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|Even though Hedda is not seen as "active" here, it does not mean he is not around. To be quite frank, I'm petrified that Hedda will just ban me from Elfpack just as he's done on Elftown. I don't want to get too involved as I was and do, do, do more and ultimately for him since this is his site, only to have him get a hair across his ass and then ban me here too. He has so totally humiliated me on Elftown AND all over the Internet, and he also humiliated me on Elf12 as well, after he gave me his word that I could do with Elf12 as I saw fit and then ALL my work I did there was completely destroyed. Yet, Hedda used the concocted excuse when he banned me the first time on Elftown because I sent him an email telling him I was thinking about leaving Elftown, that I was going to "run amok" and destroy/delete all of MY stuff. 'Course I had no intentions because for the very simple reason I couldn't! I could not delete wiki-pages on Elftown, because my priv setting was 49. I could not delete anything I had uploaded to the site, because the ONLY person who can delete anything from the site, is Hedda himself and it has to be done at the server itself. But he told the crew that I was going to do all this and they all bought it hook, line, and sinker, even though the crew of all people KNEW very well that I could DO NO SUCH THING! Not ONE person in the crew stood up for me that I'm aware of, even though they KNEW what Hedda was selling was shit. |
..And then he proceeded to instigate the crew into "stealing and taking over MY contest" (Elftown Dreamers' Contest) that I thought up, put together, and then had only brought it to the crew's attention to see if there was any interest in it to be run officially. The crew didn't give me a hard time about it, but Hedda did. He found all kinds of fault with it and made me feel like a real schmuck for even suggesting it AND I had just sent him $175.00 for "him and Lilo" for Christmas no less! I was so hurt and angry with him, I could have spit nails! But since it didn't seem to be worthy of official material, I then decided to shelve it and then I was going to make it a contest to be run affiliated with the "I Believe In Elftown" wiki. But when he banned me on this first round, he right away, like I stated, told the crew that they should take over my contest and of course, I was banned, so I couldn't defend what I had created. They of course, gladly complied and Yuriona, a guard, is the one who jumped right in and took it over. Now mind you, she's a guard and the guards are supposed to "disallow" the stealing of others' creations and work, but oh, it was perfectly okay for a guard to "steal my work", and especially when I could not defend my work as well. Underhanded? Most definitely! Then when I was allowed back on 3 weeks later, I at some point discovered what had been done to me and so, of course, I complained. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't anyone? Oh but, since it was I who was stating my grievance, well, I was then seen as a drama queen, psychobitch, lunatic, and everything else derogatory under the sun. Then Hedda tried to tell me that he and the crew had done SO much work on it and spent SO much time working on it. Bullshit! I DID! He made one teeny tiny little change on one of its pages and the rest of the time he spent bitching to me about the contest! It was a deliberate stunt that HE orchestrated and there isn't ANYONE that's going to convince me otherwise. I KNOW when I'm being made a fool of and that's what they were all doing to me at Hedda's bidding.
Anyway, onward... I make a point now to not only copy and save anything strange or unexplainable that happens on my computer through screengrabs and page sources of, which I've been doing for a long time and was ridiculed for doing so, but I also show what I experience to another or others as much as I possibly can, whenever I possibly can, because I'm accused of making everything up and imagining everything, including my daughter, my sisters, my best friend Hans, etc. because I was told by crew members that my sisters, my daughter, Hans are all people I imagined in my mind, but of course, they were also the ones who "were defending me", so let's make those defending Artsie imaginary. Just something else they used to mock and belittle me with. When you stand not only accused, but tried and convicted without the REAL facts even remotely considered, threatened should you show and tell the facts/data you have, therefore revealing what you know, then you do everything possible to protect yourself and your reputation, especially when Hedda is slandering my name all over the Internet and is denying me access to MY work, which IS stealing MY work. But because I refuse to keep quiet about what I know and have on him and others, I'm being called a liar, a lunatic, a troublemaker..
