[
Endings Start]
The year was 1985. A young woman at the military base was preparing herself for the annual Military Ball, and she wasn't about to let this opportunity pass up, she knew she was young and beautiful, and she hoped to use feminine wiles to advance her position at the base.
The woman arrived at the ball, wearing a slinky revealing dress, and was wandering around making smalltalk, when she came across a very distinguished looking gentleman wearing a very distinguished looking uniform, absolutely full of war medals of honor of some sort. He had gray in his hair, and was smiling. She slinked up to him.
"Why Sir, you look like you're quite the decorated General! What might you be doing here?" The man smiled in response, and stated he had definitely been on duty for a very long time. She didn't take long to get right to the point. "Sir, I don't mean to be alarming, but I'm looking to maybe give a General such as yourself the sort of experience you might not have had for a while, in the hopes that you might not have had for a long time. If you get my meaning." She winked suggestively.
The General caught on right away, and was a little surprised. "Ma'am, I will admit, I have not had that sort of experience since 1955." Jackpot! "Well, Mr.General, I might have something for you since it's been so long." He looked confused, so she immediately led the General into a secluded back room.
A half hour later, the very disheveled young lady emerged from the room, flushed with excitement. "Boy, Mr.General, for a man who hasn't done that for thirty years, you sure know what you're doing! Phew!"
The General looked back and said, "Ma'am, I'd like to thank you for your efforts, it was fun, but I do really need to get going, I have some people I need to talk to and it's still only 21:30."
--------------
----------------------
For eleven long years, the former sea captain had remained, stranded on the deserted island his boat had sunk nearby. And for eleven years, he had walked the same beach, looking for a distant ship, a distant hope.
One day, as he walked the beach, he looked up in shock, as there stood the most amazingly beautiful woman he'd ever seen, wearing only a trenchcoat!
He ran up to her, and said, "Ma'am, why are you here?"
She replied, "God has felt pity upon you and your trials, and has send me to reward you. Would you like a drink, Captain?"
The man thought for a minute. "Well, it has been eleven years.. a drink would really hit the spot.."
So the lady opened a coat pocket, pulled out a bottle of scotch, and handed it over to the man, who drank with more satisfaction than any man should get from a stiff drink. Then she said, "Would you like a smoke, Captain?"
The man thought for a minute. "Well, it has been eleven years.. a good smoke would be great.."
So the lady opened a coat pocket, pulled out a huge cigar, lit it up and passed it to the man, and he puffed on it with wonderous happiness. The woman then said with a smile, "Would you like to play around?"
The man was thoughtful, taking his time. "That would be great, ma'am!"
She smiled and slowly began to unzip the overcoat."
The man was amazed, and said! "You mean you got a set of golf clubs in there too?"
[Ogovin22k]
yea it ther in a village called worldwide, ther ar 3friends
1named Mad, 1 Manner
and de smallest named Trouble so
oneday Trouble getlost, Mad and Manner went to report in police station so Mad told Manner to wait at the gate so he go report,as he stepd in now he heard this
Police:hey mister man what ar u looking 4
Mad:am looking 4 trouble
Police:what!, do u hav manner at all
Mad:yes, manner is waiting 4 me at the gate
police:shit!! are u mad
Mad: yes sir
The police gave him a dirty slap and give him a run
[bigboiy14]
woman who had the biggest mole he had ever seen.
A year later the third man was walking when the angel appeared. The angel told the man, "You have made it a whole year without popping any of our ducks, Congragulations." Then the angel chained the man to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
As the third man and the woman were walking he looked at her and said, "You're the best reward I could have imagined for not popping any of the ducks." The woman then replied, "Well thank you, but you are by far the worst punishment they could have given me for popping that dang duck."
My friend told me this and I thought it was really cute. I hope it didn't break any of the rules. =D
[Richardd.]
Englishman,Scotsman And An Irishman Walk Into A Bar, Bartender Says "What Is This, Some Kind Of Joke!?!"
[Creature(tm)]
You're driving a bus. 10 people get on, 7 get off. 4 people get on, 8 get off. 12 people get on, 2 get off. 5 people get on, 6 get off. What color are the bus driver's eyes?
----------------------------------
"Welcome to McDonalds, what can I get for you today?"
