[psychoflea]'s diary

45416  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-12-10
Written: (6705 days ago)

Me and Shannon Broke up. It seems we where on the wrong page. I was looking for a long term relationship and a serious one... but there where feelings that where not the same. Oh well.

Seems i can't even listen to my own advice. The little salvation that i had, i couldn't keep it even in moderation...and i lost it. Now here comes back the memories that hunted me.

44800  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-12-05
Written: (6710 days ago)

So yeah, I have been working my ass off. And my girlfriend works too. By the time we get off work, we are extreamly tierd. i have not seen her in a few days and it makes me sad. Its all good though, I'll see her later today! YAY! And I'm going to see her in a Choir Concert. Holy crap, she has such a beautiful voice!

  Oh shit... I haven't writting in this thing for a long ass time. I am more on myspace and writing in my blog more then going on here. I'm going to start getting on here more so that i can help with a Wiki page.

  So on with me life... lets see umm.. have a girlfriend now, My sister is in california with that Husband beater. I will kick his ass when they get back into waco... if they do. My ThanksGiving was crappy. My family that comes down every thanksgiving didn't come because my cusin was supose to go into rehab but signed himself out of the hospital and went off into the streets. He use to weigh more than me by like 30 pounds, now he weighs less then me. Now i can bully him around, and he can't do shit!
 Oh, so my ex-girlfriend was dating that army guy for like 4 months, and they were already talking about getting married... for some reason.. i took it real well... i thought it was very hypocritical of her because she was spazing out over one of her friends getting Married only knowning the guy for a couple of months. The new news on that is that they broke up. Casey text messaged me saying i was right, and that she played him. I tryed to warn him that she had a shallow heart. Anyone that jumping into a relationship right after geting out of a two year one has one...
  It worried me so much about them going out. I was stressing over it. Now if she gets another boyfriend, i woudl be cool with it. Man over the past 5 months, i've made some ass kicking mistakes. I burned so many bridges; fucked up so meany things. I hope i can build some of them back. I need to apologise to some people, but some of those people are not very forgiving. That hurts to know people won't forgive you. For god sakes, i'm only 19! First time i felt heart brake. First time to fall in love... they need to understand the sistuation.

  Anyways, So my new girlfriend; she is great. She is beautiful, she sings, oh man she can sing, beautiful blue eyes, short hair, short period, She came out of a big relationship just like me, and she has some of the same feelings and morals as i do about relationships. She has such a better grasp on love then most people i know. She doesn't just throw the love word around. I know she means it when she does. One of the reasons why is because she hasn't said it to me. She has such a huge Heart. Even though she has been backstabed a few times from people she cared about, she still stands by her friends. She would go threw hell and back for them. Oh and another big thing, She totally understands that there is nothing to do in waco! Alot of times, the best thing to do is just chill at my place and watch Tv or play video games. OMG, she loves the Sims, so i let her jump on my xbox and play some Sims and i let her borrow my Sims 2 game for PC.
  The bad... Well she really hates this country and this government. She wants to move to canada. She thinks that place is the greatest place on earth. You see, I'm A Marine, I love this country. I have patriotism. Like i know there are thinks wrong with this fucked up country but its a better place to live then most countries on this planet. And i know that there are alot of countries that are trying to be like the US. Also she smokes... Its not that bad.. but I told myself that i would quit when i moved on and found someone new. She thinks shes getting Fat... yes, she has a big ass, but so??? There is NOTHING WRONG with that. But the good in that is we go out and jog around and work out. That is something my ex would never do. I got Heather to go out running once.

  Well i guess that is about it for my life as of right now. Myspace i think is better so you could totally catch me on there more often then not.

39744  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-10-24
Written: (6751 days ago)
Next in thread: 39755

On june 1st 2006, I'm going to iraq

38703  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-10-14
Written: (6762 days ago)

I'm here... Fighting each day is killing me. Memories haunt me. They are no longer good. Anger fills my blood and burns my heart. But there is someone by my side. She is helping me and understands my pain and sorrow. I can tell there is a slight bond between us... I don't know if i should go all out and try to get her because i don't want to fall inlove again. That is my weakness. Falling in love. Its hard to let go. I have lost way to meany people in my life.
  Oh man. I need a cigarette. For you people that dont know... i smoke. yes, it is the only way to chill down when there are no friends to help... or there are none to be found. To explain myself more because i know some of you are like "WTF mate?" I know, i was always telling you to stop smoking because it was bad for your health, but since i can't smoke pot because i'm in the Marine Corp, then I need to find some other thing... that i can do... so i smoke cigarettes and because i dont' have anyone to spend my money on anymore... at least what little i have, I spend it on myself now and friends...and the random dates that i go on with other baylor chick.