Then also, because I have oodles of other incriminating evidence against Hedda, in regards to his "extra curricular activities" that are unethical, immoral, and criminal, well, destroying me and my name is likely right at the top of his "to-do list". It's interesting how an "interest" he had in me can turn into a "vendetta against me". Which IS also his own doing, his own fault. I went to Hedda at the very beginning, when I first began surmising that Hedda was breaking things or making them malfunction so I would then go to him for him to fix and he was so happy to fix them at that time, I might add. ...And of course, I was so grateful!
I was told by True that Hedda wouldn't break anything or make it not work right, because Hedda was lazy and didn't like to work and so fix things. Right, actually. "Most" people, 'normal' people, do not go around breaking things or make things malfunction. ...Unless.. they are looking to appear like a hero in another's eyes, that is. Conceal the cause of the malfunction, but BE the one who fixes whatever, and you've got a perfect recipe for making a person think you're a hero, even though you really aren't. Follow me?
So, as I said, I went to Hedda (very beginning of January, 2008, the 7th to be exact and please remember this date for future reference), because I figured that if there was something going on with him, the best thing to do was talk about it. But I kept thinking to myself that this really couldn't BE possible. Why would Hedda do things TO me? ..And even more so, it just couldn't be possible that he'd have any kind of 'personal' interest in me. I was just a nobody really, but a work-a-holic nobody who practically lived on his sites, always, always doing things to better them somehow and I was also the mod for Elf12, but still, I just don't see myself as very attractive and/or all that interesting. (It's a long story, too long to get into here, but it involves MANY years of being abused, emotionally, physically, and sexually, particularly throughout the first 20 or so years of my life.)
But I did like Hedda of what I knew about him. He seemed a little 'unique, different' at times, but I can relate, because I've always had a tendency to think of myself as rather different, even odd, as well. Because he owned the sites I loved being on and doing stuff for so much, I did feel a good deal of respect towards him, and even admiration. But I didn't have going on any personal or romantic interest in him. Because of my high regard for him, however, and even though I was suspicious he was up to something, I still didn't want Hedda to be a person who would be up to anything devious. So I was hoping that my suspicions were wrong and that there was some other explanation and I was hoping Hedda would explain how my suspicions were wrong. I did NOT want to be right!
But he wouldn't talk to me. But still, things continued to strangely happen and even more so, pointing towards he being behind them. Since I couldn't get any answers out of him, I decided to go to sunrose. It was a well known fact on Elftown that she knew Hedda better than anyone else on the site and so, I was hoping that perhaps, she could shed some light on the subject, could give me a little better insight with Hedda. I didn't really ask her right out directly, but just kinda' bring up a subject that involved him, if you know what I mean. ..And just hoping I could learn a little about how Hedda's thinking worked kinda'.
(What I didn't know at the time however, was that she had had it already on "her" agenda to try and get rid of me from Elftown. If I HAD known, I wouldn't have even considered going to her AT ALL! But... this I will get to further into this writing.)
We talked a little on Elftown at first and I was getting the distinct feeling that she was beginning to surmise that I was trying to learn more about Hedda, which, I was. Then after a little chatting on Elftown, she suggested we take our conversations off of Elftown and she gave me her MSN messenger address for us to continue our conversations there.
At first, nothing earth shattering took place. But then she began to tell me "other" things about Hedda. She told me that he was probably going through all my private stuff, reading all my private messages, for example. Then she proceeded with telling me that I really shouldn't be trying to please Hedda or agree with him. I should probably just walk away from his Elftown Creature Marathon project, because she told me that she had and because he only saw things his way, she said she told him to shove it up his ass and I should probably do the same. She also told me that she didn't think that Hedda and I would go well together and that Hedda only thought of himself and if something could benefit him somehow, he'd be interested. Otherwise, he couldn't be bothered. Basically, he was a selfish, self centered person.
