Story Jokes 2

Submit your jokes (that are told as a story) below the divider at the BOTTOM of the page. All jokes which do not follow the EP Jokes Rules will be removed. Older Jokes are kept at the Story Jokes Archive.

Please separate new jokes with an <hr> line

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[Midori] Attempting another...

There was an American, a German, and a Mexican stuffed all on a tiny little boat. As they drifted for days, they noticed the boat steadily filling with water. As a solution to this, they decided to dump all of their belongings into the sea. The German decided to dump all of his beer into the ocean. As he does, he replies "Jah, back in Germany, we have plenty of beer". All is well until the boat begins to sink again. The Mexican then proceeds to dump all of his tacos into the sea, and with the same reply as the last, "Si,We have plenty of tacos in Mexico." Again, this only is good for a couple more days. The two then look at the American. The Amercian then throws the German and Mexican overboard and replies, "Yeah, we have plenty of those in America"

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[ninja penguin]
the government should consider thies Seriously but its still funny.

1.Isnt it amazing how our american government can track a calf being born in it's Canadean stall all the way down to it's Stall in Washington where it dies but they cant seem to find 11mil. immigrants running free in our Country.....Maybe we should give each a cow!

2.Our American government is sitll debating weather they should draft a onsitution for Iraq, Well I say we should just give them ours! I mean it was written by A bunch of really smart guys, It's worked for us for over 200 years and we're Obveously not using it any more!!

3.Our government is still debating on If we should be able to Post the 10 commandments in a federal cort house....Well you Obveously cant post the rules "thow shalt not steal, lie or commit Adultry" In a room filled with lawyers DUH!
hahahaha

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[Midori]

Two men are in an airplane about to crash, and are discussing who will receive the parachute. One man grabs the 'chute and says to the other as he jumps out, "Just pray to Buddha and you'll be alright" Then, he jumps, leaving the man to make a dire decision of life or death. Desperate, the other man jumps out, knowing he can die either way, as he begins praying "Oh Buddha, please help, save me Buddha!" The man repeats this prayer over and over. Then, as if out of nowhere,a huge hand catches him in the air. So VERY thankful, the man wipes the sweat from his brow, and replies, "Thank God!" As if immediately after the remark, the hand then drops the man.

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[Mommie 2 Be♥]

These three men died and went heaven. As they reached the gates the angel standing ouside told them they must make an agreement in order to walk through the gate. The angel then said, "You must go a whole year without popping any of our ducks." The men thought this was a joke but agreed to it anyway. 

Well as they walked through the gates all they saw were ducks everywhere. Two days later the first man tripped and fell on a duck. The angel appeared and said, "You have broken our agreement, so now you will spend eternity with the ugliest person you have ever seen." The angel then chained the man to this woman who was hairier than he was.

Six months had passed and the second man was so proud of himself for not popping a duck. He was quite tired so he decided to take a nap. While he was asleep he rolled over on one of the ducks. The angel appeared and told him, "You have broken our agreement so now you will spend eternity with the ugliest person you have ever seen." The angel then chained the man to this woman who had the biggest mole he had ever seen.

A year later the third man was walking when the angel appeared. The angel told the man, "You have made it a whole year without popping any of our ducks, Congragulations." Then the angel chained the man to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

As the third man and the woman were walking he looked at her and said, "You're the best reward I could have imagined for not popping any of the ducks." The woman then replied, "Well thank you, but you are by far the worst punishment they could have given me for popping that dang duck."  

 

My friend told me this and I thought it was really cute. I hope it didn't break any of the rules. =D

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[Blind Sniper]

Englishman,Scotsman And An Irishman Walk Into A Bar, Bartender Says "What Is This, Some Kind Of Joke!?!"

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[Creature™]

You're driving a bus. 10 people get on, 7 get off. 4 people get on, 8 get off. 12 people get on, 2 get off. 5 people get on, 6 get off. What color are the bus driver's eyes?

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[Creature™]

"Welcome to McDonalds, what can I get for you today?"

"I'd like... the senior, please."

"Would you like to super-size it?"

"Sure, why not. Just hold the pickles. They give me the dry heaves."

"That'll be $9.80. Please pull up to the next window."

"But it's on the dollar menu!"

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[The Epitaph Of Necrosis, Decase And Zeal]

There are 3 guys and a Genie. The Genie says "i will turn you in to anything you wish if u jump off this bridge" so the 1st man jumps off and says "i wanna be a lion" and poof he was a loin the second man jumped off and said "i wanna be an eagle" and poof he was turned into an eagle. the third man comes up to the bridge and slips and says "ohh SH**" and poof he was turned in to a pile of SH**

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[godswhisper]
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

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[Niki Nightmare ☆]
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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[Mommie 2 Be♥]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile
behind his hand.
  "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it
out completely?" 
  "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week
in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the
street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
  "How about transportation?" the father asked.
  "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the
little boy answered.
  The boy had an answer to every question the father
raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about
babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies,
you know."
  "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
  "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays
an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

---

[Dead Inside.]