On that subject... HOLY CRAP! They are so freaking hot! And some of them are really cool. I thought all of them where posers and preps but damn, some of them are laided back in what they want and what they think. Its cool. And they have a blast when they are with me. Some of them i can tell they really like me but don't know how to flirt with me because of they know that i'm still... in pain.

Marine Corp: Good shit. I'm so glad i didnt' Join the Army. But i'm not liking the reservest thing. I was only reservest because i wanted to say here in waco with some loved ones... now... the loved one is gone out of my heart and i can put full dedication in the corp.

well, I need to go. Hope everyone is having a good time at the fair with there friends and other special people.
Hannah, Your welcome for letting me ride on the Power with you.

37212  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-09-27
Written: (6778 days ago)

I've said my goodbyes, now i shut my mouth and wait.

36191  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-09-16
Written: (6790 days ago)

Oh man... I hurt. I feel the pain again. People, you almost lost me a few days ago. And early this morning... i felt that same pain come back... I had the same person that talked to me.. calm me down again. What i need to do is move on with my life. I'm going to move in a different direction. 

1.) Start school
2.) get promoted to E-4
3.) Get a hobby... maybe get a pet

I need to countinue to work on my life... even if she is not in it. Heather, I'll wait for you and I'm sorry... and i also forgive you but mostly, i am sorry.

36058  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-09-14
Written: (6792 days ago)

When me and heather broke up i felt the world around me crash on my heart. I felt as though i couldn't live without her. The pain was so extream, i didn't even imagine what it was to be heart broken until then. For a month and a half i tryed everything to get her back. I was on my hands and knees. The pain i felt was so strong and so unbarable that i tryed everything to get it away. I even lowerd my standerds and Morals just to escape it... even if it was for a little while. There was even some people that took advantage of me when they saw me.
  The pain i felt and the pain i feel now is different. Before it was as if my arua around me was going psycho while my body just took the pain. The pain hurt so much. There was another pain that went threw me more though... that was the feeling as though something was going threw my throat, threw my heart, then into my lungs. There were times when it was hard to breath and other times when my heart felt like it wanted to runaway from me.
  As of right now i feel as though i don't have a heart or a soul anymore. If I do, then i have lost it. I do not feel like there is a perpose in life anymore and i wouldn't care if i died, but i will live on. I am looking for my heart and soul if its still there. I think it will be easyer to find my soul then my heart because my heart is broken into millions of pieces and scared all over the place. I will survive. As long as i know how to love i know i will be alive. lol... I want to listen to cake now... I think i might put them up on my page again....

  But yeah, the pain i feel now is lonelyness... void... emptyness. I want to love again. i want to spoil a beautiful Goddess will my love... my Goddess has forsaken me. Now i must worship another.

  I am finding it more easyer to move on now because Heather is pushing not just me away... she has been pushing other people away that love her too and now she has just pushed her bestfriend away. So i feel that now i have company and the journy to move on and away from this Goddess will be easyer because i have someone with me in the same boat.

  Yeah, I finding myslef Loving Heather but she is not the same person i feel inlove with. she is different. I'm not in love with her anymore. I still keep some picture because she was my longest relationship and the first for alot of things for me... even my first love. I will always love her... but the real question is, whould i ever take her back... I don't even know if it would work out if i did.

  This month and a half has been emotionly drainning.

36011  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-09-13
Written: (6793 days ago)

After being so mad at heather tonight because she is pushing her friends away just like she pushed me away... i find myself not loving the same woman anymore... and i feel confort that there is someone else in the same boat as me now. So now... i love heather but i feel that she has changed... and i don't like who she is becoming. Don't run from your problems... work them out but heather runs from them and doesn't look back. Its not the heather i feel in love with.

