with me anymore...that is the last thing I want him to feel but he doesnt seem to want to share his feelings. Please Gods don't let that be how he feels.
T_T

Well the swim meet went well! I came in 5th out of 6th which isnt excellent but its my best time in that event. I went to Curtis' veiwing and funeral. It was so hard to get through. I'm so worried about Mark though. He was closer to Curtis than I was and he is taking it hard. I actually heard him crying, I have NEVER heard, seen, or heard of him ever crying. I broke down when I heard him crying over the phone. I hung up and just starting bawling. My bud Dan had to comfort me, I was shaking so hard. Mark says not to worry about him, that he's not important enough to worry about or whatever. But guess what Mark, I love you and I do worry about you. If I didn't than what would that say about this relationship? I am very worried about you and I dont want either of us to do anything...Stupid. Please call me as soon as you can... I really want to see you baby!
[ **kiss** ]

Today was a hard day to get through. Me and my b/f, Mark, weer very upset over the whole Curtis thing today and we were both crying ((Shhhh...he probably doesn't want people to know he does that)) and we were comforting eachother over it and... yeah it was just hard. I still hate that people actually made fun of him for wearing a helmet and I know this all could have been provented if he had been wearing one.
I am so stressed, sore, deppressed, worried about Mark, and upset.
I have a swim meet tomorrow (( -_-* )) I am swimming 200 IM and I am dedicating the swim to Curtis!
I WILL SWIM EXTRA HARD FOR YOU, CURTIS!!

For those of you who have known me for a while, you will remember Jeff Kuhn, my friend who died in a car crach last year. Well I am sad to report that I am going through it again, not even a whole year later.

R.I.P. CURTIS PYTELL

He was riding his bike to school and got hit by a car. If he was wearing a helmet it could have saved him but people made fun of him, so he stopped wearing a helmet. I told him once to forget what other people say but he refused to wear a helmet all the same. Now he has passed away, and he could still be here if shallow bastards would have never made fun of him for being smarter than them and wore the proper protective gear. I hope they feel like shit for what they did and I fully blame them!
T_T
T_T

[Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?]
Boy: No
[Girl: Do you like me?]
Boy: Not really
[Girl: Do you want me?]
Boy: No
[Girl: Would you cry if I left?]
Boy: No
[Girl: Would you live for me?]
Boy: No
[Girl: Would you do anything for me?]
Boy: No way
[Girl: What would you choose: your life..or me?]
Boy: My life
[*The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...*]
Boy: The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life!


awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

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Well I'm still upset about my shoulder but today is better! I am realy hyper-happy today and I cant wait till my b/f AKA [hidoughzo] gets up! Its out 1 month today and I'm chillin at his house! He makes me feel so right when I'm with him, like I'm safe and no one can hurt me. Like he'll be there no matter what forces try to bring up apart, nothing will suceed! I can't believe this! I have never felt this safe and loved and protected before with anyone. Mark, you make my life complete and I don't kow how you did it but I can't live without you. And no matter how much we will fight or argue or disagree, you still treat me like a human and make me feel like I finally found where I belong! I love you baby, I always will!
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"Cause no matter what anyone says, we were meant to be"
                      ~Mark Murphy

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
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I hate my life...hate it hate it with a passion. The only good thing/person in my life right now is my boyfriend, Mark. My shoulder has been bothering me sooo much lately (and for those of you who don't know I'm on the swim team, so my shoulder hurting is very, VERY bad) So my rents want me to take the week off of practice and maybe stop swimming for the rest of the season. They say at least stop doing fly (butterfly stroke) for the rest of the season but I can't. Swimming is all I have. I have nothing else to channel my anger through. The swim team is everything to me and I am really getting put in a bunch of sweet events now and coach really thinks I could be captian my senior year, but not if I can't go to practices. I need to swim. It's what I do and I have to do it but people are stopping me. I hate it when I have no control over what is happening in my life. People are making decions for me and telling me what to do. I hate that. I can't stop, I NEED to swim. How can they tell me I can't? Coach says I'm the second best butterflier on the team but it'll slip if I dont practice. I HATE SHIT LIKE THIS!!!

NEW BOYFRIEND!
omg i am so happy i found out Mark likes me! It's the cutiest way he asked me too! Ok it's corny but so cute! ^_^

We are walking down the hall today at school and he asks me when we can hang out and i told him not today cause i have a swim meet after school and so he says "Well this isn't the way I wanted to do it but..." and he pulls out a fifty-cent bubble gum mechine ring in one of those plastic bubble cases, you know the ones. And he grabs my hand and stops walking, looks me right in the eyes and lovingly says with a cute little grin "Will you go out with me?" I smiled so big it took me a second to answer and I said "Of course!"

tell me that is not the cutiest little thing ever?! He says that his original plan was to get down on one knee at lunch tooday and ask me but we didnt have the same lunch today so it didnt work out. but i still think its adorable!!!

I lost a friend last weekend.
His name was Jeffrey A. Kuhn and I loved him as a friend and now he's gone. They were driving on I-75 (Michigan) and a man in a pick up truck crossed over the median and hit Jeff's Jeep. Jeff was not driving, but another man Dave was who died on impact, and so did the driver in the pick up truck. The other passenger, Danielle, is still in acoma and is not aware of either Dave or Jeff's death, but her and Dave were dating for a while now. Jeff was able t ocrawl out of the crunched Jeep but then the car exploded and a huge cguck of scrap metal hit him in the head and he was rushed to the hospital where he went into acoma. This was last Saturday, April 30, 2005. On Sunday, May 1, 2005, Jeff was anounced dead after his brain stopped and he lost sever blood flow. His parents donated all his organs and he died early that morning.

If i am not on much...This is why
I am in serious mourning!