[psychoflea]'s diary

35797  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-09-11
Written: (6347 days ago)

So i just gave heather the last of her stuff. I still have a picture or two but i can't throw away everything. I'm going to stop trying to ride the fence between moving on and hoping Heather will take me back, I'm picking up my Heart and Moving on. 

I went home early last night from work because I was so depressed it was making me real sick. I was getting dizzy and wanted to puke. I still feel this way but I also feel a sword throw my throat, into my heart, out of it and into my lungs. It fucking sucks.

  Yeah, i made a promis to God to save myself until i get married....then i broke it ... then i made the same promiss... then i broke it again (yeah thats right, I did it because i didn't care anymore. I just wanted to escape the pain. And i escaped the pain with 6 other people. I became a Whore for a while).... then i made the same promis...now...i'm taking it back. but i'm not braking it, I'm just going back to my old ways... I am going to only have sex with the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Yeah, It was sex. It wasn't Love like i want. I give a rats ass about sex, I want to make love to the person i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Well, now i am moving on and i'm going to start looking for someone to move into my heart. So ladies, there is a sign out that says "rent to own"

35706  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-09-10
Written: (6348 days ago)

Lonely
by Akon

Album : Trouble (2004)


Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,

[Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there ya kno got that one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave
]

[I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,] coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
[Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin]

I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

[Cant belive I hadda girl like you] and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, [what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right,] I
Really wanna[ make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

I'm so lonely
] (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
[Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing u]
[Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely
]

So lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you'd be gone this long, [I jus want u to call my phone], so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl [I didn't mean to shout], I want me and you to work it out,[ I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy
] cuz...

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely


Good Times Bad Times
(Bonham/Jones/Page)

In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,
Now I've reached that age,[ I've tried to do all those things the best I can].
No matter how I try, I find my way into the same old jam.

*[Good Times, Bad Times, you know I had my share;]
When my woman left home for a brown eyed man,
Well, I still don't seem to care.

Sixteen, [I fell in love with a girl as sweet as could be,]
Only took a couple of days 'til she was rid of me.
[She swore that she would be all mine and love me till the end,]
But when I whispered in her ear, I lost another friend, oooh.

* Chorus

[I know what it means to be alone,] I sure do wish I was at home.
[I don't care what the neighbors say, I'm gonna love you each and every day]
You can feel the beat within my heart.
Realize, sweet babe, we ain't ever gonna part.

I Can't Quit You, Baby
(Dixon)

I Can't Quit You, Baby, so I'm gonna put you down for awhile. X2
Said you messed up my happy home, Made me mistreat my only child.

[Said you know I love you, baby, my love for you I could never hide]. X2
Oh, when I feel you near me little girl, I know [you are my one desire.]

When you hear me moaning and groaning,
you know [it hurts me deep down inside]. X2

Oh, when you hear me... [You know you're my one desire. Yes, you are.]

What Is And What Should Never Be
(Page/Plant)

And [if I say to you tomorrow. Take my hand, child, come with me.]
It's to a castle I will take you, where what's to be, they say will be.

*Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave today, way up high in the sky.
But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show
That you will be mine, by takin' our time.

And if you say to me tomorrow, oh what fun it all would be.
Then [what's to stop us,] pretty baby. But What Is And What Should Never Be.

* Chorus

So if you wake up with the sunrise, and all your dreams are still as new,
And [happiness is what you need so bad, girl, the answer lies with you.]

* Chorus

Oh the wind wont blow and we really shouldn't go and it only goes to show.
Catch the wind, we're gonna see it spin, we're gonna...sail, little girl
do do do, bop bop a do-oh, my my my my my my yeah.
Everybody I know seems to know me well
but they're never gonna know that I move like hell.

Stairway To Heaven
(Page/Plant)

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know [sometimes words have two meanings.]
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
[Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.]
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And [my spirit is crying for leaving.]
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, [it really makes me wonder.]

And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
[Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
]
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's [calling you to join him,]
[Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.
]

And as we wind on down the road
[Our shadows taller than our soul.]
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Badfish- sublime

How's it goin dude? Hey man where's todd? Tell Todd he can turn the radio back on. 
[When you grab ahold of me,
tell me that I'll never be set free.
]
But I'm a parasite,
creep and crawl, I step into the night.
Two pints of booze.
Tell me are you a bad fish too? (are you a badfish too?)