35907  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-09-12
Written: (6794 days ago)

P.S. yes its true. It was only way to escape... but it still came back. I'm sorry but we broke up and you moved on. I know there is no chance left, i have no hope left... that is why i have nothing to live for anymore. I am sorry that i am probly going to hurt you one last time, if i don't then then you are true to richards word that you "loved" me.

35906  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-09-12
Written: (6794 days ago)

I think this is the end... I'm done. Life is over. I have nothing to live for and i have nothing to give anymore. I'm sorry to everyone that i have hurt and everyone that i am going to hurt. Its just to much to deal with.

I want you to know that i love you and I am just to weak to fight this any longer. I'm sorry.

35826  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-09-11
Written: (6794 days ago)

I am going to jail on Murder charges!

My sister has a black eye.... and i know who did it. It was Sisco, that fucking rat basterd. If i see him, i am so going to kill him. God, i can't take this right now.
35797  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-09-11
Written: (6795 days ago)

So i just gave heather the last of her stuff. I still have a picture or two but i can't throw away everything. I'm going to stop trying to ride the fence between moving on and hoping Heather will take me back, I'm picking up my Heart and Moving on. 

I went home early last night from work because I was so depressed it was making me real sick. I was getting dizzy and wanted to puke. I still feel this way but I also feel a sword throw my throat, into my heart, out of it and into my lungs. It fucking sucks.

  Yeah, i made a promis to God to save myself until i get married....then i broke it ... then i made the same promiss... then i broke it again (yeah thats right, I did it because i didn't care anymore. I just wanted to escape the pain. And i escaped the pain with 6 other people. I became a Whore for a while).... then i made the same promis...now...i'm taking it back. but i'm not braking it, I'm just going back to my old ways... I am going to only have sex with the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah, It was sex. It wasn't Love like i want. I give a rats ass about sex, I want to make love to the person i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Well, now i am moving on and i'm going to start looking for someone to move into my heart. So ladies, there is a sign out that says "rent to own"

35706  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-09-10
Written: (6796 days ago)

by Akon

Album : Trouble (2004)

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,

[Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there ya kno got that one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave

[I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,] coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
[Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin]

I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

[Cant belive I hadda girl like you] and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, [what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right,] I
Really wanna[ make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

I'm so lonely
] (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
[Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing u]
[Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you'd be gone this long, [I jus want u to call my phone], so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl [I didn't mean to shout], I want me and you to work it out,[ I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy
] cuz...

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

Good Times Bad Times

In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,
Now I've reached that age,[ I've tried to do all those things the best I can].
No matter how I try, I find my way into the same old jam.

*[Good Times, Bad Times, you know I had my share;]
When my woman left home for a brown eyed man,
Well, I still don't seem to care.

Sixteen, [I fell in love with a girl as sweet as could be,]
Only took a couple of days 'til she was rid of me.
[She swore that she would be all mine and love me till the end,]
But when I whispered in her ear, I lost another friend, oooh.

* Chorus

[I know what it means to be alone,] I sure do wish I was at home.
[I don't care what the neighbors say, I'm gonna love you each and every day]
You can feel the beat within my heart.
Realize, sweet babe, we ain't ever gonna part.

I Can't Quit You, Baby

I Can't Quit You, Baby, so I'm gonna put you down for awhile. X2
Said you messed up my happy home, Made me mistreat my only child.

[Said you know I love you, baby, my love for you I could never hide]. X2
Oh, when I feel you near me little girl, I know [you are my one desire.]

When you hear me moaning and groaning,
you know [it hurts me deep down inside]. X2

Oh, when you hear me... [You know you're my one desire. Yes, you are.]

What Is And What Should Never Be

And [if I say to you tomorrow. Take my hand, child, come with me.]
It's to a castle I will take you, where what's to be, they say will be.

*Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave today, way up high in the sky.
But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show
That you will be mine, by takin' our time.

And if you say to me tomorrow, oh what fun it all would be.
Then [what's to stop us,] pretty baby. But What Is And What Should Never Be.

* Chorus

So if you wake up with the sunrise, and all your dreams are still as new,
And [happiness is what you need so bad, girl, the answer lies with you.]

