[psychoflea]'s diary

35562  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-09-08
Written: (6893 days ago)

Yes, I have deleted alot of stuff from my page. It is because i'm tierd of being mean and angry. I used to be a very kind and loving person. Well, i'm trying to get back to how i was in highschool. Everyone liked me. Now that the marine corp has changed me alittle bit, I'm was trying to adapt to it and work around it... well now i'm just going to start being myself again. You hear that everyone!??! I'm going to be myself again. yeah, even my bestfriend Nathan said that i changed alittle. He wouldn't tell me if it was bad or good. Hmm.

35509  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-09-07
Written: (6893 days ago)

Holy shit. I can't stop. I can't stop hurting the one person I love the most in this world. She doesn't deserve me. Why should i try to get her back. I would probly just hurt her again. I hope she finds someone new and he makes her happy.

35254  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-09-05
Written: (6896 days ago)

Ok, so i have cooled down alittle bit. I just needed to vent. Nathan, my best friend, talked to me. Here is the scoop.

I'm upset right now... not pissed off like i was earlier, about heather and her reasons for not working things out or anything.

Her reasons where bacause i was lazy, how i said "put out or get out", selfish, and because a long time ago in are relationship, we broke up for a "Simular reason" Not the same, but simular. She gave me a second chance. OK, lets brake it down barnny stile:

Second chance and "put out or get out": Ok so about this,... Something like this shouldn't of got in the way of love. I know fucked up and I'm so sorry but if she didn't want to have sex, then she wouldn't of put herself in that kind of position. It was a problem that we should of worked out and it was crappy of me to put it the way i did but it was something that needed to be worked out.

Selfish and lazy: i went to Marine corp Bootcamp in late november and came back home july 1.... 7 months of not having anytime for myself, couldn't sleep in, waking up at 4:00am to do PT and get yeild at. Then staying up half the night talking to your girlfriend. Yeah i did have some free time after boot camp but it wasn't what i wanted to do. It was what everyone else wanted to do. I was out going to parties because they wanted me to, they draged me along to clubs that i didn't want to be at. Do 7 months of what every one else wants you to do and not anything about what you really want to do then tell me if being lazy and selfish is such a crim to brake up a relationship.

34275  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-26
Written: (6905 days ago)
Next in thread:

Fuck this shit

 I am fucking tierd of hurting. I have ask so meany times from God to give me heather back. I have been on my hands and knees. I have made promises to him. But you know what... God is a fucking mean God. He just wants to fuck my life up. He is like "Nick is not going to have parents" so then my dad and mother die. Then he is like "Nick is going to feel the worst pain i have created" and so he gave me my love of my life and takes her away from me. You know what God, If you aren't going to give me the love of my life back, That take love out of of my life. I don't want it anymroe. You can have it. Fuck Love. I don't want it. People can be happy doing other things. You have no mercy on my soul God, why should i have mercy on anyone? You know i'm not a bad person, I just do some stupid things sometimes. Why the hell doyou have to fuck my life up so much?

Fuck love. Love sucks

34118  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (6907 days ago)

So i'm still feeling the pain. Someone told me that my skin feels like a babys bottom... Heather always liked how soft my skin was. And there are Glow in the dark star on my cealing. I put thoughs up there so that me and heather could look at stars even when we where inside. Every time i close my eyes, all i think about is her or if/when we get back together and how its going to be or how it was. My heart beat has not been normal in a month. I wish everything would go back to normal.
  I understand that i have been selfish. I understand that I still want but i also realize that if i get the one thing i want, i won't want anymore. I would think about how to make her happy. Man, I'm so confused right now. I love her and i don't want to hurt anymore. If i could go back out with heather, i wouldn't hurt anymore. But i know that i love Heather so much that i have to let her do what she wants to do.
  Oh man. So i have mixed feelings for other people i just don't want to get into another relationship. I eather want to be with heather or no one at all. I know heather is the person for me. I so would love to be with her for the rest of my life but right now... it's not like its going to happen right now. I need to just let heather have her time and let her be friends with me, while i just stand back and just have a good time with other people. But hey, i made a promis to God that i wouldn't have sex... but the other part of that is if i get heather back. God has not done his part yet. he has giving me little bits but nothing that i really can work with. He might has but now its just needs time. Maybe i will just go on dates with other people then try my luck with her again. I just don't like geting involved with people that i don't want to get serious with. i feel like i'm just using them. I don't want to move on and i don't want a "rebound" I just think that letting heather do what she wants to do is what i need to do and just going on dates is enough. just right now, i just can't get her out of my mind no mater how hard i try.

34108  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-25
Written: (6907 days ago)

Man, in the darkest of you lifes times, you really do see who is a friend and who is just playing the role. Its like a beam of light coming from the darkness. i think i'm going to start weeding out my so called friends. I know for a fact that i do have some friends because of what they try to do to make me happy. And I know that Heather has some great friends too. Some of them that want to help but just can't. 