Ain't got no money to spend.
I hope the night would never end.
[Lord knows I'm weak.]
Won't somebody get get me off of this reef? 

Baby your a big blue whale,
grab the reef when all duck divin' fails.
[I swim, but I wish I never learned,]
the water's too polluted with germs.
I dive deep when it's ten feet over head.
Grab the reef underneath my bed. (underneath my bed). 

Ain't got no quarrels with God,
ain't got no time to grow old. 
Lord knows I'm weak,
won't somebody get me off this reef?

I gotta get ahead.

Ain't got no quarrels with God,
ain't got no time to get old. 
Lord knows I'm weak,
won't somebody get me off of this reef?

Wrong Way

Annie's 12 years old
In two more she'll be a whore
Nobody ever told her it's the wrong way
Don't be afraid with the quickness you get laid
For your family gets paid
It's the wrong way
[I gave her all that I had to give ]
I'm gonna make it [hard to live]
[Big salty tears running down her chin
And it ruins up her make up I never wanted
]

A cigarette, pressed between between lips
but I'm staring at her tits
It's the wrong way
[Strong if I can, but I am only a man]
So I take her to the can
It's the wrong way
The only family That she ever had
Is her 7 horny brothers and her drunk-ass dad
He needed money so he put her on the street
Everything was going fine until the day that she met me

[Happy are you sad? ]
Wanna shoot your dad?
[I'll do anything I can]
It's the wrong way
We talked all night and [tried to make it right ]
[Believe me shit was tight]
It was the wrong way

[Go run away if you don't wanna stay
Cause I ain't here to make ya', oh no
It's up to you what you really wanna do
Spend some time in America,
] dub-style

She'll give you all that she got to give
But I'm gonna make it hard to live
Big salty tears rolling down to her chin
And it smears up her makeup I never wanted

So we ran away 
And[ I'm sorry when I say
That straight to this very day
It was the wrong way
]
She took a hike
[Don't matter if I like it or not
Because she only wants the wrong way
]


[I gave her all that I had to give
But she still wouldn't take it, w'oh no
]
Her two brown eyes only get larger still
And it still ruins her makeup
I never wanted

Santeria - Sublime

I don't practice santeria
I ain't got no crystal ball
Well I had a million dollars but I'd
I'd spend it all
[If I could find that heina]
And that sancho that she's found
Well I'd pop a cap in sancho and I'd slap her down.
What I really wanna know
Ah baby
mmm [What I really want to say
I can't define
Well it's love, that I neeeeed, oh
My soul will have to-
]
Wait till I get back 
Find heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all

[I feel the break, feel the break,
feeeel the break
And I got to live it up, oh yea huh
]
Well I swear that I

What I really wanna know
Ah baby
What I really want to say
I can't define.
That love make it go-woh
My soul will have to...

What I really wanna say
Ah baby
What I really wanna say
Is I've got mine
And I'll make it
oh Yes, I'm comin' up.

Tell sanchito that if he knows what is good for him
he best go run and hide
Daddy's got a new .45
And I won't think twice to stick that barrel straight down sancho's throat
Believe me when I say that I got something for his punk ass

What I really wanna know
Ah baby
What I really wanna say
Is there's just one
Way back, and I'll ma-e-a-e-ake it, yeah
[My soul will have to wait] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeeea, yeah, yeaah

Distance - Cake

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.
They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn.
As they speed through the finish, the flags go down.
The fans get up and they get out of town.
[The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.
]
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
[And long ago somebody left with the cup.
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns.
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.
]

He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
[She's all alone
In her time of need.
]
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse,
He's going the distance.

No trophy, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no wine,
[He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster-truck force.
]
In his mind, he's still driving, still making the grade.
[She's hoping in time that her memories will fade].
Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup.
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns.
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

Cause he's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
She's all alone
In her time of need.
Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
He's going the distance.

She'll come back to me - cake

Last night I said to her
I didn't want to live inside a lie.
[If she wants him
More than she wants me,
Let this be
].
She'll come back to me.
[She'll come back to me.]
She'll come back.

[All day I wait and wait
To hear her footsteps on my walkway.
]
[She never came.]
She never even called.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back.

[Somehow I know it won't last.
Somehow I know it won't last too long.
]

She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.
She'll come back to me.