Considering she and I had talked on Elftown, but this side of her perspective never appeared and then, once we were off the site, her whole demeanor changed drastically, needless to say, I was like: "Whoa!" O.O I remember thinking to myself: "She or he, consider themselves to be "friends" to each other!? O.O I must be using an outdated dictionary!" ...And there were other topics of conversation as well.
But what happened at some point during our conversations was REALLY bizarre! Suddenly, there came into the conversation this strange, bold, black text and bam! bam! bam! You could tell that it had been typed elsewhere and allowable portions of it were being put through, one after the other, consisting of about 4 - 5 entries, each immediately following the other. But.. what was so bizarr too, was that this strange added text was not as coherent as sunrose talks, AND it was TOTALLY contradictory of what she had said in regards to agreeing with Hedda. THIS particular text went on and on about that I should NOT have disagreed with Hedda and it was made in reference to a diary on ET of Hedda's in which he had stated that people who don't tell private information about themselves and use their proper names are nothing more than "nameless pieces of meat".
Well, I was like, "Huh?" To be honest, I didn't KNOW just what TO think. First, she's putting Hedda down, which she didn't do ON Elftown. Then THIS contradictory text! I was totally befuddled to say the least. I even finally asked her if she was okay, because I told her that she wasn't seeming like herself ..and from where I was sitting, she wasn't! Then our conversation ended. She said she was tired and was going to sleep. So, I thought then that perhaps she was just over tired.
The very next conversation I had with her began with a link being sent to me, showing from her. It was an exe file named "HAHA". I did NOT click on it because I don't just click on files or links sent to me, even if from friends, because friends may not know necessarily they're sending something malicious. Then I didn't hear from her until about a half an hour later and she asked me if I had clicked on the link. I said I hadn't. She then told me that someone had sent this virus to all of her MSN contacts.
Well, as you can imagine, I'm now reeling. I had NO idea just WHAT I was supposed to be thinking. ..And I'm still at this time trying to figure out the previous conversation as I just explained and now... THIS! I'm not a big user of MSN messenger besides, so I wasn't all that knowledgeable about just how things worked.
I decided to go to a person whom I perceived to be my friend at the time and this was Yuriona. I needed to sift through all that had taken place and I needed some additional insight and from a person who I presumed to know sunrose better than I. I was hoping that she could help me to make some sense out of what had happened. We talked a bit and she then also told me that she often felt that there was something more than just friendship going on between sunrose and Hedda, because she used to run around always trying to please him and she was always right up his butt. But she thought that perhaps, the best for me to do was talk it over with Hedda.
So, I went to Hedda and well, did I ever get a tongue lashing from him! How dare I question her integrity, etc., etc.. Well, I thought to myself, "Yeah, right, her integrity and she's been badmouthing you behind your back", but I did NOT tell him and now I think perhaps, I should have just sent him the entire conversation she and I had had on MSN. Hindsight is always 20/20.
But then, as I will get to, I shouldn't have ever gone to Hedda with my suspicions nor gone to sunrose to try and understand him. What I should have done is just left his sites altogether and never looked back when I first suspected Hedda's secret activity. But it's a bit too late now, however. This is what I get for trying to understand him and for not believing the bad stuff sunrose told me about him. Yuriona, however, I still feel gave me the best advice she could at the time and I do not fault her in any way in regards to her suggestion, because I still think it was a sound one.
I did go to sunrose and tell her that I didn't think that "she" had sent the virus link to me through MSN, but THIS has never been revealed, because then, those who elect to think the worst of me, would have to acknowledge something 'good' about me.
From this point on, things began to go drastically downhill between sunrose and I and I began to find out firsthand what a mistake I had made in not only going to her, but then there were others that pretended to be my friends, but all they were doing was phishing for information from me to take back to her and I had developed a very bad taste in my mouth ever since she had chose to trash Hedda behind his back on MSN, where she "thought" he wouldn't know about. With everything I know now, I KNOW she was deliberately trying to turn me against Hedda. I suspected as much back then, but I KNOW this now.