* Chorus

Oh the wind wont blow and we really shouldn't go and it only goes to show.
Catch the wind, we're gonna see it spin, we're gonna...sail, little girl
do do do, bop bop a do-oh, my my my my my my yeah.
Everybody I know seems to know me well
but they're never gonna know that I move like hell.

Stairway To Heaven

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know [sometimes words have two meanings.]
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
[Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.]
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And [my spirit is crying for leaving.]
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, [it really makes me wonder.]

And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
[Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's [calling you to join him,]
[Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road
[Our shadows taller than our soul.]
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Badfish- sublime

How's it goin dude? Hey man where's todd? Tell Todd he can turn the radio back on. 
[When you grab ahold of me,
tell me that I'll never be set free.
But I'm a parasite,
creep and crawl, I step into the night.
Two pints of booze.
Tell me are you a bad fish too? (are you a badfish too?)

Ain't got no money to spend.
I hope the night would never end.
[Lord knows I'm weak.]
Won't somebody get get me off of this reef? 

Baby your a big blue whale,
grab the reef when all duck divin' fails.
[I swim, but I wish I never learned,]
the water's too polluted with germs.
I dive deep when it's ten feet over head.
Grab the reef underneath my bed. (underneath my bed). 

Ain't got no quarrels with God,
ain't got no time to grow old. 
Lord knows I'm weak,
won't somebody get me off this reef?

I gotta get ahead.

Ain't got no quarrels with God,
ain't got no time to get old. 
Lord knows I'm weak,
won't somebody get me off of this reef?

Wrong Way

Annie's 12 years old
In two more she'll be a whore
Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way
Don't be afraid with the quickness you get laid
For your family gets paid
It's the wrong way
[I gave her all that I had to give ]
I'm gonna make it [hard to live]
[Big salty tears running down her chin
And it ruins up her make up I never wanted

A cigarette, pressed between between lips
but I'm staring at her tits
It's the wrong way
[Strong if I can, but I am only a man]
So I take her to the can
It's the wrong way
The only family That she ever had
Is her 7 horny brothers and her drunk-ass dad
He needed money so he put her on the street
Everything was going fine until the day that she met me

[Happy are you sad? ]
Wanna shoot your dad?
[I'll do anything I can]
It's the wrong way
We talked all night and [tried to make it right ]
[Believe me shit was tight]
It was the wrong way

[Go run away if you don't wanna stay
Cause I ain't here to make ya', oh no
It's up to you what you really wanna do
Spend some time in America,
] dub-style

She'll give you all that she got to give
But I'm gonna make it hard to live
Big salty tears rolling down to her chin
And it smears up her makeup I never wanted

So we ran away 
And[ I'm sorry when I say
That straight to this very day
It was the wrong way
She took a hike
[Don't matter if I like it or not
Because she only wants the wrong way

[I gave her all that I had to give
But she still wouldn't take it, w'oh no
Her two brown eyes only get larger still
And it still ruins her makeup
I never wanted

Santeria - Sublime

I don't practice santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball
Well I had a million dollars but I'd
I'd spend it all
[If I could find that heina]
And that sancho that she's found
Well I'd pop a cap in sancho and I'd slap her down.
What I really wanna know
Ah baby
mmm [What I really want to say
I can't define
Well it's love, that I neeeeed, oh
My soul will have to-
Wait till I get back 
Find heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all

[I feel the break, feel the break,
feeeel the break
And I got to live it up, oh yea huh
Well I swear that I

What I really wanna know
Ah baby
What I really want to say
I can't define.
That love make it go-woh
My soul will have to...

What I really wanna say
Ah baby
What I really wanna say
Is I've got mine
And I'll make it
oh Yes, I'm comin' up.

Tell sanchito that if he knows what is good for him
he best go run and hide
Daddy's got a new .45
And I won't think twice to stick that barrel straight down sancho's throat
Believe me when I say that I got something for his punk ass

What I really wanna know
Ah baby
What I really wanna say
Is there's just one
Way back, and I'll ma-e-a-e-ake it, yeah
[My soul will have to wait] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeeea, yeah, yeaah

Distance - Cake

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.
They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn.
As they speed through the finish, the flags go down.
The fans get up and they get out of town.
[The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
[And long ago somebody left with the cup.
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns.
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
[She's all alone
In her time of need.
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse,
He's going the distance.