I will survive - Cake

At first I was afraid.
I was petrified.
[I kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
].
But then I spent so many nights
Just thinking how you'd done me wrong.
I grew strong.
I learned how to get along.

And so you're back from outer space.
I just walked in to find you here
Without that look upon your face.
I should have changed my fucking lock.
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me.

Oh now go.
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I.

I will survive.
[As long as I know how to love
I know I'll be alive.
]
I've got all my life to live.
[I've got all my love to give.]
I will survive.
I will survive.

[It took all the strength I had
Just not to fall apart.
I'm trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart.
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself.
I used to cry.
]
But now I hold my head up high.

And you'll see me with somebody new.
I'm not that stupid little person
Still in love with you.
And so you thought you'd just drop by,
And you expect me to be free.
But now I'm saving all my lovin'
For someone who's lovin' me.

Oh now go.
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
You're not welcome anymore.
Weren't you the one
Who tried to break me with desire?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh not I.

I will survive.
As long as I know how to love
I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live.
I've got all my love to give.
I will survive.
I will survive.

35562  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-09-08
Written: (6350 days ago)

Yes, I have deleted alot of stuff from my page. It is because i'm tierd of being mean and angry. I used to be a very kind and loving person. Well, i'm trying to get back to how i was in highschool. Everyone liked me. Now that the marine corp has changed me alittle bit, I'm was trying to adapt to it and work around it... well now i'm just going to start being myself again. You hear that everyone!??! I'm going to be myself again. yeah, even my bestfriend Nathan said that i changed alittle. He wouldn't tell me if it was bad or good. Hmm.

35509  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-09-07
Written: (6351 days ago)

Holy shit. I can't stop. I can't stop hurting the one person I love the most in this world. She doesn't deserve me. Why should i try to get her back. I would probly just hurt her again. I hope she finds someone new and he makes her happy.

35254  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-09-05
Written: (6354 days ago)

Ok, so i have cooled down alittle bit. I just needed to vent. Nathan, my best friend, talked to me. Here is the scoop.

I'm upset right now... not pissed off like i was earlier, about heather and her reasons for not working things out or anything.

Her reasons where bacause i was lazy, how i said "put out or get out", selfish, and because a long time ago in are relationship, we broke up for a "Simular reason" Not the same, but simular. She gave me a second chance. OK, lets brake it down barnny stile:

Second chance and "put out or get out": Ok so about this,... Something like this shouldn't of got in the way of love. I know fucked up and I'm so sorry but if she didn't want to have sex, then she wouldn't of put herself in that kind of position. It was a problem that we should of worked out and it was crappy of me to put it the way i did but it was something that needed to be worked out.

Selfish and lazy: i went to Marine corp Bootcamp in late november and came back home july 1.... 7 months of not having anytime for myself, couldn't sleep in, waking up at 4:00am to do PT and get yeild at. Then staying up half the night talking to your girlfriend. Yeah i did have some free time after boot camp but it wasn't what i wanted to do. It was what everyone else wanted to do. I was out going to parties because they wanted me to, they draged me along to clubs that i didn't want to be at. Do 7 months of what every one else wants you to do and not anything about what you really want to do then tell me if being lazy and selfish is such a crim to brake up a relationship.


34275  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-26
Written: (6363 days ago)
Next in thread:

Fuck this shit


 I am fucking tierd of hurting. I have ask so meany times from God to give me heather back. I have been on my hands and knees. I have made promises to him. But you know what... God is a fucking mean God. He just wants to fuck my life up. He is like "Nick is not going to have parents" so then my dad and mother die. Then he is like "Nick is going to feel the worst pain i have created" and so he gave me my love of my life and takes her away from me. You know what God, If you aren't going to give me the love of my life back, That take love out of of my life. I don't want it anymroe. You can have it. Fuck Love. I don't want it. People can be happy doing other things. You have no mercy on my soul God, why should i have mercy on anyone? You know i'm not a bad person, I just do some stupid things sometimes. Why the hell doyou have to fuck my life up so much?