I'm the type of person that if another comes to me badmouthing another and seemingly especially for no valid reason, I tend to go in the defensive mode FOR THE PERSON being trashed and so, I followed the same pattern in regards to Hedda. So she tried to turn me against him, but what she really did was heighten my desire to defend him instead. The worst things got between her and I? The more intense my feelings became for Hedda. As a result, I began to fall in love with Hedda and so, I made countless excuses for him, because I didn't want HIM to be guilty of ANYTHING!
I wanted Hedda to know that I did think he was worthy of someone's love and caring, for I often got the feeling that he felt like he wasn't. As a result, I put together this fabulous page FOR him on CatHug, called "Just For Y♥U!" ..And I do mean "fabulous"! (I have the page data saved, so I can make a duplicate.) But after I made it, I began to feel uneasy because I was afraid sunrose would be able to see it and I wanted it to be just "private" between Hedda and myself, no one else. As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't anyone else's business but his and mine. But then I didn't know quite what to do, because I couldn't delete wiki-pages. The only one that I knew that could on CatHug was Hedda. So I had no choice. I had to go to Hedda, and I did so ON CatHug, and asked him to delete it.
He became absolutely FURIOUS with me, threatened to ban me, AND he did NOT address the issue with me "ON" CatHug, but instead, took it over to Elftown and reamed me out there, but on Elftown, sunrose could read messages, whereas on CatHug, she couldn't. THE VERY SAME DAY Hedda deleted the wiki-page, sunrose went to CatHug and cleared out her house there COMPLETELY and ended her friendship with Hedda on CatHug as well (Date today: 2013-04-28 and 1889 days ago she cleared out of CatHug, which makes it 2008-02-25, the same date of deletion by Hedda as can be seen on the wiki-page: http://www.cat
But.. then there are more questions... sunrose ended our relation on Elftown just 15 MINUTES immediately AFTER Hedda gave me a compliment "with a rose" about keeping his Elftown Creature Marathon project going and at the time, I was the only one who was spending any time with it. Then after this incident, SilverFire made it her mission to get on my case EVERY way possible, and if I complained about it, then other crew members just defened her and chastised me.
Not too awfully long after the wiki-page deletion episode, I asked Hedda for a relation on CatHug. He accepted. VERY shortly (like within an hour or less) AFTER Hedda and I had just BEGAN a relation on Cathug, sunrose RESIGNED as vice mayor on Elftown. But when I asked Hedda about a week or so later to have a relation with me on Elftown, he refused!
You know those "Interesting people" under the same named feature? The names that come up via the feature are the people who are watching the "same people as you are". Well, my buddy Hans did a little experiment. Since he was ONLY watching me, he documented all the names that came up via the feature, because all the names were of people who were ALSO watching me. Hedda's name came up VERY often, but yet, Hedda stated that he does NOT watch my house! ..And I cleared the purpose of the feature up with Hedda himself, on his Elftown Updates page in the comments.
Speaking of Hans, one of my best friends, apparently Hedda doesn't like him very much. Hedda knew about Hans even before I invited him to Elftown, because I wrote about first meeting Hans in my "private" forum. Then when I invited Hans to Elftown, at first, I was credited for the invite. At the top of my house, it went from "invited 0 members" TO "invited 1 members". Then Hans wrote a comment on my "Love For A Community - Elftown" wiki-page. Right after this, my "invite 1 members" went back to "invite 0 members".