"I'd like... the senior, please."
"Would you like to super-size it?"
"Sure, why not. Just hold the pickles. They give me the dry heaves."
"That'll be $9.80. Please pull up to the next window."
"But it's on the dollar menu!"
[The Epitaph Of Necrosis, Decase And Zeal]
There are 3 guys and a Genie. The Genie says "i will turn you in to anything you wish if u jump off this bridge" so the 1st man jumps off and says "i wanna be a lion" and poof he was a loin the second man jumped off and said "i wanna be an eagle" and poof he was turned into an eagle. the third man comes up to the bridge and slips and says "ohh SH**" and poof he was turned in to a pile of SH**
[godswhisper]
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
[Niki Nightmare ☆]
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
[Mommie 2 Be♥]
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile
behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it
out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week
in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the
street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the
little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father
raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about
babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies,
you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays
an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
[Dead Inside.]
Two men are sitting at a table drinking beer's.
Man 1: So, How long have you been married?
Man 2: So long I don't even look both way's before crossing the street.
[FredTheDuck]
(this joke was hard to edit so it didn't take the mick out of anyone, so I did ducks instead)
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman pulls out a shotgun from under the bar and says "we don't serve ducks here, get out."
The duck leaves, and comes back the next day. He asks for a beer again. The barman pulls out his shotgun and says "Look, I TOLD you we don't serve effin' ducks! If you come back again, I'll nail your head to the bar!"
The duck leaves, and comes back again the next day. He asks "Have you got any nails?"
The barman replies "No"
Then the duck says "Well in that case, can I have a beer?"
[Dead Inside.]
What men are like...
Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
[Whiskers]
A woman walks into a bar and orders herself a drink. While she's waiting, the man next to her looks at her and says, "You know, the beer here is magic."
She has no idea what the hell he's talking about, so she says, "Excuse me?"
"The beer here is magical," the man explains. "If you drink the beer here, you can . . . oh, I don't know, jump off of a building and live."
The woman, she's skeptical of this, so she says, "I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't do that."
"You're on," The guy says. He chugs down his beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and gets up. There is not one scratch on him.
He walks back into the bar and takes the 100 dollars from the woman before she says, "I'll bet you double that that I can jump off of that building and survive."
"Go ahead," The man says. She chugs down her beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and dies.
The man shrugs and turns around, holding the 100 dollar bill, and shows it to the bartender. "Look what I got!" Exclaims the man.
And the bartender replies, "You're an asshole, Superman."
Ways to Cope with Stress by [☆Αbѕєηт Ηεαrт☆]
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
10. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
12. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
13. Drive to work in reverse.
14. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
15. Polish your car with earwax.
16. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
17. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
18. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
19. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
[*Suicidal Cupcake*]
A preist kept chickens at his village parish,
one evening the cock went missing. At mass the preist asked ''Who has a cock''
All the men got up.
''No no, i mean who has seen a cock?''
All the women got up.
''no! Who has see a cock that isnt their's?''
Half the women got up.
''Ohh for goodness sake, Who's seen my cock?''
All the choir boys got up!
[Dawg]
An englishman an irishman and a scotsman are drinking their pints of beer when a fly lands in their drinks.
The englishman fished it out on his finger and wipes it on the bar.
The Irishman shoved his hand in his pint and chucks the fly on the floor.
The scotsman blinked and slowly rolled up his sleeves, fished it out and held it up to his face and said
"SPIT IT OUT!!!"
[sillicon valley]
An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At luncH time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversatio with a Welsh farmer.
'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew' , said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.
[Madkat]
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
-------------------------------
Three old gents were out for a walk.
First one says "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says "No, it's Thursday."
Third one says "Me too, lets go for a beer."
[FredTheDuck] (I'm Irish too! XP)
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman are discussing their families.
The Englishman says "My son was born on St George's Day, so I called him George."
The Welshman says "That's a coincidence, my son was born on St Davids day, so I called him David!"
The Irishman says "I don't believe this! Wait 'til I tell our pancake!"
[April Jane]
Riddle
Me: What's green, hangs on a wall, and whistles?
You: Um, I don't know.
Me: A hering.
You: Herings are green?