No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine,
[He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster-truck force.
In his mind, he's still driving, still making the grade.
[She's hoping in time that her memories will fade].
Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup.
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns.
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

Cause he's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
She's all alone
In her time of need.
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
He's going the distance.

She'll come back to me - cake

Last night I said to her
I didn't want to live inside a lie.
[If she wants him
More than she wants me,
Let this be
She'll come back to me.
[She'll come back to me.]
She'll come back.

[All day I wait and wait
To hear her footsteps on my walkway.
[She never came.]
She never even called.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back.

[Somehow I know it won't last.
Somehow I know it won't last too long.

She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.

I will survive - Cake

At first I was afraid.
I was petrified.
[I kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along.

And so you're back from outer space.
I just walked in to find you here
Without that look upon your face.
I should have changed my fucking lock.
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me.

Oh now go.
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I.

I will survive.
[As long as I know how to love
I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live.
[I've got all my love to give.]
I will survive.
I will survive.

[It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart.
I'm trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart.
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself.
I used to cry.
But now I hold my head up high.

And you'll see me with somebody new.
I'm not that stupid little person
Still in love with you.
And so you thought you'd just drop by,
And you expect me to be free.
But now I'm saving all my lovin'
For someone who's lovin' me.

Oh now go.
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I.

I will survive.
As long as I know how to love
I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live.
I've got all my love to give.
I will survive.
I will survive.

35562  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-09-08
Written: (6798 days ago)

Yes, I have deleted alot of stuff from my page. It is because i'm tierd of being mean and angry. I used to be a very kind and loving person. Well, i'm trying to get back to how i was in highschool. Everyone liked me. Now that the marine corp has changed me alittle bit, I'm was trying to adapt to it and work around it... well now i'm just going to start being myself again. You hear that everyone!??! I'm going to be myself again. yeah, even my bestfriend Nathan said that i changed alittle. He wouldn't tell me if it was bad or good. Hmm.

35509  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-09-07
Written: (6798 days ago)

Holy shit. I can't stop. I can't stop hurting the one person I love the most in this world. She doesn't deserve me. Why should i try to get her back. I would probly just hurt her again. I hope she finds someone new and he makes her happy.

35254  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-09-05
Written: (6801 days ago)

Ok, so i have cooled down alittle bit. I just needed to vent. Nathan, my best friend, talked to me. Here is the scoop.

I'm upset right now... not pissed off like i was earlier, about heather and her reasons for not working things out or anything.

Her reasons where bacause i was lazy, how i said "put out or get out", selfish, and because a long time ago in are relationship, we broke up for a "Simular reason" Not the same, but simular. She gave me a second chance. OK, lets brake it down barnny stile:

Second chance and "put out or get out": Ok so about this,... Something like this shouldn't of got in the way of love. I know fucked up and I'm so sorry but if she didn't want to have sex, then she wouldn't of put herself in that kind of position. It was a problem that we should of worked out and it was crappy of me to put it the way i did but it was something that needed to be worked out.

Selfish and lazy: i went to Marine corp Bootcamp in late november and came back home july 1.... 7 months of not having anytime for myself, couldn't sleep in, waking up at 4:00am to do PT and get yeild at. Then staying up half the night talking to your girlfriend. Yeah i did have some free time after boot camp but it wasn't what i wanted to do. It was what everyone else wanted to do. I was out going to parties because they wanted me to, they draged me along to clubs that i didn't want to be at. Do 7 months of what every one else wants you to do and not anything about what you really want to do then tell me if being lazy and selfish is such a crim to brake up a relationship.

34275  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-26
Written: (6811 days ago)
Next in thread:

Fuck this shit

 I am fucking tierd of hurting. I have ask so meany times from God to give me heather back. I have been on my hands and knees. I have made promises to him. But you know what... God is a fucking mean God. He just wants to fuck my life up. He is like "Nick is not going to have parents" so then my dad and mother die. Then he is like "Nick is going to feel the worst pain i have created" and so he gave me my love of my life and takes her away from me. You know what God, If you aren't going to give me the love of my life back, That take love out of of my life. I don't want it anymroe. You can have it. Fuck Love. I don't want it. People can be happy doing other things. You have no mercy on my soul God, why should i have mercy on anyone? You know i'm not a bad person, I just do some stupid things sometimes. Why the hell doyou have to fuck my life up so much?