When I stated this and said that I HAD in fact invited someone, it was just one more thing that was thrown in my face, accusing me that I was lying, that I had NOT invited anyone. True, plain and simple accused me of lying and said a lot of other nasty stuff as well, like how could I even think that Hedda would spend time watching me for he was well endowed with plenty of girls and he told me that I ought to come down a few pegs. He also said that he had the screencaptures that "proved" that I had "never" been to the invite page and then added, he was supposed to believe that Hedda rigged the invite page to make it look like I had never been there, etc.. But then I was constantly being made fun of and belittled in several other diaries, guestbooks, comments, PM's, and forums. Basically, I was made to feel that I was an ugly, worthless human being, not worth anything and definitely not anything that Hedda would even consider. I was called crazy, a psychobitch 3, a lunatic, needed mental help, a liar, a troublemaker, and LOTS more derogatory names. It was a classic example of mobbing, which is bullying by a group of people. But the kicker? I have a copy of that "invite email" AND I uploaded it to Elftown, displayed it right in my ET house, which "proved" that I HAD invited a member, Hans. I never got ANY apology, just Lerune's response telling me she was looking into it, but then, that all went by the wayside, when she said she was going to ask Hedda if he could shed some light on it. Well, I think we both can figure out why no more became of it.
Yet, I've been told countless times that "I" don't know what "I'm" talking about, that True, plain and simple and Hedda have analytics with screencaptures "proving" that "I" am WRONG, that I'm MISTAKEN! Well! Well! I 'guess' I'm not quite so mistaken after all, eh? But the REAL eye opener here is this. Most everyone knows that True, plain and simple KNOWS a heck of a lot about HTML, CSS, coding of the site, analytics, etc.. So it stands to reason that it would BE pretty darn difficult to trip up True, right? Get True to see something "different" than what it really is? But apparantly Hedda was able to do EXACTLY this! Now, if Hedda can fool True, then I think it's pretty safe to assume that he can also fool MANY others, including those who know far less than True, including SiverFire, who is "claiming" that "she" put the little red heart in my badge slot on 2009-02-15 and then also, that "she" removed it on 2009-04-08, when Hedda banned me the first time because I wrote to him in an email and told him I was thinking about leaving Elftown, because I couldn't take the shit any more. 'Course, April 8th IS sunrose's birthday, as well.
But this is par for the course, because this is what I was constantly met with: circumvention, patronisation, and so, stonewalling. Anything that couldn't be answered without implicating themselves or that pointed squarely in either Hedda's or sunrose's direction, got deliberately avoided and this happened countless times. ..Which is quite evident in the comments on my "Love For A Community - Elftown" wiki-page. (Which I have ALL the comments saved from btw.)
Then there was that incident where Hedda sent Hans an email in which he told Hans that I was nothing but a liar, I was crazy, etc., but all inflammatory against me. Shortly after this incident, Hans' email account "somehow" got deleted. But... Hans saved ALL the correspondence in that account, because he deliberately set it up on my old computer, because and so, the person accessing "my computer" would also have "access to the password" to that email account. Like give someone enough rope and they will hang themselves? ;) It basically was a "set up" account. So along with SO much other data I have which points to Hedda accessing my computer, THIS was just "additional information" to go WITH it. Also, however, that same email account had the "invite email" sent to it. If it were to suddenly go poof, well then, so would these two "incriminating emails"... or so someone thought. Now just WHO would stand to benefit from deleting Hans' email account? Sounds a bit "deja vu ish", too, doesn't it? Hedda definitely meant to try and get Hans to think poorly about me, kinda' the same as sunrose tried to get me to think poorly of Hedda!
I have much more in regards to Hedda versus Hans, that indicates Hedda is "jealous" of Hans, but it would likely take another chapter. But... I do KNOW that the reason why Hedda banned me on 2011-08-26 from Elftown, is because of this that Hans wrote in my site's guestbook, which read like this from Hans: "What would I do without you in my life? You complete me." Within a VERY short time after his entry became visible, I was suddenly logged out and banned from Elftown.. AND I was "signed off" of AOL, but "I" didn't sign off! Someone else DID IT FOR ME!