Two men are sitting at a table drinking beer's.
Man 1: So, How long have you been married?
Man 2: So long I don't even look both way's before crossing the street.

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[FredTheDuck]
(this joke was hard to edit so it didn't take the mick out of anyone, so I did ducks instead)

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman pulls out a shotgun from under the bar and says "we don't serve ducks here, get out."

The duck leaves, and comes back the next day. He asks for a beer again. The barman pulls out his shotgun and says "Look, I TOLD you we don't serve effin' ducks! If you come back again, I'll nail your head to the bar!"

The duck leaves, and comes back again the next day. He asks "Have you got any nails?"
The barman replies "No"
Then the duck says "Well in that case, can I have a beer?"

---

[Dead Inside.]

What men are like...

Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

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[Pavi Largo]

A woman walks into a bar and orders herself a drink. While she's waiting, the man next to her looks at her and says, "You know, the beer here is magic."
She has no idea what the hell he's talking about, so she says, "Excuse me?"
"The beer here is magical," the man explains. "If you drink the beer here, you can . . . oh, I don't know, jump off of a building and live."
The woman, she's skeptical of this, so she says, "I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't do that."
"You're on," The guy says. He chugs down his beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and gets up. There is not one scratch on him.
He walks back into the bar and takes the 100 dollars from the woman before she says, "I'll bet you double that that I can jump off of that building and survive."
"Go ahead," The man says. She chugs down her beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and dies.
The man shrugs and turns around, holding the 100 dollar bill, and shows it to the bartender. "Look what I got!" Exclaims the man.
And the bartender replies, "You're an asshole, Superman."

---

Ways to Cope with Stress by [I Can Make You Famous.]

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

10. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

12. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

13. Drive to work in reverse.

14. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

15. Polish your car with earwax.

16. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

17. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

18. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

19. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

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[*Suicidal Cupcake*]

A preist kept chickens at his village parish,
one evening the cock went missing. At mass the preist asked ''Who has a cock'' 
All the men got up.
''No no, i mean who has seen a cock?''
All the women got up.
''no! Who has see a cock that isnt their's?''
Half the women got up.
''Ohh for goodness sake, Who's seen my cock?''
All the choir boys got up!

---

[Dawg]

An englishman an irishman and a scotsman are drinking their pints of beer when a fly lands in their drinks.
The englishman fished it out on his finger and wipes it on the bar.
The Irishman shoved his hand in his pint and chucks the fly on the floor.
The scotsman blinked and slowly rolled up his sleeves, fished it out and held it up to his face and said
"SPIT IT OUT!!!"

---

[sillicon valley]

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At luncH time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversatio with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.

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[Madkat]
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

---

[Madkat]
Three old gents were out for a walk.
First one says "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says "No, it's Thursday."
Third one says "Me too, lets go for a beer."

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[FredTheDuck] (I'm Irish too! XP)
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman are discussing their families.
The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's Day, so I called him George."
The Welshman says "That's a coincidence, my son was born on St Davids day, so I called him David!"
The Irishman says "I don't believe this! Wait 'til I tell our pancake!"

---

[April Jane]
Riddle
Me: What's green, hangs on a wall, and whistles?
You: Um, I don't know.
Me: A hering.
You: Herings are green?
Me: If you paint them green.
You: And herings hang on walls?
Me: If you nail it to a wall.
You: Herings whistle?
Me: Well, no. I just added that so it wouldn't be too obvious.

---

[April Jane]
A man goes into a chapel one day and sees a door at the back of the room, so he goes up to it. When he tries to open it, however, a monk comes up to him and says, "I cannot let you in, for you are not a monk." So the man goes away, becomes a monk and comes back. "Now can I go in?" He asks and the monk opens the door. On the other side is a set of red stairs...
So the man goes up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and at the bottom is a locked door. The man remembers seeing a key back in the chapel so...
He goes up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs back to the door, goes through, gets the key and goes...
up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door. On the other side is a set of blue stairs...
So the man goes up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs and at the bottom is a locked door. The man remembers seeing a key back in the chapel next to the other key, so...
He goes up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs opens the door. Goes...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs back to the door, goes through, gets the key and goes...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door. Goes...
Up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs and unlocks the door. On the otherside is a set of green stairs. So...
The man goes up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs and at the bottom he finds another locked door. Then he remembers the little key sitting next to the other two keys back in the chapel. So...
He goes up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs through the door...
Up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs through that door...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door, goes into the chapel gets the little key. Goes...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door. Goes...
Up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs and opens that door. Goes...
Up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs and opens the door.