Me: If you paint them green.
You: And herings hang on walls?
Me: If you nail it to a wall.
You: Herings whistle?
Me: Well, no. I just added that so it wouldn't be too obvious.
-------------------------
A man goes into a chapel one day and sees a door at the back of the room, so he goes up to it. When he tries to open it, however, a monk comes up to him and says, "I cannot let you in, for you are not a monk." So the man goes away, becomes a monk and comes back. "Now can I go in?" He asks and the monk opens the door. On the other side is a set of red stairs...
So the man goes up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and at the bottom is a locked door. The man remembers seeing a key back in the chapel so...
He goes up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs back to the door, goes through, gets the key and goes...
up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door. On the other side is a set of blue stairs...
So the man goes up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs and at the bottom is a locked door. The man remembers seeing a key back in the chapel next to the other key, so...
He goes up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs opens the door. Goes...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs back to the door, goes through, gets the key and goes...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door. Goes...
Up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs and unlocks the door. On the otherside is a set of green stairs. So...
The man goes up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs and at the bottom he finds another locked door. Then he remembers the little key sitting next to the other two keys back in the chapel. So...
He goes up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs through the door...
Up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs through that door...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door, goes into the chapel gets the little key. Goes...
Up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs, up the red stairs, down the red stairs and opens the door. Goes...
Up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs, up the blue stairs, down the blue stairs and opens that door. Goes...
Up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs, up the green stairs, down the green stairs and opens the door.
"Well, what was behind the door?!" You demand.
I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk.
Submitted by [Laughing Crow]
During Worl War 1, a man went to a military recruitment office and signed up as a soilder. At the register, the man was told that the army had no more guns, so he would have to provide his own. So the man ent to a gun store, only to find that the owner was sold out. The man begged the owner for a gun, so the owner went to the back of the store and grabbed a broom handle, and said to the man that if he yelled BANG, the broom would work as a gun. The man scoffed at the idea but took the broom anyway.
On one of the boats, the man sits with his broom on his lap, looking around at the other soilders armed to the teeth with weapons. As the gates open and the man runs out onto the beach, points his broom at the nearest enemy and yells BANG. to his asstonishment, the enemy falls dead. He does the same thing again with the same result, and continues to do this for the rest of the battle.
After an hour of fighting, the man spots an enemy standing on a hill. The man points his broom at the man and yells BANG! but the enemy does not die. He tries again as the enemy begins to walk down the hill. The man tries to reload his broom, the enemy comes closer. As the enemy comes closer, he see's that the man is saying something under his voise. As the enemy comes into ear shot, the man hears what the man is muttering, the words 'Tank, tank, tank, tank'
Submitted by: [Heart of a Lover]
A man is heading down the interstate going 120 mph in 70 mph zone. The man passes under a bridge where he gets clocked by a cop sitting there with a radar gun. When the man was pulled over the officer asked him:
"Where you headed son?"
the man replied: "I am headed to work"
The officer responded "you are sort of scruffy looking, Who would hire you?"
The man replied: "well sir, I am an asshole stretcher"
The officer was shocked: "What the hell is an asshole stretcher"
The man said: "Well they call me up and tell me they have an asshole that needs to be stretched, so I come out with my gloves and I begin by working in one finger, then two, then one hand, then the other, then both arms, at which point I stretch and pull and stretch and pull until it gets to be about 6 feet"
The shocked cop asks: "What in the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The man says: "I give him a radar gun and set him on the other side of that bridge"
[Mr. Oogie Boogie]
So... two nuns are driving down this old road in the middle of a forest... suddenly.. this great big scary vampire jumps out in the middle of the road... then one nun says to the other "quick show him your cross"... so then the other nun winds down the window.. sticks her head out and yells "GET OUT OF THE WAY.. YOU TOOTHY GIT!!"
---------------------------------
A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "dammit! missed the beggar!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs then takes his next shot.. he misses again and the friend says "dammit! missed the beggar!"... Suddenly, god opens up the heavens, sends down a lightning bolt from the sky and strikes the vicar dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Dammit! Missed the beggar!"
[☆Αbѕєηт Ηεαrт☆]
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving.'
[Richardd.]