About the little, red heart incident in my badge slot. I HAVE THE PROOF and I have WITNESSES that KNOW Hedda put the little, red heart in my badge slot on 2009-02-15 when he delivered to me the Inspector's Badge. ..And I have the same PROOF that he removed "the EXACT same heart he placed in there" when he banned me on 2009-04-08. Yet, SilverFire is "claiming" that "she" did it. But she can't seem to provide the "same" accounting of doing it each and every time she attempts to explain. As many times as she has tried, this is as many times as her story has changed. My accounting of it, however, has NEVER changed, BECAUSE I witnessed it, I have the proof that Hedda did it, I also have witnesses that also saw it, and recently, I was provided information showing that she said she really does NOT remember doing it. Haha! You see, they think I'm an idiot, that I can't see right through them, that I won't eventually "learn the truth", but people should start realising that when you lie and cover up the truth, and especially when you try to frame another person for 'your' transgressions
Speaking of being provided "inside information", I have the CLINCHING data that PROVES BEYOND ANY DOUBT that sunrose is in fact VERY JEALOUS OF ME, which definitely backs up my suspicions that she was and is, even before I received the data. About or almost now, two years ago, I was provided "conversation material" that showed LOUDLY and CLEARLY not ONLY sunrose's agenda to get rid of me, but that she had it on her agenda since "the beginning of 2007"!!!!!!!!, which is when the "revealing" conversations took place. Remember I said earlier in this writing to remember the dates I gave? Here's the reason. The MSN episode took place in January of 2008 and it was the beginning point when things began to rapidly unravel between her and I. After which, she told everyone that I was badmouthing her. 'Course she didn't mention how she had badmouthed Hedda, not until her last comment on my "Love For A Community - Elftown" page ( http://elftown
Okay, well, here are TWO KEY statements SHE made in the conversation material provided to me that took place in the beginning of 2007. She said: "I don't care how Artsie is gotten rid of just as long as she is" AND the other: "I don't know what Hedda sees in her anyway". So, for approximately a whole year, if not more, SHE was plotting and scheming to "get rid of me from Elftown", but yet after the MSN episode in January of 2008, SHE was CLAIMING that "I" was badmouthing her and saying bad stuff about her! Now, THIS is pretty damn nervy for "her" to cry foul against "me" when "she" is SO guilty of her own selfish and jealous agenda. ..And but, SHE had NO reason in the beginning of 2007 to set out after me. I even thought we were friends then!
Then add in her "other" key statement that she didn't know what Hedda saw in me anyway, THIS tells me that "she" KNEW Hedda was interested in me. ..And "she" then made it HER MISSION to put a cow-bosh on it, and she didn't give a damn how. THIS is why she was trying to turn me against Hedda! I also heard through the grapevine, which is open to speculation, but it does make perfect sense... that she added me to the council to appease Hedda and make it look like she was okay with his interest in me.
But you see, all THESE LITTLE TID-BITS, those who are involved and wrapped up in serving sunrose's agenda, most do not even KNOW the WHOLE truth. They're just going by what sunrose is saying and she's VERY good at manipulating people's minds with her "interpretatio
But sunrose then made her reply and twisted what he said and made it look like he DID intend to direct his post at Yncke, even though he specifically said it wasn't his intention. ..And of course, she also added that Hedda has no social skills, which she's said and repeated MANY times. (Some friend, eh?) Of course, the rest of the crew that were involved with the thread all saw things sunrose's way, completely dismissing what "Hedda ACTUALLY said". I, however, read and re-read Hedda's post and I saw EXACTLY what he said, which is as I've stated he said. I was not happy that sunrose had twisted what he said, just to make Hedda look like he was a moron. Well, Hedda is NO moron! Actually, Hedda's a pretty smart cookie.
But.. I knew that if I disagreed with her, there'd be hell to pay, but I could NOT go along with her twisted version and so I said that I didn't see what she said at all in what Hedda wrote. Well, THAT DID IT! The whole rest of the crew then dogged me! How dare I disagree with her highness! ..And I was the ONLY one who stood up and stuck up FOR Hedda! But then, THIS is the type of person "I" am. I don't just go along with another's agenda because everyone else is. I evaluate and make the call based on the facts whenever possible and/or also based on my own firsthand experiences, which I have a huge knowledge base of this type from which to draw from. I WILL stand my ground and I WILL defend anyone that I feel is being wronged and regardless if it will make me very unpopular or not. I hate double standards and I hate butt-kissing! Anyway.. the end result? Yncke quit the council based on sunrose's interpretation and was not happy with Hedda at all as well.
