Hall of Laughs!
Here is the lists of all the people who have had their jokes featured on Mainstuff. They are Elfpack's Jokers: Praise them and their amazing sense of humor!
A little boy steps on a butterfly, and his dad says no butter for a week. He steps on a honeybee, so his dad says no honey for a week. Mom steps on a cockroach... the little boy says to his dad, are you going to tell her or should I?
A woman walks into a bar and orders herself a drink. While she's waiting, the man next to her looks at her and says, "You know, the beer here is magic."
She has no idea what the hell he's talking about, so she says, "Excuse me?"
"The beer here is magical," the man explains. "If you drink the beer here, you can . . . oh, I don't know, jump off of a building and live."
The woman, she's skeptical of this, so she says, "I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't do that."
"You're on," The guy says. He chugs down his beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and gets up. There is not one
scratch on him.
He walks back into the bar and takes the 100 dollars from the woman before she says, "I'll bet you double that that I can jump off of that building and survive."
"Go ahead," The man says. She chugs down her beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and dies.
The man shrugs and turns around, holding the 100 dollar bill, and shows it to the bartender. "Look what I got!" Exclaims the man.
And the bartender replies, "You're an asshole, Superman."
Mike and Frank driving on a street, in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. The two men were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.
Before Frank could say anything, Mike said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don't we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"
Frank said, "Yeah, good idea!"
"I have a bottle of whiskey in the trunk, why don't I pull that out?" suggested Mike. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident. He gave it to Frank and said, "Here, drink some!"
Frank took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Mike. "Here, you have some!"
Mike passed it back and said, "Nah, I think I'll wait until the police get here."
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
For eleven long years, the former sea captain had remained, stranded on the deserted island his boat had sunk nearby. And for eleven years, he had walked the same beach, looking for a distant ship, a distant hope.
One day, as he walked the beach, he looked up in shock, as there stood the most amazingly beautiful woman he'd ever seen, wearing only a trenchcoat!
He ran up to her, and said, "Ma'am, why are you here?"
She replied, "God has felt pity upon you and your trials, and has send me to reward you. Would you like a drink, Captain?"
The man thought for a minute. "Well, it has been eleven years.. a drink would really hit the spot.."
So the lady opened a coat pocket, pulled out a bottle of scotch, and handed it over to the man, who drank with more satisfaction than any man should get from a stiff drink. Then she said, "Would you like a smoke, Captain?"
The man thought for a minute. "Well, it has been eleven years.. a good smoke would be great.."
So the lady opened a coat pocket, pulled out a huge cigar, lit it up and passed it to the man, and he puffed on it with wonderous happiness. The woman then said with a smile, "Would you like to play around?"
The man was thoughtful, taking his time. "That would be great, ma'am!"
She smiled and slowly began to unzip the overcoat."
The man was amazed, and said! "You mean you got a set of golf clubs in there too?"
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a essess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, PRINCESS!"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Marlene, his partner for 10 years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. Poor Marlene had been shot dead...
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
It wasn't long before this got on Harry's nerves, so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but despite his best efforts all the loon would say is "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was
"I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE....."
It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, "I'm afraid your cat won't last long. It's the Big C."
"What? Cancer?" I replied.
"No," he answered. "Curiosity."
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis an a potato?
A: A Dictator!
Two molecules were sitting on a bench,
One said to the other,
"OH NOOOO I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?", replied the other one,
"Yes, I AM POSITIVE."
Q. How much does a polar bear weigh?
A. Enough to break the ice. So how you doin? ;)
[hinata hyuuga (kimiko)
1) A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 beers. One by one he slams them down. The bartender tells him to slow up, but the man replies that he drinks like that because of what he's got. The bartender asks him, "I'm sorry. What do you have?" To which the guzzler replied, "Only 50 cents."
2) If your beer is tasteless and the front of your shirt is wet, you are obviously so drunk you've forgotten to open your damn mouth.
3) What do idiots and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
4) The drunk was driving carefully so he was surprised when a cop pulled him over. He asked the policeman, "Was I driving dangerously?" "Nope," replied the cop. "It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
5) You know you've drunk too much beer when: Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
6) After several beers a man stumbles out of a bar and staggers down the road, one foot in the gutter and the other on the curb. A police man stops him and says, "Hey! You're drunk!" "Thank God!" replied the man. "I thought I was crippled!"
Two long time friends decide to go for a round of golf at a nearby course. They meet in the parking lot at the front of the golf course and start to unload the trucks of their cars when one tells another “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!” the other replies, “GREAT trade!”
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