  This pain hurts, some days its barly there, others its come back and with avengence. At this moment, i hurt but i also don't care. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.

34031  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-24
Written: (6908 days ago)

Another Lonely Day
(Ben Harper)

I changed it alittle bit.

yes indeed i'm alone again
and here comes emptiness crashing in
it's either love or hate
i can't find in between
cause i've been with witches
and i have been with a queen

it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

wish there was something
i could say or do
i can resist anything
but temptation from you
but now I walk alone
and I chase you around
i'd rather follow myself
than to feel draged down

it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

yesterday seems like a life ago
cause the one i love
today i hardly know
you i held so close in my heart oh dear
grow further from me
with every fallen tear

it should of worked out any way
but now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

No matter how hard i try, I stil see her in my dreams. i don't talk about it or haven't told anyone because i'm hoping that they will go away. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. I wish she did , then things would be happy again. But for now, I just want to sleep. So that i can see you her in my dreams. See that smile, feel her warmth, and feel her lips. But that is just a dream.
  I wake up every hour or so because it hurts so much. Every time i see her, it hurts me. I am so much in pain. I have pleaded with all her friends to help, and i have pleaded with her to take me back, but no use. I wish this pain would go away. Why does God make something feel so good and so painful all at the same time. 
  I hurt more than i have in a long time. It seems that everytime i get closer to my goal, something reminds me how much i hurt her and how much she still is angry at me. Hope is so far away and so small. I feel that it would be worth it but why must it be so small and so far away from me. Yes, it is dark. My hope is far away, and the light that onced shinned on my from her is now only shadows now. A part of me doesn't want this pain to go away. A part of me just wants to die with this pain. 
  Some people think she is just playing games. that she saying that she wants to be friends and that there might be a relationship in the future is like putting a piece of meat infront of me. Just enough for me to stick around while she gets some things worked out. Does she have a nother person in her life? I don't know. I don't want to even think about that.
  I just want my heather back. I don't care about anything else. I hurt so much. I pray to God every night that she will take me back and tonight, I will cry myself to sleep. 
  You know, I'm tierd of doing that. Why do i hurt so much. Because i love her? If i loved her, then i wouldn't of done what i had done. God, i'm so tierd of this. Please fix it. I have sufferd enough. I have had more than my share of pain now. Plase God, Fix it.

  There is so much i miss. I miss how easly i could make her feel better. I miss her smile. I miss how i could just do stupid stuff to make her laugh. I miss singing to her while we drove some where in town. I miss looking at the stars. I miss telling her that i stole the brightest star in the sky for her. I miss calling her my goddess. I miss her goodnight kisses. I miss her trust. I miss her respect. I miss her warmth. I miss her smell. I miss her daily phone calls. I miss her little kicks when she sleeps. I miss her green spot on her left blue eye. I miss the first time she got me to say "WHOW". I miss her kindness. I miss her loyalty. I miss her dedication. I miss her love notes. I miss her text messeges. I mias her "I love you more". I miss her "I love you better". I miss hearing "baby" I miss her kiss. I miss her hugs. I miss chacing her around wal-mart. I miss drinking Carmel maciodos. I miss lying beside her. I miss her heartbeat. I miss her bedhead.  I miss... her.

33999  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-23
Written: (6908 days ago)

I talked to heather on the phone today. This is almost exacly what i said to her:

First off, I want to say that I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I know I hurt you and that the ut most respect that you had for me is no longer there because of what I did and for that I’m sorry. I have broking respect and trust and that is something that a person that loves you as much as I do, should never do.
I am sorry. When the problem came up, I should of stopped thinking about it, and talked with you to tell you that we should do something to fix this problem but I didn’t. I just thought about it until I couldn’t handle it anymore. But I have fixed that problem by myself and I realize that it was ether going to be you or me. Well, my first choice showed me a side of the fence that I do not want to be on, and it opened some doors. But now, I have seen the other side of the fence and I want to go back and choose door #2 because that is the rightful choice. I have made a promos to God that I am going to save myself until after marriage. I choosed to do this because it is the right thing to do and if I want to be with you and if I want are relationship to work out, then I have to play in the same ball game. So I promos you that nothing like that will ever come up again
I am sorry for being so selfish. Before I went to boot camp, All I thought about was how to make you happy. It brought me so much joy to see you smile the way you do when I call you My Goddess. When I went to boot camp, I was surrounded by people that I would never hang out with. On top of that, I would have to eat with them, sleep with them, work with them, and co-operate with them. These people had such bad morals. You know them. Sandman and Williams. Holy cow! They would tell there wife or girlfriend that they loved them then the next, they are having sex with another. Then when they got caught, they would lie to there wife or girlfriend to get out of it while Roads and me are laying in bed, Talking to are girlfriends that we love so very much and would never think about it. Slowly we would lower are morals just to cover for them. When I got back to Waco, I missed you and all I wanted was to think about myself. I was tired of trying to help everyone, cover for everyone, and doing what everyone expected of me. I just wanted to sleep and cuddle with the one person that I loved more than anything in the whole world. I knew I changed a little and I just wanted to absorb the morals that you and Nathan followed. I knew that if I wanted my moral back, I needed to hang out with the people that help make my morals.
I’m not trying to get back with you Heather because I know there is not the trust and respect that there once was. But I would like to fix that. I am willing to do what ever it takes to gain that respect and trust again and if it means for us to just be friends for awhile, then fine. Its going to hurt, in fact, it still does hurt. I love you heather and I am willing to do what ever makes you happy. When you are ready to talk, we can talk. If you just want to be friends for a while, lets just be friends for a while but I would like it if you would give me another chance in the future.
I know when I came back, I had some problems. But I’m fixing them. I have promised God, and I’m hanging out with people with great morals and they know that I would like there help and they are. 
Thank you for hearing what I had to say. I just needed to get some things off my chest and when you are ready to get some things off your chest, come talk to me.