"Well, what was behind the door?!" You demand.

I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk.

---

Submitted by [Scarekrow]

During Worl War 1, a man went to a military recruitment office and signed up as a soilder. At the register, the man was told that the army had no more guns, so he would have to provide his own. So the man ent to a gun store, only to find that the owner was sold out. The man begged the owner for a gun, so the owner went to the back of the store and grabbed a broom handle, and said to the man that if he yelled BANG, the broom would work as a gun. The man scoffed at the idea but took the broom anyway.

On one of the boats, the man sits with his broom on his lap, looking around at the other soilders armed to the teeth with weapons. As the gates open and the man runs out onto the beach, points his broom at the nearest enemy and yells BANG. to his asstonishment, the enemy falls dead. He does the same thing again with the same result, and continues to do this for the rest of the battle.

After an hour of fighting, the man spots an enemy standing on a hill. The man points his broom at the man and yells BANG! but the enemy does not die. He tries again as the enemy begins to walk down the hill. The man tries to reload his broom, the enemy comes closer. As the enemy comes closer, he see's that the man is saying something under his voise. As the enemy comes into ear shot, the man hears what the man is muttering, the words 'Tank, tank, tank, tank'

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Submitted by: [Heart of a Lover]
A man is heading down the interstate going 120 mph in 70 mph zone. The man passes under a bridge where he gets clocked by a cop sitting there with a radar gun. When the man was pulled over the officer asked him:
"Where you headed son?"
the man replied: "I am headed to work"
The officer responded "you are sort of scruffy looking, Who would hire you?"
The man replied: "well sir, I am an asshole stretcher"
The officer was shocked: "What the hell is an asshole stretcher"
The man said: "Well they call me up and tell me they have an asshole that needs to be stretched, so I come out with my gloves and I begin by working in one finger, then two, then one hand, then the other, then both arms, at which point I stretch and pull and stretch and pull until it gets to be about 6 feet"
The shocked cop asks: "What in the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The man says: "I give him a radar gun and set him on the other side of that bridge"

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[Mr. Oogie Boogie]

So... two nuns are driving down this old road in the middle of a forest... suddenly.. this great big scary vampire jumps out in the middle of the road... then one nun says to the other "quick show him your cross"... so then the other nun winds down the window.. sticks her head out and yells "GET OUT OF THE WAY.. YOU TOOTHY GIT!!"

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[Mr. Oogie Boogie]

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "dammit! missed the beggar!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs then takes his next shot.. he misses again and the friend says "dammit! missed the beggar!"... Suddenly, god opens up the heavens, sends down a lightning bolt from the sky and strikes the vicar dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Dammit! Missed the beggar!"

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[I Can Make You Famous.]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving.'

---

[Blind Sniper]
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I have done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I have done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

---

[Jabberwocky]
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

---

[↔♪P♪R♪A♪D♪A↔]

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.

"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."

---

[Jabberwocky]

A man and his family (wife and kids) are taking a vacation on an island when they are warned via radio that there is a horrible storm heading their way. The man gets on his cell phone and calls up the pilot that had flew them out a few days earlier and says "Come pick us up, there's a bad storm coming and we got to get off this island." So the pilot agrees and after a few hours comes and picks them up in his small airplane. The pilot says "Gee, I hope we have enough gas to make it back, it's quite a drive and we have a big load." They are flying and after a while he says "You guys, we really need to conserve the gas or we'll run out, we need to get rid of some weight." The wife turns to her husband and says "Honey, I know you really love your old blue refrigerator (he had it since high school), but it's the heaviest and we need to get rid of the weight." The man is instantly outraged by her idea and screams "Really?! Well how about all your jewelry and dresses and makeup?! Huh?! How about that?!" And he promptly throws her jewelry, dresses, and makeup out the side door. A little while later the pilot sighs and shakes his head. "You need to get rid of more weight." The wife says again, "Honey, get rid of the blue refrigerator!" And once again the man says "How about the case of photographs from when the kids were born and our wedding!? How about those?!" and he whips them out the side door. Again a little while later the pilot informs them that they still need to get rid of weight and the wife screams "JUST GET RID OF THE DAMNED BLUE REFRIGERATOR" but instead the man throws out his two kids. Same scenario a while later and the man throws out his wife. They're almost home and the pilot is really getting aggravated. "Dude, we need to get rid of more weight if you want to make it home." So the man shrugs and throws out the blue refrigerator.

…
…
I know! I know that one was bad, but just give this next one a try! PLEASE JUST CONTINUE READING! I know it was bad, I have a better one now.