Fuck love. Love sucks

34118  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (6812 days ago)

So i'm still feeling the pain. Someone told me that my skin feels like a babys bottom... Heather always liked how soft my skin was. And there are Glow in the dark star on my cealing. I put thoughs up there so that me and heather could look at stars even when we where inside. Every time i close my eyes, all i think about is her or if/when we get back together and how its going to be or how it was. My heart beat has not been normal in a month. I wish everything would go back to normal.
  I understand that i have been selfish. I understand that I still want but i also realize that if i get the one thing i want, i won't want anymore. I would think about how to make her happy. Man, I'm so confused right now. I love her and i don't want to hurt anymore. If i could go back out with heather, i wouldn't hurt anymore. But i know that i love Heather so much that i have to let her do what she wants to do.
  Oh man. So i have mixed feelings for other people i just don't want to get into another relationship. I eather want to be with heather or no one at all. I know heather is the person for me. I so would love to be with her for the rest of my life but right now... it's not like its going to happen right now. I need to just let heather have her time and let her be friends with me, while i just stand back and just have a good time with other people. But hey, i made a promis to God that i wouldn't have sex... but the other part of that is if i get heather back. God has not done his part yet. he has giving me little bits but nothing that i really can work with. He might has but now its just needs time. Maybe i will just go on dates with other people then try my luck with her again. I just don't like geting involved with people that i don't want to get serious with. i feel like i'm just using them. I don't want to move on and i don't want a "rebound" I just think that letting heather do what she wants to do is what i need to do and just going on dates is enough. just right now, i just can't get her out of my mind no mater how hard i try.

34108  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (6812 days ago)

Man, in the darkest of you lifes times, you really do see who is a friend and who is just playing the role. Its like a beam of light coming from the darkness. i think i'm going to start weeding out my so called friends. I know for a fact that i do have some friends because of what they try to do to make me happy. And I know that Heather has some great friends too. Some of them that want to help but just can't. 

  This pain hurts, some days its barly there, others its come back and with avengence. At this moment, i hurt but i also don't care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

34031  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-24
Written: (6813 days ago)

Another Lonely Day
(Ben Harper)

I changed it alittle bit.

yes indeed i'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
cause i've been with witches
and i have been with a queen

it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

wish there was something
i could say or do
i can resist anything
but temptation from you
but now I walk alone
and I chase you around
i'd rather follow myself
than to feel draged down

it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one i love
today i hardly know
you i held so close in my heart oh dear
grow further from me
with every fallen tear

it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

No matter how hard i try, I stil see her in my dreams. i don't talk about it or haven't told anyone because i'm hoping that they will go away. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. I wish she did , then things would be happy again. But for now, I just want to sleep. So that i can see you her in my dreams. See that smile, feel her warmth, and feel her lips. But that is just a dream.
  I wake up every hour or so because it hurts so much. Every time i see her, it hurts me. I am so much in pain. I have pleaded with all her friends to help, and i have pleaded with her to take me back, but no use. I wish this pain would go away. Why does God make something feel so good and so painful all at the same time. 
  I hurt more than i have in a long time. It seems that everytime i get closer to my goal, something reminds me how much i hurt her and how much she still is angry at me. Hope is so far away and so small. I feel that it would be worth it but why must it be so small and so far away from me. Yes, it is dark. My hope is far away, and the light that onced shinned on my from her is now only shadows now. A part of me doesn't want this pain to go away. A part of me just wants to die with this pain. 
  Some people think she is just playing games. that she saying that she wants to be friends and that there might be a relationship in the future is like putting a piece of meat infront of me. Just enough for me to stick around while she gets some things worked out. Does she have a nother person in her life? I don't know. I don't want to even think about that.
  I just want my heather back. I don't care about anything else. I hurt so much. I pray to God every night that she will take me back and tonight, I will cry myself to sleep. 
  You know, I'm tierd of doing that. Why do i hurt so much. Because i love her? If i loved her, then i wouldn't of done what i had done. God, i'm so tierd of this. Please fix it. I have sufferd enough. I have had more than my share of pain now. Plase God, Fix it.