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I have done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I have done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
[Dear Agony]
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
[βelle D'Juicy]
A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.
"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn.
"Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.
"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."
"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.
"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."
"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.
"Oh no," says the farmer.
"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.
"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
[Dear Agony]
A man and his family (wife and kids) are taking a vacation on an island when they are warned via radio that there is a horrible storm heading their way. The man gets on his cell phone and calls up the pilot that had flew them out a few days earlier and says "Come pick us up, there's a bad storm coming and we got to get off this island." So the pilot agrees and after a few hours comes and picks them up in his small airplane. The pilot says "Gee, I hope we have enough gas to make it back, it's quite a drive and we have a big load." They are flying and after a while he says "You guys, we really need to conserve the gas or we'll run out, we need to get rid of some weight." The wife turns to her husband and says "Honey, I know you really love your old blue refrigerator (he had it since high school), but it's the heaviest and we need to get rid of the weight." The man is instantly outraged by her idea and screams "Really?! Well how about all your jewelry and dresses and makeup?! Huh?! How about that?!" And he promptly throws her jewelry, dresses, and makeup out the side door. A little while later the pilot sighs and shakes his head. "You need to get rid of more weight." The wife says again, "Honey, get rid of the blue refrigerator!" And once again the man says "How about the case of photographs from when the kids were born and our wedding!? How about those?!" and he whips them out the side door. Again a little while later the pilot informs them that they still need to get rid of weight and the wife screams "JUST GET RID OF THE DAMNED BLUE REFRIGERATOR" but instead the man throws out his two kids. Same scenario a while later and the man throws out his wife. They're almost home and the pilot is really getting aggravated. "Dude, we need to get rid of more weight if you want to make it home." So the man shrugs and throws out the blue refrigerator.
...
...
I know! I know that one was bad, but just give this next one a try! PLEASE JUST CONTINUE READING! I know it was bad, I have a better one now.
There was a king who had a beautiful princess but he didn't want to give her hand away to just any prince. So he set up a competition, and to whoever won, would have his daughters hand in marriage. Three buff princes show up for the competition and the king informs them that whoever can finish the tasks given to them first will have his daughter. The king says "Swim across the ocean and back, and you'll receive your next task." So the three go jumping in and they're swimming for days and days just neck in neck and on the way back a terrible storm brews up. The ocean is brewing and huge sea monsters lunge up from the bottom of the sea and snatches up one of the three guys. The two return to the king and the king nods, satisfied that they completed the challenge. The king tells the two remaining, "Climb that mountain over there and run down the other side, and on the other side you'll find a desert. In the middle of the desert is a small cabin. My daughter will be waiting there for whoever reaches her first." So the two go running as fast as they can, climbing up the mountain, slashing out at each other as often as possible, trying to get the other to fall and such. They both reach the top of the mountain and run down the other side as fast as they can, still fighting with each other, trying to be the first to the bottom so they have a head start across the desert. As soon as they reach the bottom they both take off running across the desert, still neck in neck, and after a day or so they see the cabin in the distance. One of the two looks at the other and decides, screw this, and tackles over the other and breaks his neck. Now with no competition he slows to a calmed walk, getting close enough to the cabin to see his beloved waiting for him, waving gently
as she calls out his name.
He never makes it to the cabin.
A blue refrigerator falls on him.
-------------------------
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
------------------
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
[Nevan]
One day, an old man was teaching his grandson about women. "Son," he started. "Women are strange and unpredictable creatures. If you put one foot wrong, they'll pounce on you and rip you to bits. If you want to survive for more than five minutes with a woman, you must learn some key phrases. Firstly, remember - you were not drunk in the gutter, you were carrying out pavement analyses. You weren't checking out other women, you were admiring the local scenery. And if she complains you spend too much time drinking beer and watching football, explain that you do it to give her time to go out shopping with friends." The grandson blinked, when his mother walked into the room, obviously having heard the entire conversation. "I'm sure that was all wonderful advice George." She sighed, picking the boy up. "But I really think you should have waited until he was past the bottle feeding stage to tell him."
[The Patient]
An arsonist goes to Heaven and burns the Book of Life. What now?
[Dear Agony]
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
-------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
[darren da dude]
A womwn is lyin in bed when her boss calls
"your late for work. Whats the problem?"