So she is cool with it but she is is stil mad at me. What i did really pissed her off and i know that. She said that that we might be able to have a relationship in the future but that would be a long time from now. And i'm cool with that. I'm gong to wait for her.

 But for right now, I'm going to look for some one else. I should move on. The worst thing could happen is that i lose one love, but gain another.

33521  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-18
Written: (6914 days ago)

So last night I talked to heather. I told her that i loved her and that i miss her. I also told her that i'm done and when she is ready to talk, she knows my number. Man it stil hurts. People say "remember the good times" NO! That just makes it hurt more and thinking about thinking about the bad things dont help eather because there are not enough bad thinks in are relationship. Its a lose lose sistutation. I'm at fault and so i should suffer. Right now, I just want to make heather happy.

33279  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-16
Written: (6916 days ago)

Holy cow. I had such a dream. I wish it were real. It felt so real and when i found out that i was dreaming, i wished that i could of slept forever. sigh

33277  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-16
Written: (6916 days ago)

Well, some good news. Heather has unblocked me from IM and we talked alittle. It wasn't what i wanted to talk about but i got what i wanted and then some. We started getting into a fight when she wound't tell me what her plans where. It seems that i have fixed a problem, but have not fixed the sorce of the problem. If I don't fix that, then why even bother for Heather to try to give me another chance when it will only happen again. I guess I will need to go on a pilgrimage to fix it...hopfully. I'm looking forward to more sleepless nights. I just have to tell myself that it takes time like everyone has been telling me. People tell me alot, its just most people don't listen until they are hurting someway. example, You would listen on how to get out of quicksand if you where in it, but most people don't know how to get out of it even if you told them right befor they go in it.

  So onword to some random place in waco... maybe even central texas where i will make my journy. Hmm, i might really do that... I don't have to go to work untill 5:30 today.

33202  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-08-15
Written: (6916 days ago)

So i got most of my cell phone problems worked out. I'm getting a Razor cell phone. Its going to be sweet! Oh and Sears gave me a Master Credit Card! HAHAHA! Oh and I have started a Checking account. I trying to everything a i can to not think about Heather.... I'm running out of things to worry about.
  So work was fine. I got $55 in tips alone with is more than what i make when i cook. So i made about $75 in 7 hours. YAY! Tonight we are having some Yummy Meat! Its Ribs. Heather always liked ribs. When we would go to outback or Texas Roadhouse, that is what she would get. Also i have some new Chuck Taylors! They are orange! They are sweet Jesus if you ask me.

33121  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-08-14
Written: (6917 days ago)

Morning: I went to church. Spiritual.
Afternoon: Helped Paul and nathan Move. Good times for all.
Night: Work. Hmmm... i get paid $2.15 a hour. How would you feel?

So Church was great. I need to get conected with God again. After Bootcamp I kind of did my own thing but i'm going to get back intouch with him. Helping Paul and nathan move was fun. We joked around alot and moved some stuff around into a truck. I still like to do the same thing Mitch headburg does. He likes to help people stay put. He goes over there house and makes sure they are not loading boxes into the back of a truck. And Work... hmmm. I have over flow so it shouldn't be to bad. I hope i get alot of money from tips and I don't hear and songs that will remind me of Heather. It still hurts way to much. Just being near where she is makes my Blood Pressure sky rocket and I start to lose my breath. HAHA, I made a funny. She takes my breath away. But forreal, no joke, she does.

P.S Parting until 5 am then waking up to go to church at 9:30am then going to work at 4 is not a good idea.