I have principles for which I try to stand by. When members of the community would come to me about issues they were having, usually about the attitudes of some crew members, I took their complaints "in confidence". Several did not want their names involved because they were afraid that some of the crew members would then give them a hard time as a result. I understood this. So I took some concerns by members to the crew forum, but I omitted names, as I had told those who came to me I would. ..And to be quite frank, I think "issues" should be addressed, not members. Besides, I had witnessed a number of times when other crew members would mention an issue AND also the name or names of those members who had addressed it, and instead of discussing the "issue", the crew got off making fun of those who had addressed it.
I think THIS is so wrong! Anyway, because I refused to give up the names, members of the crew then attacked me! I was told that I was disloyal to the crew, that if I was a "loyal" crew member I would give up the names of the members who had expressed their concerns and that giving the members my word was meant to be nothing more than a formality, just to get the members to talk. Well, no, "I" don't operate THIS way. When I give someone "my word" that what they say to me "in confidence", then it WILL. I do NOT just say it will be kept confidential and then go off and tell another, including my own family and friends. My word is important to me and when I give it, I keep it, with ONLY one exception, and this is, if I'm withholding information that could be crucial in regards to saving another's life and/or well being, but this is the ONLY exception, and even so, I wouldn't make such a decision lightly. I would weigh everything very carefully first. There aren't too many people who practice this. Most will "say" they'll keep something to themselves, but "few" actually WILL.
Also, friends of mine from Elftown have come to me and informed me that when I was active on Elftown, sunrose ended her relation with them, telling them that because they were friends with me, she then couldn't be friends with them. Then when I was banned from Elftown, she requested their friendship, telling them that since I was gotten rid of and hence no longer active on Elftown, then they could "now" BE friends. Isn't this lovely? She also admitted publicly that she's been after Hedda to get rid of me for a long time. But this isn't all. She stated also publicly that Hedda shared with her information that showed I was trying to turn Hedda against her. Well, what she didn't know when she said this (or then again, maybe she did, since she likes to bring him down no matter how subtle in doing so she may try to be), is that "she" was "implicating" Hedda with the invasion of my privacy once again. If I had a beef to state about her and if I wanted to tell him, I did so in my "personal, secret" diaries. Therefore, where "he" obtained his information, he did so from a "private" source, which breaks all kinds of privacy breach laws. Just because he owns the server and therefore, has access to the database to read EVERYTHING PRIVATE ON HIS SITES, it does NOT give him the right to "share" what he has access to, because... by stating: "personal, secret" diaries, and "private" forums, then he must comply with WHAT he's leading the public and the users of his sites to believe.
When you KNOW without any doubt that someone is eavesdropping on your private entries and conversations, you then take measures to "set them up"... if you're smart, that is. If I want to know if my phone conversations are being listened to, I then "deliberately" say things that will irritate the one I suspect is listening. If anything transpires because of this, well then, I KNOW not only that my conversation was compromised, but I also then KNOW "by whom". Then, if I want to know if my computer is being compromised, I place something on it that would create a stir with the person I suspect. If something then transpires because of this and involving the person I suspect, well then I KNOW who is gaining "unauthorised" access to my computer. Now if I do likewise and make a "personal, secret" diary entry and something surfaces BECAUSE of what I write "privately", well, I then KNOW WHO is not only "reading" them, but then is also "sharing" the information gained from such an invasion. I'm NOT stupid. I KNOW very well just HOW to catch a rat. First you have to bait and set the trap, then watch and wait to see what or if something happens or surfaces because of it. I have baited and set the trap MANY, MANY times... and I have managed to catch the very same rat MANY, MANY times! But... I do NOT bait more than one trap with "identical" information, because I want to be able to know from which trap, which source, my privacy was compromised from.