She replies
"I have anal blindness"
"Whats that?" asks the boss
"Its where I cant see me gettin my arse outta bed" hope ya liked
[Dear Agony]
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman driver behind him was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration because she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
While still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into
the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
[Kaos101]
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General> said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-gebra is a problem for us,' the Attorney General said. 'They
desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in
a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and
'y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.''
When asked to comment on the arrest, Senator Obama said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes.' Democratic leaders told reporters
they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
Senator.
[blue_fang]
guy walks into a bar and sits at the counter and orders a drink. The guy next to him looks at him and says " you know if you jump of the empire state building 'hic' you'll reach the thirteen floor and float back up." the guy ignore this commint and drinks " no,no im seroius" he continues "i can prove it" the guy looks at the drunk and figures what the hell there nothing else to do he and the drunk take a cab to the empire state building and soon their on the top floor the drunk promptly jumps off the guy freaks and look over the side to see him floating back up, the drunk reaches the top with a stupid grin and says "see told you" the guy looks baffled then ask " how do you do it" the drunk smiled and said " just jump" he did and then hit the ground and died the security guard who was watching this walked up and said " superman your a dick when your drunk
[Stewie Griffin (Insane Clown)]
A Blonde is driving his monster truck through the country and he sees another blonde inside of a boat out in middle of a grain field rowing. Enraged he immediately stops his monster truck and gets out yelling and pointing at the other blonde It's f**ckers like you who give us a bad name, if i could swim i would go out there and kick your ass!!
[Arms Wide Open]
A detective investigates three dead smiling men in a morgue by interviewing one of the workers.
Pointing to the first man he asks 'so why is this man smiling'
The worker replies 'Well, the man had just had his first son, upon hearing the news he was obviously happy but he also had a heart attack."
The inspector nods his head and then asks 'so what about the second man?'
'Well' the worker replied. 'He also had a heart attack, but he had just won the lottery'
The inspector nods again 'that makes sense. What about the third man?'
'Well, he was struck by lighting.' Said the worker
The inspector looks shocked and says 'Why is that something to smile about?'
To Which the Worker Replied 'He thought he was having his picture taken'
[βelle D'Juicy]
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.
When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, "Yes ma'am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde replied, "Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
[LauRRa]
A bunny walk in a pastry shop.
BUNNY: Hewooo..do you hawve cawwot cakes?
SHOPKEEPER: No, I'm sorry, we don't sell carrot cakes
The next day---
BUNNY: Hewwooo..Miwster do you hawve cawwot cakes? @-@
SHOPKEEPER: I told you we don't send carrot cakes here..
Day no 3--
BUNNY: Hewooo..could i buy some cawwot cakes?
SHOPKEEPER: Listen you, come here again asking for carrot cakes and i'll nail you to the wall by the ears! Got it?
The next day, the bunny peeks in.
BUNNY: He..Hewoo..miwster..miwster..do you have a hammer?
ShOPKEEPER: No..
BUNNY: How about some nails?
SHOPKEEPER: No..no nails..
The bunny grins..: Got any cawwot cakes?
--------------
Two worms having coffe, one asks the other "Where is your husband?"
"Out fishing"
[Dear Agony]
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
[Dear Agony]
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
[confirmed; x-core-addict]
A hedgehog walks through the forest and finds a river. Luckily he also finds a hedgehog bridge not to far away. Right before the bridge there is a sign saying:"Not more than one hedgehog at a time". The hedgehog starts to look around, but sees no other hedgehogs, so he starts to walk across the bridge, but when he reaches the middle, the bridge breaks and the hedgehog is forced to swim the rest. Angrily climbing the banks at the other side he reads another sign: "A warned hedgehog counts for two".
[Onyi]
SOME THINGS YOU JUST CANT EXPLAIN
One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.
"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.
''Some things you just can't explain."
''Try me.''
"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''
"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."
[Onyi]
SULDNT HAVE MADE THE CALL
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was a very big man & had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around,talking bout millions and containers and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”
[Onyi]
The Ass Issue
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told
that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one
and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going
price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead
and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: ’PREACHER'S
ASS SHOWS’
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
‘PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT’ The Bishop was so upset
with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: ’
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS’
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: ’NUN HAS
BEST ASS IN TOWN’ The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun
that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a
farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: ’NUN SELLS ASS
FOR $10.00’
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and
free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: ‘NUN
ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE’. The Bishop was
buried the next day.