33088  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-08-13
Written: (6917 days ago)

Morning: a little depressed
Afternoon: Sleeping, then being bizzy
Night: Work. I hate it!

  So yeah, I can't stop myself from thinking of her. When I hear a song that reminds me of her, its such a strong pain that comes. Its one of thoughs pain that you want to cry but you can't because you have been crying for weeks.
  Justin, My boss, had a party at his place. It was a alright time. At work i just couldn't stop thinking about Heather. Everysong some how was conected to her. I just want her to smile at me again. I want to hear her voice. Even a whisper would be good.
  So yeah, I have been working things out with myself and i'm finding hope. I'm not just doing it for her, I'm doing it for me because i need to have this view with me.
  So last night I made a promos to God. I promos that is hard to keep. Once I made the promos, I asked myself, "what would i do if I had a choose to brake it, or lose something i hold most dear to me", and i found myself getting real mad because i didn't like my choices. Right then and there, I put myself in someone elses shoes. Then i understood how wrong I was.

33008  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-12
Written: (6919 days ago)

Morning: Alittle Down, with a peck of sadness everytime a memory came.
Afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Working. Not stressfull but kept my mind of off things. Also, Went and drove around to think about some things. Thought about what i should do, what i need to do, what i want to do, and what i could of done. In the end, I feel better, I have a plan, a wish, and some hope.
 Tonight was the first step in changing. It will take some time but i made a promos.

32768  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-11
Written: (6921 days ago)

Mood for today:

Morning: Having a blast shooting stuff with paintballs and going to witches house.
afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Cooking

32652  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-08-10
Written: (6922 days ago)

Mood for today:

morning: Tierd
Afternoon: ok
Night: Bizzy

32651  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-08-09
Written: (6922 days ago)

One month... starts now

Mood for today:
Morning: Angry
Afternoon: depressed
night: Happy

32011  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-05
Written: (6927 days ago)

I'm going to give it a all out attack. If it don't work, then i give up and i will move on.

Time to start making a Plain.

32010  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-08-05
Written: (6927 days ago)

If i could,
go back in time;
I would.
If i could,
Take back what i said,
I would.
If i was more observant,
and saw that you where hurting.
I would make you pleased.
If i could,
read your mind,
I would.
If there was a chance to get you back,
I would take it.

 Holy cow! I hurt. I'm sore. I feel so spazed out right now. Feels like all the energy from my body is trying to exscape on its own free will. It feel as though my Ora is going in and out of my body extreamly fast. My body acs from it. I haven't got much sleep. Every time i lay my head down. I start to dream about my Goddess and how i fucked up. I don't know what i was thinking. It sucks that it happend. But Hopfully God will help me. I think he will. He has before and I think he will do it again. He brought me her, and he took her away. What i ask is that he bring her back.

Man, I can't get you out of my mind. You stole my Heart, and i don't want it back. I want you back.

Have you ever felt like crying but couldn't because you cryed to much or you hurt so much that you couldn't. My blood feels as though it is on fire and i don't like this bad burning in my body. I want to feel love again. Not the feelings i'm feeling right now.

God will help me.

My Friend Nikki Birdwell came over today. She was the first good news in a long time. I had a crush on her in 6th grade and had one for a while until I feel in love with heather. No, I don't feel the same as i did before. It made me think. Here in front of me was one of my old crushes that i use to be inflatuated with, now i feel nothing. When i saw her i was excited because i hadn't seen her in a few years and i hadn't talked to her in almost a year. And I was shocked to find out that she was fuck buddies with Paul that i thought was going out with Robin... only to find out that they broke up in november. I wasn't jelous, I was more shocked that Paul and Robin broke up more than they were fucking.
Makes me think, Will I ever Love someone else or did I give every last drop of love to heather that i could of. There might be some in me that will grow, but my heart is not near as big as it was before.

I'm really hopeing that God will help me to get back heather. If not, I'm hoping that we will be friends and I can try to grow on that. Try to give me another chance.

oh man, My body. Oh man, My Soul. Oh man, My Heart. They are all so black and blue.

31858  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-08-04
Written: (6927 days ago)

  So Heather and I Broke up. We are no longer together after 2 years. Some of you out there know how i feel. I have talked to my parents and they have made me feel better. I think maybe we do need some time apart. It hurts but maybe we aren't ready for that close of a relationship. Hopefully down the road we can try again. She needs to concentrate on her school work and her family and friends as do I. But for right now, I think i'm just going to date. I don't want a relationship. There are a few people that are eyeballing me and I'll start talking to them. Maybe have some fun on the side. I'm a Marine; I can get chicks like its a game that i'm a master at....haha who the fuck am i fooling. Ayh, oh well. I'll do what i feel like it. Well if you are reading this heather, I'm sorry again. I'll talk to you in a few months. You said that we could still be friends. Lets really try on that.

I love you guys. Peace out!

 The logged in version 

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