For example, once I wrote "deliberately" a whole fabricated story in my "personal, secret" diary about the Mafia and having connections and that if anyone messed with me, there could be hits placed on those who did (just a summary of). Well, wouldn't you just know it? Some people began writing about "this very topic" in their diaries! Calico Tiger was one that comes immediately to mind. Only what was being written about the topic was being totally misconstrued into something I did not even say. But you know how this happens. Tell one person something and have each repeat it and by the time it gets to the 4th or 5th person even, the initial accounting drastically changes. But even with alterations, the "theme" of the conversation was still visibly noticeable.
I did it because: I wanted to know if my "personal, secret" diaries were being accessed and read and so, by "whom" (since Hedda is the ONLY one who has access to the database, it had to be him), therefore I was able to pinpoint "who" and then I also wanted to know if he was reading my personal, secret diaries, I wanted to know if I could "trust" him with the information. Well, I guess not, eh? ..And I have countless other examples where I did the same or similar and each time, the trail leads right back TO Hedda. ..And I've done this as well, with my "private" phone and both my old and my new computers AND MANY times I can tell that because of something I have either said or typed "privately", it still managed to reach the light of day. One cannot have as much data as I have pointing to one person for it NOT to BE that person.
But even so, even though I know all I do, about Hedda and what he's doing, it is NOT my desire to really punish him. Now, you or anyone CAN call me crazy. But in my heart of hearts, I STILL do NOT WANT Hedda to be guilty. Yup, I have all this data pointing directly to him, but yet, I don't really want it to be true! I don't say or admit this very often, because I feel so damn foolish when I think it or feel it, let alone say it out loud, but I STILL love Hedda. Whatever interest he had in me, I'm sure it's long gone and has likely turned to hate by now, because even though I feel the way I do about him, I cannot allow or simply let him destroy me. ..And so, I am forced to defend myself, my name, and my reputation.
Although I do not yet have all the pieces to the puzzle, I do have MANY and with what I do have, I DO think that sunrose played some kind of significant role in trying to drive Hedda and I away from each other. I think her jealousy is a very big part in all of it. I even think that perhaps, Hedda went the "behind the scenes" route, at least in part, because he didn't want sunrose to know that he was still interested. Then because I went to him with my suspicions, "I" in fact also scared him because I imagine he didn't want ANYONE to know what he was and is capable of doing, which certainly makes sense. This is why I want to know the real truth from Hedda himself. If he did it because he was afraid to actually communicate one on one with me OR if he went this route because he was afraid sunrose would give him a hard time and likely others as well, since so many had such a jolly time ridiculing me, or something else. I just want to know WHY, so I can then hopefully, "understand". Not that I would suddenly condone what he's done and is doing, but agreement is not paramount for understanding to take place.
I don't expect my feelings to be reciprocated by him, but I certainly would like to work things out with him, amicably, civilly, and maturely AND what would be "mutually beneficial" for the "both" of us. ..And I think I'm being fair, considering everything that has transpired, but not "just fair", but because it's simply not my wish to hurt Hedda. You can't pick up spilled milk very well and put it back into the glass. But we can both move forward if we worked this out and then put it behind us. I would like to regain the admiration I once felt for him and the respect and maybe even trust, but this can't ever happen, if we are continually stuck in the same quagmire day in and day out. I've told him that all I want is the truth from him, not to punish him, but to put THIS whole mess to rest once and for all. But he refuses to even talk to me and the last time he did talk to me, he was just as nasty to me as he could be. So.. *sigh* I don't know what else to do, but to keep on defending myself against the person I'd really rather not. :'(
Well, I've written a novel here, but I have barely scratched the surface. I'm sorry I've talked your ear off, but I think it's only fair that people know where "I'm" coming from and not just one-sided innuendo only meant to frame me as the bad person and use me as the scapegoat for others' transgressions