Fuck love. Love sucks

34118  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (6364 days ago)

So i'm still feeling the pain. Someone told me that my skin feels like a babys bottom... Heather always liked how soft my skin was. And there are Glow in the dark star on my cealing. I put thoughs up there so that me and heather could look at stars even when we where inside. Every time i close my eyes, all i think about is her or if/when we get back together and how its going to be or how it was. My heart beat has not been normal in a month. I wish everything would go back to normal.
  I understand that i have been selfish. I understand that I still want but i also realize that if i get the one thing i want, i won't want anymore. I would think about how to make her happy. Man, I'm so confused right now. I love her and i don't want to hurt anymore. If i could go back out with heather, i wouldn't hurt anymore. But i know that i love Heather so much that i have to let her do what she wants to do.
  Oh man. So i have mixed feelings for other people i just don't want to get into another relationship. I eather want to be with heather or no one at all. I know heather is the person for me. I so would love to be with her for the rest of my life but right now... it's not like its going to happen right now. I need to just let heather have her time and let her be friends with me, while i just stand back and just have a good time with other people. But hey, i made a promis to God that i wouldn't have sex... but the other part of that is if i get heather back. God has not done his part yet. he has giving me little bits but nothing that i really can work with. He might has but now its just needs time. Maybe i will just go on dates with other people then try my luck with her again. I just don't like geting involved with people that i don't want to get serious with. i feel like i'm just using them. I don't want to move on and i don't want a "rebound" I just think that letting heather do what she wants to do is what i need to do and just going on dates is enough. just right now, i just can't get her out of my mind no mater how hard i try.

34108  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (6365 days ago)

Man, in the darkest of you lifes times, you really do see who is a friend and who is just playing the role. Its like a beam of light coming from the darkness. i think i'm going to start weeding out my so called friends. I know for a fact that i do have some friends because of what they try to do to make me happy. And I know that Heather has some great friends too. Some of them that want to help but just can't. 

  This pain hurts, some days its barly there, others its come back and with avengence. At this moment, i hurt but i also don't care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

34031  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-24
Written: (6365 days ago)

Another Lonely Day
(Ben Harper)

I changed it alittle bit.

yes indeed i'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
cause i've been with witches
and i have been with a queen


it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day


wish there was something
i could say or do
i can resist anything
but temptation from you
but now I walk alone
and I chase you around
i'd rather follow myself
than to feel draged down


it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day


yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one i love
today i hardly know
you i held so close in my heart oh dear
grow further from me
with every fallen tear


it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day


No matter how hard i try, I stil see her in my dreams. i don't talk about it or haven't told anyone because i'm hoping that they will go away. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. I wish she did , then things would be happy again. But for now, I just want to sleep. So that i can see you her in my dreams. See that smile, feel her warmth, and feel her lips. But that is just a dream.
  I wake up every hour or so because it hurts so much. Every time i see her, it hurts me. I am so much in pain. I have pleaded with all her friends to help, and i have pleaded with her to take me back, but no use. I wish this pain would go away. Why does God make something feel so good and so painful all at the same time. 
  I hurt more than i have in a long time. It seems that everytime i get closer to my goal, something reminds me how much i hurt her and how much she still is angry at me. Hope is so far away and so small. I feel that it would be worth it but why must it be so small and so far away from me. Yes, it is dark. My hope is far away, and the light that onced shinned on my from her is now only shadows now. A part of me doesn't want this pain to go away. A part of me just wants to die with this pain. 
  Some people think she is just playing games. that she saying that she wants to be friends and that there might be a relationship in the future is like putting a piece of meat infront of me. Just enough for me to stick around while she gets some things worked out. Does she have a nother person in her life? I don't know. I don't want to even think about that.
  I just want my heather back. I don't care about anything else. I hurt so much. I pray to God every night that she will take me back and tonight, I will cry myself to sleep. 
  You know, I'm tierd of doing that. Why do i hurt so much. Because i love her? If i loved her, then i wouldn't of done what i had done. God, i'm so tierd of this. Please fix it. I have sufferd enough. I have had more than my share of pain now. Plase God, Fix it.


  There is so much i miss. I miss how easly i could make her feel better. I miss her smile. I miss how i could just do stupid stuff to make her laugh. I miss singing to her while we drove some where in town. I miss looking at the stars. I miss telling her that i stole the brightest star in the sky for her. I miss calling her my goddess. I miss her goodnight kisses. I miss her trust. I miss her respect. I miss her warmth. I miss her smell. I miss her daily phone calls. I miss her little kicks when she sleeps. I miss her green spot on her left blue eye. I miss the first time she got me to say "WHOW". I miss her kindness. I miss her loyalty. I miss her dedication. I miss her love notes. I miss her text messeges. I mias her "I love you more". I miss her "I love you better". I miss hearing "baby" I miss her kiss. I miss her hugs. I miss chacing her around wal-mart. I miss drinking Carmel maciodos. I miss lying beside her. I miss her heartbeat. I miss her bedhead.  I miss... her.