There was a king who had a beautiful princess but he didn't want to give her hand away to just any prince. So he set up a competition, and to whoever won, would have his daughters hand in marriage. Three buff princes show up for the competition and the king informs them that whoever can finish the tasks given to them first will have his daughter. The king says "Swim across the ocean and back, and you'll receive your next task." So the three go jumping in and they're swimming for days and days just neck in neck and on the way back a terrible storm brews up. The ocean is brewing and huge sea monsters lunge up from the bottom of the sea and snatches up one of the three guys. The two return to the king and the king nods, satisfied that they completed the challenge. The king tells the two remaining, "Climb that mountain over there and run down the other side, and on the other side you'll find a desert. In the middle of the desert is a small cabin. My daughter will be waiting there for whoever reaches her first." So the two go running as fast as they can, climbing up the mountain, slashing out at each other as often as possible, trying to get the other to fall and such. They both reach the top of the mountain and run down the other side as fast as they can, still fighting with each other, trying to be the first to the bottom so they have a head start across the desert. As soon as they reach the bottom they both take off running across the desert, still neck in neck, and after a day or so they see the cabin in the distance. One of the two looks at the other and decides, screw this, and tackles over the other and breaks his neck. Now with no competition he slows to a calmed walk, getting close enough to the cabin to see his beloved waiting for him, waving gently as she calls out his name.
He never makes it to the cabin.
A blue refrigerator falls on him.

---

[Jabberwocky]

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."

---

[Jabberwocky]

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

---

[Nevan]

One day, an old man was teaching his grandson about women. “Son,” he started. “Women are strange and unpredictable creatures. If you put one foot wrong, they’ll pounce on you and rip you to bits. If you want to survive for more than five minutes with a woman, you must learn some key phrases. Firstly, remember – you were not drunk in the gutter, you were carrying out pavement analyses. You weren’t checking out other women, you were admiring the local scenery. And if she complains you spend too much time drinking beer and watching football, explain that you do it to give her time to go out shopping with friends.”  The grandson blinked, when his mother walked into the room, obviously having heard the entire conversation. “I’m sure that was all wonderful advice George.” She sighed, picking the boy up. “But I really think you should have waited until he was past the bottle feeding stage to tell him.”

---

[Yamamoto Takeshi]

An arsonist goes to Heaven and burns the Book of Life. What now?

---

[Jabberwocky]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

---

[Jabberwocky]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

---

[darren da dude]
A womwn is lyin in bed when her boss calls
"your late for work. Whats the problem?"
She replies
"I have anal blindness"
"Whats that?" asks the boss
"Its where I cant see me gettin my arse outta bed"  hope ya liked

---

[Jabberwocky]

  A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.
  The tailgating woman driver behind him was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration because she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
  While still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into
the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
  He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

---

[Kaos101]
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General> said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-gebra is a problem for us,' the Attorney General said. 'They
desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in
a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and
'y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.''
When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator Obama said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes.'  Democratic leaders told reporters
they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
Senator.

---

[blue_fang]

guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter and orders a drink. The guy next to him looks at him and says " you know if you jump of the empire state building 'hic' you'll reach the thirteen floor and float back up." the guy ignore this commint and drinks " no,no im seroius" he continues "i can prove it" the guy looks at the drunk and figures what the hell there nothing else to do he and the drunk take a cab to the empire state building and soon their on the top floor the drunk promptly jumps off the guy freaks and look over the side to see him floating back up, the drunk reaches the top with a stupid grin and says "see told you" the guy looks baffled then ask " how do you do it" the drunk smiled and said " just jump" he did and then hit the ground and died the security guard who was watching this walked up and said " superman your a dick when your drunk

---

[Stewie Griffin (Insane Clown)]
A Blonde is driving his monster truck through the country and he sees another blonde inside of a boat out in middle of a grain field rowing. Enraged he immediately stops his monster truck and gets out yelling and pointing at the other blonde It's f**ckers like you who give us a bad name, if i could swim i would go out there and kick your ass!!

---

[Arms Wide Open]
A detective investigates three dead smiling men in a morgue by interviewing one of the workers.
Pointing to the first man he asks ‘so why is this man smiling’
The worker replies ‘Well, the man had just had his first son, upon hearing the news he was obviously happy but he also had a heart attack.”
The inspector nods his head and then asks ‘so what about the second man?’
‘Well’ the worker replied. ‘He also had a heart attack, but he had just won the lottery’
The inspector nods again ‘that makes sense. What about the third man?’
‘Well, he was struck by lighting.’ Said the worker
The inspector looks shocked and says ‘Why is that something to smile about?’
To Which the Worker Replied ‘He thought he was having his picture taken’

---