  There is so much i miss. I miss how easly i could make her feel better. I miss her smile. I miss how i could just do stupid stuff to make her laugh. I miss singing to her while we drove some where in town. I miss looking at the stars. I miss telling her that i stole the brightest star in the sky for her. I miss calling her my goddess. I miss her goodnight kisses. I miss her trust. I miss her respect. I miss her warmth. I miss her smell. I miss her daily phone calls. I miss her little kicks when she sleeps. I miss her green spot on her left blue eye. I miss the first time she got me to say "WHOW". I miss her kindness. I miss her loyalty. I miss her dedication. I miss her love notes. I miss her text messeges. I mias her "I love you more". I miss her "I love you better". I miss hearing "baby" I miss her kiss. I miss her hugs. I miss chacing her around wal-mart. I miss drinking Carmel maciodos. I miss lying beside her. I miss her heartbeat. I miss her bedhead.  I miss... her.

33999  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-23
Written: (6813 days ago)

I talked to heather on the phone today. This is almost exacly what i said to her:

First off, I want to say that I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I know I hurt you and that the ut most respect that you had for me is no longer there because of what I did and for that I’m sorry. I have broking respect and trust and that is something that a person that loves you as much as I do, should never do.
I am sorry. When the problem came up, I should of stopped thinking about it, and talked with you to tell you that we should do something to fix this problem but I didn’t. I just thought about it until I couldn’t handle it anymore. But I have fixed that problem by myself and I realize that it was ether going to be you or me. Well, my first choice showed me a side of the fence that I do not want to be on, and it opened some doors. But now, I have seen the other side of the fence and I want to go back and choose door #2 because that is the rightful choice. I have made a promos to God that I am going to save myself until after marriage. I choosed to do this because it is the right thing to do and if I want to be with you and if I want are relationship to work out, then I have to play in the same ball game. So I promos you that nothing like that will ever come up again
I am sorry for being so selfish. Before I went to boot camp, All I thought about was how to make you happy. It brought me so much joy to see you smile the way you do when I call you My Goddess. When I went to boot camp, I was surrounded by people that I would never hang out with. On top of that, I would have to eat with them, sleep with them, work with them, and co-operate with them. These people had such bad morals. You know them. Sandman and Williams. Holy cow! They would tell there wife or girlfriend that they loved them then the next, they are having sex with another. Then when they got caught, they would lie to there wife or girlfriend to get out of it while Roads and me are laying in bed, Talking to are girlfriends that we love so very much and would never think about it. Slowly we would lower are morals just to cover for them. When I got back to Waco, I missed you and all I wanted was to think about myself. I was tired of trying to help everyone, cover for everyone, and doing what everyone expected of me. I just wanted to sleep and cuddle with the one person that I loved more than anything in the whole world. I knew I changed a little and I just wanted to absorb the morals that you and Nathan followed. I knew that if I wanted my moral back, I needed to hang out with the people that help make my morals.
I’m not trying to get back with you Heather because I know there is not the trust and respect that there once was. But I would like to fix that. I am willing to do what ever it takes to gain that respect and trust again and if it means for us to just be friends for awhile, then fine. Its going to hurt, in fact, it still does hurt. I love you heather and I am willing to do what ever makes you happy. When you are ready to talk, we can talk. If you just want to be friends for a while, lets just be friends for a while but I would like it if you would give me another chance in the future.
I know when I came back, I had some problems. But I’m fixing them. I have promised God, and I’m hanging out with people with great morals and they know that I would like there help and they are. 
Thank you for hearing what I had to say. I just needed to get some things off my chest and when you are ready to get some things off your chest, come talk to me.

So she is cool with it but she is is stil mad at me. What i did really pissed her off and i know that. She said that that we might be able to have a relationship in the future but that would be a long time from now. And i'm cool with that. I'm gong to wait for her.

 But for right now, I'm going to look for some one else. I should move on. The worst thing could happen is that i lose one love, but gain another.

 The logged in version 

News about Elfpack
Help - How does Elfpack work?

Get $10 worth of Bitcoin/Ethereum for free (you have to buy cryptos for $100 to get it) and support Elfpack!