33999  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-23
Written: (6366 days ago)

I talked to heather on the phone today. This is almost exacly what i said to her:

First off, I want to say that I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I know I hurt you and that the ut most respect that you had for me is no longer there because of what I did and for that I’m sorry. I have broking respect and trust and that is something that a person that loves you as much as I do, should never do.
I am sorry. When the problem came up, I should of stopped thinking about it, and talked with you to tell you that we should do something to fix this problem but I didn’t. I just thought about it until I couldn’t handle it anymore. But I have fixed that problem by myself and I realize that it was ether going to be you or me. Well, my first choice showed me a side of the fence that I do not want to be on, and it opened some doors. But now, I have seen the other side of the fence and I want to go back and choose door #2 because that is the rightful choice. I have made a promos to God that I am going to save myself until after marriage. I choosed to do this because it is the right thing to do and if I want to be with you and if I want are relationship to work out, then I have to play in the same ball game. So I promos you that nothing like that will ever come up again
I am sorry for being so selfish. Before I went to boot camp, All I thought about was how to make you happy. It brought me so much joy to see you smile the way you do when I call you My Goddess. When I went to boot camp, I was surrounded by people that I would never hang out with. On top of that, I would have to eat with them, sleep with them, work with them, and co-operate with them. These people had such bad morals. You know them. Sandman and Williams. Holy cow! They would tell there wife or girlfriend that they loved them then the next, they are having sex with another. Then when they got caught, they would lie to there wife or girlfriend to get out of it while Roads and me are laying in bed, Talking to are girlfriends that we love so very much and would never think about it. Slowly we would lower are morals just to cover for them. When I got back to Waco, I missed you and all I wanted was to think about myself. I was tired of trying to help everyone, cover for everyone, and doing what everyone expected of me. I just wanted to sleep and cuddle with the one person that I loved more than anything in the whole world. I knew I changed a little and I just wanted to absorb the morals that you and Nathan followed. I knew that if I wanted my moral back, I needed to hang out with the people that help make my morals.
I’m not trying to get back with you Heather because I know there is not the trust and respect that there once was. But I would like to fix that. I am willing to do what ever it takes to gain that respect and trust again and if it means for us to just be friends for awhile, then fine. Its going to hurt, in fact, it still does hurt. I love you heather and I am willing to do what ever makes you happy. When you are ready to talk, we can talk. If you just want to be friends for a while, lets just be friends for a while but I would like it if you would give me another chance in the future.
I know when I came back, I had some problems. But I’m fixing them. I have promised God, and I’m hanging out with people with great morals and they know that I would like there help and they are. 
Thank you for hearing what I had to say. I just needed to get some things off my chest and when you are ready to get some things off your chest, come talk to me.


So she is cool with it but she is is stil mad at me. What i did really pissed her off and i know that. She said that that we might be able to have a relationship in the future but that would be a long time from now. And i'm cool with that. I'm gong to wait for her.

 But for right now, I'm going to look for some one else. I should move on. The worst thing could happen is that i lose one love, but gain another.

33521  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-18
Written: (6372 days ago)

So last night I talked to heather. I told her that i loved her and that i miss her. I also told her that i'm done and when she is ready to talk, she knows my number. Man it stil hurts. People say "remember the good times" NO! That just makes it hurt more and thinking about thinking about the bad things dont help eather because there are not enough bad thinks in are relationship. Its a lose lose sistutation. I'm at fault and so i should suffer. Right now, I just want to make heather happy.