[Onyi]
EVERY THING HAS A SOLUTION
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You;ve got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he
might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you,Anybody that stays with him doesnt sleep."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?"
asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut
him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave
him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
[Onyi]
THE PUSH
Drunken Stranger
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining like hell out there!"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on the freeway and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello - are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.
[Onyi]
YOU MIGHT WANT TO RE THINK UR NATIONALITY
A man died & goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.
He goes to the German hell & asks, "What do they do here?" He was told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.
Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in...Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He was told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day”. He ask again “but that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there so many people waiting to get in?" A concerned fellow call him aside and said,
"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair doesn't work, the nails were paid for but were never supplied by the contractor, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for other business!!"
............ ..... IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Onyi]
I'M TOO SMART
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions" The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."
[Onyi]
just three wishes
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
then the frog now asked her what her final wishes would be, she said
I would like a slight heart attack
[Onyi]
Successful marriage
I asked an old lady on her 50 years wedding Anniversary why her marraige lasted so long without even a quarrel. Here goes her story
"After our wedding, we decided 2 use a horse to go home. After like 10km, the horse stopped and my husband shouted 'dats one'. After like anoda 20km, the horse stopped for d second time. He was so furious and shouted again 'dats two'. When d horse stopped for the third time after some distance, he brought out his gun and shot d horse. On seein d dead horse i began scoldin my husband. Guess wat he said 2 me.......
'Thats one'......"
[Onyi]
The Gray Hair
A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.
"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
[Neurotic Obsession]
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
[Neurotic Obsession]
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
[Neurotic Obsession]
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
[Onyi]
some where in Africa......75 yrs old man got married wt a gal of 15 yrs old.....which is ok with thier tradition.At marriage nite,dey both r cryin cos gal dnt knw anytin nd d old man av 4gotten everytin.
[Onyi]
LEGAL LAUGHS
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records worldwide..
1. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
2. Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
3. Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
4. Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
5. Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
6. Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
7. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
8. Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
9. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated….you or your husband?
10. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
11. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
12. So you were gone until you returned?
13. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
14. Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
15. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
16. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
[German Navy Seal]
for the lovely christmas humor :
A guy goes to a pet store to get a christmas gift for his wife. He gets a magical parrot who sings. Christmas morning his wife see's the parrot under the tree and asks her husband what's going on? He replies "the parrot can sing, watch this." he takes a lighter and lights it under the parrot's left foot and it sings 'silent night', then he lights it under the right foot and it sings 'jingle bells'. The wife loves it and asks whats the name and the husband says its 'chest'. the wife wonders what happens when you light it between its legs. so the husband light it between the parrot's legs and it sings 'chest nuts roasting over an open fire!"
[footer]
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Marlene , his partner for 10 years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead....
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is . 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry 's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.......
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE.....
[ForeverRockin]
So I'm in Petsmart buying my dog a great big bag of Purina dog food, when the lady behind me at checkout asks me if I think Purina is better for my dog. My smart-ass nature kicks in and I say "Well, its not for my dog...you see, I'm going back on the Purina Diet again, hoping to get better results." So I go on to tell her that it's simple: just keep a handful of food pellets in your purse, backpack, etc, and every time you get hungry, just eat a few pellets.
At this point, everyone in line is staring at me like I'm completely nuts. The lady behind me then asks why I'm trying it again, what happened last time. Continuing to be a smart-ass, I tell her it's because the last time I ended up in the hospital for a week afterwards. She then asks if it was something in the dog food that put me in the hospital...and I say, "No, I got hit by a car in the middle of the street because I stopped to lick my ass."
I thought the guy at the end of the line was going to have to be carried out on a stretcher.
[Shape Of Despair]
Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.
Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don't we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"
Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"
"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"
Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. "Here, you have some!"
Mike passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the police get here."
[Shape Of Despair]
Things not to say to a cop
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
4. Are You Andy or Barney?
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
7. I pay your salary!
8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Stumble!