33279  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-16
Written: (6373 days ago)

Holy cow. I had such a dream. I wish it were real. It felt so real and when i found out that i was dreaming, i wished that i could of slept forever. sigh

33277  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-16
Written: (6373 days ago)

Well, some good news. Heather has unblocked me from IM and we talked alittle. It wasn't what i wanted to talk about but i got what i wanted and then some. We started getting into a fight when she wound't tell me what her plans where. It seems that i have fixed a problem, but have not fixed the sorce of the problem. If I don't fix that, then why even bother for Heather to try to give me another chance when it will only happen again. I guess I will need to go on a pilgrimage to fix it...hopfully. I'm looking forward to more sleepless nights. I just have to tell myself that it takes time like everyone has been telling me. People tell me alot, its just most people don't listen until they are hurting someway. example, You would listen on how to get out of quicksand if you where in it, but most people don't know how to get out of it even if you told them right befor they go in it.

  So onword to some random place in waco... maybe even central texas where i will make my journy. Hmm, i might really do that... I don't have to go to work untill 5:30 today.

33202  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-08-15
Written: (6374 days ago)

So i got most of my cell phone problems worked out. I'm getting a Razor cell phone. Its going to be sweet! Oh and Sears gave me a Master Credit Card! HAHAHA! Oh and I have started a Checking account. I trying to everything a i can to not think about Heather.... I'm running out of things to worry about.
  So work was fine. I got $55 in tips alone with is more than what i make when i cook. So i made about $75 in 7 hours. YAY! Tonight we are having some Yummy Meat! Its Ribs. Heather always liked ribs. When we would go to outback or Texas Roadhouse, that is what she would get. Also i have some new Chuck Taylors! They are orange! They are sweet Jesus if you ask me.

33121  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-08-14
Written: (6375 days ago)

Morning: I went to church. Spiritual.
Afternoon: Helped Paul and nathan Move. Good times for all.
Night: Work. Hmmm... i get paid $2.15 a hour. How would you feel?


So Church was great. I need to get conected with God again. After Bootcamp I kind of did my own thing but i'm going to get back intouch with him. Helping Paul and nathan move was fun. We joked around alot and moved some stuff around into a truck. I still like to do the same thing Mitch headburg does. He likes to help people stay put. He goes over there house and makes sure they are not loading boxes into the back of a truck. And Work... hmmm. I have over flow so it shouldn't be to bad. I hope i get alot of money from tips and I don't hear and songs that will remind me of Heather. It still hurts way to much. Just being near where she is makes my Blood Pressure sky rocket and I start to lose my breath. HAHA, I made a funny. She takes my breath away. But forreal, no joke, she does.

P.S Parting until 5 am then waking up to go to church at 9:30am then going to work at 4 is not a good idea.

33088  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-08-13
Written: (6375 days ago)

Morning: a little depressed
Afternoon: Sleeping, then being bizzy
Night: Work. I hate it!

  So yeah, I can't stop myself from thinking of her. When I hear a song that reminds me of her, its such a strong pain that comes. Its one of thoughs pain that you want to cry but you can't because you have been crying for weeks.
  Justin, My boss, had a party at his place. It was a alright time. At work i just couldn't stop thinking about Heather. Everysong some how was conected to her. I just want her to smile at me again. I want to hear her voice. Even a whisper would be good.
  So yeah, I have been working things out with myself and i'm finding hope. I'm not just doing it for her, I'm doing it for me because i need to have this view with me.
  So last night I made a promos to God. I promos that is hard to keep. Once I made the promos, I asked myself, "what would i do if I had a choose to brake it, or lose something i hold most dear to me", and i found myself getting real mad because i didn't like my choices. Right then and there, I put myself in someone elses shoes. Then i understood how wrong I was.

33008  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-12
Written: (6376 days ago)

Morning: Alittle Down, with a peck of sadness everytime a memory came.
Afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Working. Not stressfull but kept my mind of off things. Also, Went and drove around to think about some things. Thought about what i should do, what i need to do, what i want to do, and what i could of done. In the end, I feel better, I have a plan, a wish, and some hope.
 Tonight was the first step in changing. It will take some time but i made a promos.

32768  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-11
Written: (6378 days ago)

Mood for today:

Morning: Having a blast shooting stuff with paintballs and going to witches house.
afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Cooking

32652  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-10
Written: (6379 days ago)

Mood for today:

morning: Tierd
Afternoon: ok
Night: Bizzy

32651  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-09
Written: (6379 days ago)

One month... starts now

Mood for today:
Morning: Angry
Afternoon: depressed
night: Happy

32011  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-05
Written: (6384 days ago)

I'm going to give it a all out attack. If it don't work, then i give up and i will move on.

Time to start making a Plain.

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